I feel so stupid. I’ve been married to this man 8 years and in those years I lost myself. I’ve put up with extra marital affairs and reduced myself to calling the other woman just to let her know he was married. I have become a great snooper. At the present time the computer he uses has spy software on it so I can see what he is doing. He has been on Facebook and has made a date later next month with a childhood friend. It is not as innocent as it sounds based on the messages between the two. This has happened so much that I am almost numb. I am seeing a counselor so I can mentally get myself together for what I know I need to do…DIVORCE. I am scared because I don’t think I can financially make it by myself. We currently don’t wear our wedding rings and sleep in separate rooms. I wrote him a letter that I haven’t given to him yet. I need your support because I am so weak and scared.
This is my letter to him:
My heart is so heavy right now and so full of hurt, disappointment, betrayal and loss that I am right on the brink of tears. To know I gave you all of these years of my life full of love, honor and commitment only to get lies, infidelity and utter disrespect in return. Forgiveness is a big pill to swallow when I know it is only a matter of time before you find someone else that intrigues you. To know that you find happiness, joy and interest in someone other than your wife is hurtful. It is astonishing how you can treat another woman with more respect and honor than your wife. This marriage is beyond repair and it is apparent that it is not something you regard as a union.
As a husband you should not want your wife to reduce herself to someone she doesn’t even know and tell you she is insecure about phone calls you are having with another woman…only to have you say, “she is just a friend” but knowing this is how it always starts with you. This potential friend could be the one you go out and a buy phone with to hide your conversations from me….she could be the one that causes you to take a “special” load that delivers in the city and/or state where she lives…..she could be the one that makes you turn your phone off so you won’t be interrupted when I call……she could be the one that sits in the passenger seat as you travel together…..she could be the one who answers your phone when I call….she could be the one that you spend time with when you supposedly go to see your mom….she could EVEN be the one that gives you an STD that you give to me. “She” always starts out as “just a friend” and I know of this from firsthand experience.
Love is a little four letter word that has such a powerful meaning and an even greater influence of the heart. It is extremely easy to stand on the outside and say “that would NEVER happen to me” when you are disconnected from the situation. When one person loves from the heart it is easy to turn a blinded eye. How much can I take? How much do you expect or want me to take? I am not really asking you any questions, just making a point.
I lost myself in you and tolerated things I shouldn’t have. I thank God for His love because it is patient and kind. I also thank Him for His grace and mercy and PEACE that sustains.
You are all about you. You don’t consider my feelings even when I say something about it, and then you have the nerve to get an attitude with me and talk to me like I am just someone on the street.
I thought I wanted to work this out but I just want out. I want to have the opportunity to have someone in my life that loves me. That just loves me……..because I deserve it. I deserve to have my feelings matter. I deserve that so much more….and you cannot give that to me.

Wow, Cheron. You sound like me, but with 8 years instead of my 20. I completely know what you are going through. I sob that ugly cry so much it is not even funny. Why do us women put up with so much for so long? Talk about embarrassing, I can't support myself without him either, but that is why there is alimony. He knows he will have to pay alimony anyway so we decided on a number that I can live with for right now. Remember, you get alimony too no matter what state I think. Just remind him that you can easily double the amount you are asking for if you go to court and then have it taken directly out of his check. At least it will start him thinking about things, even if the doubling part is not entirely true. My husband had a secret phone too before I found out and kicked him out. Now he's living 8 miles away with his new skank...yay. Sleeping doesn't seem to come easy either, mostly just napping here and there. Try to force yourself to eat and start researching on the internet!!

Susan wrote something in "Re: How to get you EX back!" which I just love:
"It's only natural when your ex turns into a swine... he is going to go out looking for slop."
You are not slop! You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, HE does. I don't know why we do this to ourselves, why we give our hearts to UNDESERVING men. Why it HURTS so much even when we know they are wrong for us, we know we are better off without them. I guess our values are much higher than theirs. We took our marriage vows seriously. I am also in separate rooms with my stbx, I can't afford a divorce. So I have to see him now and then, I am working SO hard on letting go, reminding myself that it is his loss, not mine. I don't want him, but I can't help feeling like I don't want him to be happy either! The whole it's not fair feeling, like he is so shallow and mean, why does he get whatever he wants and I work so hard barely keeping my head above water. But whatever the reason, I have to accept this is the life intended for me. I am strong enough to live through it. And I HAVE to have faith that all will be fine in the end. And so will you. Your words in your letter are very heartfelt and touching, but I doubt they will have any meaning to him. I have said similar things to mine (20 years) and they fall upon deaf ears. An insensitive self-centered person simply cannot understand the pain they are causing, and if they do, they get pleasure from that. I truly believe that mine does things just to upset me because he gets a feeling of power from that. So now I just do what I need to do for me and my kids and to he11 with him. You are 100% correct, you DO deserve better.

I think strongspirit is right. He may not react at all to your letter. He is already engaging in morally bankrupt behavior without regard to you or your wedding vows. When I use to approach my stbx husband about anything, he would often respond by saying, "here goes one of your lectures!" Another one of his responses was "I just wont talk at all!" It is fundamental to have the willingness to communicate with your spouse in a respectful manner. Infidelity is a very large waving red flag that in my personal opinion is a deal breaker. You can't teach accountability or insight. In response to your letter, if it makes you feel better then you should give your husband the letter, but I certainly wouldn't have the expectation that your husband is going to have an emotional epiphany. Put your energy into what you can do for yourself. The best revenge so to speak is for you to move on and live a happy, fulfilling life. The chances are your husband & mine will probably eventually cheat on the women they are with. Good riddens!