I've been reading post about not having anyone to talk to and how lonely all this can be. I often feel alone. I have a great family and some good friends( it's amazing how people show their true colors)but none of them really understand what I am going through.
My love for my ex is gone. I look at him and feel nothing but hate. He hurt me so many times I grew numb to it. I lost all love for him years ago. I would always question why I stayed...then I would look into the eyes of my children and I was reminded. I was staying for them, I didn't want their little lives to be effected by what was going on between me and their father.
I stayed 5 years to long. I wanted to leave my ex 2 years after we got married but didn't. I was in love with the idea of love. This man was wonderful, he took care of me when I was ill, he cherished me, he supported me in all I wanted to do....what happened? I wish I knew the answer to that, it would make my life so much more simple. Some where along the way my ex lost the effort to work on us. He started drinking. That lead to cheating. For the next 6 years I tried to fix what went wrong. That is hard to do on your own.
One night I looked at my husband and realized that my life would be so much better with out him. He had been over in Germany for a month and I did not miss him not even one minute. When he would call I would just sit and stare at the phone while it rang. Sounds horrible I know but just the thought of hearing his voice made me sick. See I answered one time, he was drunk telling me about how wonderful the women there were...he was so drunk he didn't remember calling me that night. I should have left then.
He had no idea I was unhappy. I would tell him and he always brushed it off. "Your just being emotional, must be that time of the month" He just didn't want to hear that his "perfect" life could be interfering with mine. He told my mother once that he was happy the way things were. He was a husband and father Monday through Friday and a clown at the bar Friday night through Sunday" What a nice thing to tell your MIL.
I thought that he could never hurt me again when I left...boy was I wrong! I'm sitting here missing my children something awful! They are with their sorry excuse of a father! I wish things could be simple. I am the one who gave up who I was to be their mother. I would not take back a single second of the last 9 years. Being a mother to my children is the only thing that makes me sane. I realize that if I would have left him in when I first wanted to I would not have these two precious boys in my life. I took the best of him, the rest is just trash. He has never given up anything for them. He is selfish and has often expressed that they take from "his time" God forbid if your child needs something during a football game...I get so mad at the fact that I HAVE to share them with him now. He did not want to be part of our family when we were with him and now he fights me tooth and nail on EVERYTHING!
School has just started and on Sunday they don't get back from their Dad's until 7pm He lives two and a half hours away. It's hard on them. I asked him if we could move the time up to 6pm and we were going to change times on Friday from 5 to 7 ( it benefits him) and he agreed. I finally thought he was actually thinking of them. But then I get a call on Friday and he wanted his kids at 5pm He was ticked because I am taking him to court for more $ in child support. I knew he was going to do this. He is mad at me so he don't care about how hard it is on the kids.
I'm only taking him to court because he is hiding income. He got a raise, is getting rent money from our house, which I want sold, and is now getting retirement from the VA. I asked him to get the boys school shoes and he told me no, that's why he pays me child support! I would LOVE to know who is buying school clothes for his girlfriends kids?! I am just so upset with him for being so.....I don't even have a word for it! I will take from him to give my boys, and not think a thing of it. Her girls mean NOTHING to me. She is the OW has been for some time. One of the girls is even possibly my ex's.
He took all his girlfriends girls stuff with them when they moved and left all my boys stuff at their grandmother's house. They have nothing of theirs at his new house. My son's dirt bike and ATV are being used by her daughter and when my son goes to use them she throws a FIT...and he has to let her ride. I know my son hurts from this and it hurts me. My youngest is 6 and he has no toys at his fathers. They see that all the girls stuff is there, their rooms are all decorated up ( seen pictures in court) and my children have two mattresses on the floor in a room the size of my closet and nothing to do.....I could go on and on but I guess it is just stupid.
I'm sorry this is so long I just really needed to vent...I hate him for what he did to me. I hate him even more for what he is doing to my children!!!!!

It is amazing to me how similar all these men are!
Slight difference in the details but the same story. They are all sooo selfish ! And these precious children, even in my case a grandchild, mean nothing to them. I stayed way too long also. Hoping he would get better, get nice.Believe deep down inside there was a "good" person. We think we are doing something good for the kids, but really what are we teaching them? To be a door mat, to take abuse,be it verbal, physical or just mental. I would have told either of my girls to leave this guy years ago. But like me they probably would not have listened. What is wrong with us women??

Nothing is wrong with us...We are givers of life and we naturally nourishes our flock. sometimes for what ever reason these men grow jealous of our strength and tries to bring us down in our spirit. But we have to remain the rock that we are,even in hard times.

It took me a long time to realize it was not me. I have always been a strong person, I slowly felt "me" disappear. I allowed this man to take from me the one thing I have always been proud of. He took and took from me until I had nothing left to give. He made me feel as though I owed him somehow. It was after my last surgery that I realized he did not take who I was, she was still there, she was still fighting to get out. She was just buried under years of hurt.
I am strong, I am okay with out him, and I have to move on. I have two precious children who need me.

WOW.. reading these posts really got to me. I see the same pattern.. basically we lost ourselves, and put aside our own wants and needs for our husbands and families. Once we "want" something, we are selfish cold hearted biotches.
Lisa.. You wrote:
He had no idea I was unhappy. I would tell him and he always brushed it off. "Your just being emotional, must be that time of the month" He just didn't want to hear that his "perfect" life could be interfering with mine.

I cannot tell you how many times I heard that one! They would rather believe that then actually believe they were doing something to make us unhappy. Sure we get more emotional once a month, but its actually the only time we vent how we feel, doesnt mean we dont feel it the whole month through!

And Lisa, I am so sorry for the heartache you have gone through. My husband did not cheat or go out to bars until the end (as far as I know). He was content drinking his ass off at home or at our friends. He used to say I should have been grateful that he didnt go out to bars or fool around. I believed him. I dont know what would have been worse, him going to bars or him stumbling around the house (naked many times in front of the kids, my family, the kids friends etc) .. as for the cheating, like I said as far as i know he didnt for most of our marriage. when he did, he talked to the OW on the phone for hours in front of me and the kids as well as in our bedroom for privacy. It was like he was mocking me..
Luckily, the OW does not have any kids, so at least I do not have to worry about my kids in that sense. They have enough hurt by him wanting to spend time with her instead of them. So my heart goes out to you Lisa and your children. But from what I can tell, they are lucky to have you as their mom and I pray that things get better for all of you. As this post is not as new, i hope things have gotten better.
Honestly, I miss my children when they are with him, and it is heart wrenching when they call me and tell me they want to come home the first night because they miss me and daddy doesnt do anything with them, but i have to also say i need that break once in a while. I tell them they need to talk to him and tell him how they feel, but they are scared he will just yell at them. That is so sad. My oldest is 19 now, and spends a few nights here and there with him, but mostly stays at her friends because she doesn't like the way him and his brother talk about me in front of her. He even thought that since she was there for two days (she was in school or at her friends for the most part but..) he felt that he didnt have to take the other two that weekend! Like he did his part cause she was there! I hope my other two girls never hear of that, it would hurt them horribly. He would love having the 19 year old live with him so he wouldnt have to pay her support, and he wouldnt have to take care of her (he would make her do laundry and clean or make her pay him rent). He asks her all the time, but she won't live with him, she is numb to him after many years of his empty promises. I told my daughter that she can if she wants to, he is stupid, he would have to pay her full college tuition, books and supplies, which come out to more than the child support! I told him that and he was like, she can take out a loan! Yeah she sees what he really cares about, she knows i want her here cause i love her and would miss her too much, not that i want the money.
Ok i just went to respond, and ended up going on and on about my own bs. Its funny, as much as I am over him and I am moving on with my life, I still feel the need to vent out. I have at least gotten to the point where i am sick of complaining about everything and sulking all day, I am actually doing something about it. Going to court for support was the first step..getting out of the house and into my own place was the second. Finding a decent job and child care for my kids is the next step (not an easy task but I have faith that it will all work out). I don't think any of this is easy or going to be easy, but I sat around for over a year feeling sorry for myself and i am too much of a strong person to continue to do that. My best revenge (not that i am looking for it cause i really dont care) is making it on my own, taking the best care of my children, and having him bite his tongue that he said i would never make it on my own without him.
My oldest is down at her dads and just texted me that she misses me.. little things like that make my day!
God Bless all of you (especially if you read my ramblings!