Amen! It took me a lot of years to figure out that the reason he cheated was because of HIM not because of ME. When I finally let go of his issues I left. It's been over a year and I am happy. I just need to figure out how to help my kids deal. That is the hard part, he can no longer hurt me, I have been over that long before I filed for divorce. He can how ever still hurt my kids, and like any good mother when he hurts my kid, I hurt. My son came home from his house this weekend crying and disappointed. How do I wipe away his hurt when I can't fix it? My heart aches for my children because unlike me they can't "divorce" him.....

That is one thing about divorce and children....We can get over these men and move on with our lives...not being even related to them anymore...but with our children they have to piece back two new lives...one with their father and one with their mother. When you are young, your whole existence and stability is in your parents and your home which are totally torn apart and changed in a divorce.

I'm not saying divorce is a trip through the park for us as women, but I think the ones we have to worry about the most are our children.

I am just so sorry that my children do not have the childhood I grew up with. I loved my parents who showered us with love and a great family life. We never had much in money, but we always did smaller things like trips in our family station wagon, going camping and on Sunday rides for a trip to a park or a zoo and maybe some ice cream. My mother would decorate the inside of our home for every holiday and my father would do the yard...we'd all help. I remember my friends sleeping over at times and would be in awe at how my parents gave their time to us. I wouldn't trade my childhood for the world and I wanted it that way for my children...but when you marry a selfish man....It just doesn't happen.

Susan

I tried so hard to give my kids what I had growing up. Two parents who loved each other and in turn loved me and my siblings. My friends were all "jealous" of my family, most of them coming from divorced home.
Instead of loving parents my children saw a mother beg her husband to stay home instead of going out. A father who would trade his last $10 for a beer.
I remember a time just after my surgery (I was cut straight down my stomach, 32 staple) I could not sit up straight let alone be fit to take care of 2 children on my own and where was my husband? At the bar. I tried to hide this from them and when they are young you can. But my oldest is 9. I'll never forget the first time I had to dry his tears because he didn't want his Daddy to leave. I could tell you stories that make you wish stoning was still practiced.
I told my son today that I will not tell him he is the most important thing is his father's life. I will not put his father down but I will not praise him either. All I can do is show him how much him and his brother mean to me and show them how much I love them each and every day. Their father will have the relationship he wants with them. I can tell you one thing if he keeps on the path he is on his children will hate him. They may not hate him today. They may not hate him tomorrow. But eventually they will hate him.
I hate divorce, ironically. I did what I had to do to keep me alive. Not the physical me but the mental me. If I could have made my marriage work I would have. My marriage was toxic to me. Every fight. Every tear. Every lonely night. Day by day I felt "Lisa" disappear. I thought staying for so long was what was right for my children. But to my surprise, leaving was the best thing I could ever do to them. Every day is a struggle but I know that i am doing the right thing

Yes, I have a truck load of the same sad stories. Ones where I once had to drive myself to the hospital in the middle of the night because my husband was to tired to get up and had to work in the morning, the time I needed a ride home after jury duty was over and I had to walk around the town for 4 hours because my husband wanted to finish some things he was working on...this was a town with some bad areas as well, there was the time when I had my first child and my husband was down with the doctor describing to me what my c-section looked like in great detail till finally the doctor said...I think you should be up there with your wife, there was the time he had his big business cookout party in our back yard that ran the whole day and he didn't speak to me maybe more than twice that day and someone at the party said...I didn't know you were his wife. Found out after the fact that his girlfriend was there with her husband because my husband was building a house for them at the time and her husband and I had no idea what was going on... I have even sadder stories, but I'll end now. They do not bother me that much anymore because there is no love left in my heart for him. It is so much better without him.

Susan

Drove myself to the hospital when I was almost dying ( literally, ended up in hospital for a month) He was out drinking. Seriously we should talk sometime bet we could compare loads of stories. You sure we weren't married to the same man?! LOL

same here, I could also write forever about all the WRONGS he has done. Things that cut me to my soul. But WHY relive them? why honor these events by retelling them? It is HARD and I simply have tried to come up with an explanation for these kinds of people (tried to excuse their actions away based on their upbringing, their weaknesses, their malfunctioning brain etc etc) but the truth is it doesn't matter. We don't need to understand them. We just need to let go. I make myself mad, knowing all of my blessings, and letting HIM, just one single insignificant other SHADOW all that is good in my life. I really wish I had some magic words to change that, it doesn't make logical sense so it frustrates me. I kind of think some of us are here to take and some us are are here to give (ideally, it would be a balance). But we should focus on what we can give others. These "men"...ugh, they shouldn't have the power to suck joy from our lives. We give them that. Just writing it reminds me of that. I hope it reminds you too. Any power they have over us, any happiness they take from us, they do so only because we allow them to. STAY STRONG. I do believe in the adage "time heals all wounds". We learn to move on. We stop trusting their hurtful words and actions and start trusting ourselves.

I think sometime we spend so much time "defending" our actions ( i.e divorce) to others it consumes us. I don't know about anyone else but there are time I just want to rent a billboard in the middle of my hometown listing all the wrong he has done me so that they will all see that I am justified in leaving him.
I have been through a lot in my life. Family deaths, tragic loss of my dear friend, 13 years ago I was hit will illness, Crohn's Disease. It has been a roller coaster ride for me with my health. I thought that all of these things were the worst things I could ever face. I really didn't expect my marriage/loss of marriage to be the worst thing I would ever go through...but I am strong and I have learned slowly through the years to love myself again and to trust in myself. I have my life, I have my children and I have my faith. I do not need my ex to be happy.
Although in anger I wish him the worst. I know that harboring such anger against him will only destroy me in the long run. I have forgiven him on certain levels....I'm not quite ready to forgive him completely. I will not allow the bitter taste his name leaves in my mouth to destroy the"me" I have found again.

Lisa, you sound like you have been through alot, but are getting yourself together well. I hope to fare so well in the coming months. I agree that divorce is one of the worse things you can go through. But it is not the worse, the worse is the loss of your child. I survived that, I think I can get through this.

It amazes me what women can come through...sometimes we do bring up the negatives in our discussions of our exes, but not to dwell on these issues, but to show ourselves what we have faced and what we have come through. Like I said before: I (As well as others) have been through hell and back and because of this we know we have the strength to make it through. Kat, I am so sorry for your loss. You are a strong woman to face that...I can't even begin to imagine, but your strength and lettting us know you have over come that gives others hope.

Compared to loosing a child my troubles are nothing. My heart goes out to you for your loss. I haven't lost a child myself and I thank God for that every day. I watched my Aunt bury her child and that was hard enough for me.
I agree with you Susan. I think I "relive" my sadness to show me that I can make it. It's been a years and a half since I filed divorce. I am praying that the next 6 months FLY by so that I can finalize my divorce and truly move on.

I look back now and take inventory of what I have gone through, compare it to where I am now and it is so freeing. I can talk about the good and the bad of the past and it doesn't weigh on me like a burden. It is what it is and I can take solutions from the past and apply them to my present and future. Life is like one big classroom...there is so much to learn and know if you want to reach out and live it.

Susan