You need to be PRO-active and protect yourself. have a meeting with an attorney to see what your rights are; don't wait for him to do something.

you can't make it work, unless he is willing, and he sounds as if he is making up all kinds of excuses, and not being honest about what is really going on.

Don't be a victim...and i understand you don't want the marriage to end; there is a lot of emotions, etc....get into therapy, if possible. He sounds like he is confused and playing some kind of a game. He will continue to jerk you around.

Protect yourself first. Hugs, Alice

Thanks Alice. Do you know anything about legal separation in CA? I am scared if I file for this he will get mad and sign for a divorce. I found another attorney that doesn't charge to talk so I am meeting with them next week. I saw an attorney once but I just got ill when I was in his office and left.I don't know the reasoning by my husband not yet filing yet not talking to me. ugh

I think you should live your life as if it's over. I kind of feel the same way you do. But I am wanting the divorce, husband refuses to leave or even discuss it. But he is abusive too, he doesn't say he wants a divorce, it's over, whatever (I say these to him!!) but he SHOWS it with his actions. He says he loves me wants to stay together wants to be a family but then he is never here! Just off fishing or drinking and I am here doing all the work. He never makes me feel loved or safe or wanted. If I go into his arms he'll embrace me. If I go into his bed I am welcome. If I say I want to go out for dinner he'll take me. But it's ALWAYS me hunting him down. Like he's just obliging. He doesn't come to me. So I feel like I am always getting mixed messages too. I feel he says what I want to hear just to keep me here, he obliges just to make me feel hope so I'll stay. But truth is he wants nothing to do with me, that's why he is hardly ever here and when he is he doesn't interact with me or the kids (unless, as I said, we go and find him). It's lonely. He gets to do what he wants when he wants and I am trapped. I don't get a life, and I think that's his intention. So now I have to force myself to act like it is all over, no holding out for hope that things will change. They haven't in 20 years, they won't now. This way the choice is mine, not his. So if he's saying he filed, act like he has. Start healing. It's not a good feeling when someone messes with your head like that. It keeps you down, keeps you from moving on, makes you doubt yourself and your sanity. It is so hard to do but when this uncertainty looming over your head is gone, you will feel better. I find that when I want my husband, I feel anger (because he's not here). When I don't want him, I feel peace (because he's not here). Circumstances don't change, but my perspective does.

Thanks Strong Spirit. I am also sorry for your pain and lonliness. Its not fair. :( I am heartbroken that you live in a home with your husband and its sometimes even lonelier. I am so proud of you that you are so strong to make the move for a better life and to find someone who wants to have fun with you. That takes courage and strength. I wish I could say I have that but I am soooo heartbroken. I want a baby so bad and I am freaking out that I just turned 40. Makes me so sad that my life is such a mess. You are right about the head trips. I think he loves me then hates me. Doesn't pick up my calls cause I think he thinks he will have to try to fix things I don't know. I hope you can find some fun activities to get involved in and meet cool fun new people. The best thing to do is surround yourself with fun upbeat people. No matter who chooses to divorce its still heartbreaking. Thanks so much for always giving me advise. I really appreciate it and pray for all of us that we are given peace and happiness. Ugh I want to call my husband right now........ He was my best friend and I am trying to not call.. HAve a wonderful day!

I'm a man, and former house-husband. fair warning. I hope it's ok for me to post here. But I identify with the "woman's side" of this divorce business. Being both a man, and the weaker party in a divorce brings a whole other set of gender and other issues.

Anyway, what I've learned in the past few months, is that you should never let someone discard you, or threaten to discard you, more than once. They will never be satisfied and change their mind, and suddenly treat you with respect and affection.

Take control, and be the one to end it, on your terms. Pursue you interests aggressively, with a lawyer. Once you have won everything you are asking for, then that is the time for being charitable, if that's appropriate.

Suffering will impress no one, will change no minds, and won't give you any self-respect either.

PC, Well put!

I am a mother of 2 who has just spent the summer living in shelters to stay away from my abusive husband! I'm not going to say it hasn't been easy, but today we are happier, than we were living in a home, lonely and isolated!

There really so so much more out there!!!

Good luck and god bless!

Wow. I never looked at it this way or maybe have been to sad to realize what is really going on. It is good to hear a mans point of view on things. I have been very confused with my husband and his back and forth saying its done then giving me a thread of hope. I am so scared to file for divorce especially since I love him and want to save the marriage but on the other hand definitely feel foolish and as if people are joking over me like what am I thinking. :( Its weird to think 5 months ago this was my husband we had a home and now he is a stranger and we are both living a mess. I keep getting a ton of bills for him and I am getting scared that he has hid his assets and is not planning on paying any of these. Wish I never gave up my job because now I am completely vulnerable. I pray every night and hope that God gives me the courage to do whats right.
Thank you for your input

I have been married 23 years and now He wants me out of his life and wants to move on. I am a beautiful women and had everything. He has taken everything from me and leave me with nothing. He has called me a stupid women. I have become vendictive taking what I can financially. But it not helping me mentally.

I am so sorry and its very scary and confusing. :( I am not sure what state you are in but everyone is telling me to file a legal separation to protect my rights?? Scares me cause I know he will flip but I think we also have to look after us since noone else will. Check on line what your state says he is obligated to take care of. After being together so long you have many rights. Sorry this is very difficult. Thank god we have this site for each other.

Completely Lost,

Going after his finances will not make you happy, or satisfied. That's not the point. The point is to give you the material support you need to put your life back together. As for the bills, do you have his social? Call up the numbers on each invoice, and give them your husband's new address. Make sure any collections agents who get the case have his new info.

Although I have to admit, I look forward to making her sign that check every month. Maybe she was never grateful for the support I gave her, for making her dreams my dreams. Maybe never will be grateful. But she will show it anyway, every 25th of every month.

Mostly though, I am just sad. Unfortunately love is not a light switch. As strong as I feel now, I know I would break in her presence.

I hear you. Its so sad I call my husband to bring his bills to him just so I have a minute to see him. :( He totally hugs me like he cares but he is so stubborn and says he can't change how he feels. Its cause he isn't trying nor does he want to. The whole thing is so weird for me. He said he would call me to do lunch. I don't know if this is a bad idea but I told him just think about taking baby steps to work on us our marriage??? Should I not call him for 2 weeks see what happens? Thanks for advise

Here's the question I wish I had asked myself years ago: if I had tried to leave, would she have tried to stop me?

Does that mean I should let go and see..?
Went out tonight for the first time in a while with a single friend. uck it made me sick to my stomach. I can't bear to take off my ring although we are separated and when men come and talk with us I just want to scream go away. Just venting its all so weird and scary. I love and miss my husband I know I don't need him to survive but I want him back as the best friend he always was. This all seems like a horrible nightmare. :( I just keep praying and believing in God my faith to lead me... I went to a support group at church yesterday and I am so proud I had the courage to go. It was nice to be around people who understand but at the end of the night I felt guilty because I also wanted to run out of the room because listening to so many sad stories was making me feel week. I am just week right now and sometimes breakable that I feel like I need positive every day all day or I will not be able to cope. Before I could handle anything but now I cant even watch a sad movie.