Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
yes you make a lot of sense, i am to blame for everything and yes he admits he is self destructing. Oftent the guilt specially when i look at my son, really really gets me.
Ive taken time out with my new partner and each time i did I would get clarity. Then the texts, the doubt evrything would set off again. Usually against some back drop of my ex and his very strange gf. (who isnt really his gf...?).
In honesty Ive had my three time out sessions, not sure he can take any more (considering he has now sold his house to be with me).
What surprises me about myself is the jelousy I can feel over his gf. Its crazy. I was totally accepting at first until I realised they were taking the mickey out of me and now the mere mention of her name drives me insane. And I will not allow her to see my son as long as I breath. (My son videod them both drunk 7.30 at night while they were looking after him!! Fortunately I have the video evidence should it ever be needed). I dont know my own reactions really stress me out and make me doubt my own reasons and motivations. I am utterly confused by it all. Why do I miss him, why do I care?
Half the problem is that I am such a logical sensible person most of the time but now Im all over the place.
Its interesting Lisa that you say your ex anfd gf are together but you doubt they are happy. Do you think a man will just stay with someone for that company? In honesty? My ex has said that, that he just wants female company and when he starts drinking etc. He has said he doesnt even like her very much when he's sober!
Oh what a carry on.
Im glad you have made it with your on line friend. Yes I do get that although nothing happened until I left the marriage.
I just dont want to always feel these feelings for my ex but have no idea when they will go away. Lifes not good.
To answer your question (Do you think a man will stay with someone just for company?) Yes. My ex HATES to be alone. He couldn't live with out me, this was what he told me the night he tried to kill himself in my home. Two weeks after I made him leave he was with girlfriend number 1. IMO he can't stand to be alone with himself because he is a truly unhappy person. He never sees joy in anything. The woman he is with now, found out I left him and left her husband. Girlfriend #1 left him because she caught him with her. She is a cheater too they deserve each other. You can't destroy two families and be happy
The mention of her name drives me insane. (lol her name is Lisa too) I have made provisions in our custody papers that SHE ( or any girlfriend he may have in the future) will not be alone with my children for even an hour. He has to be present for all visits and if he gets called to work he HAS to drive them 2 1/2 hours back to me. :)
The sheer thought of my kids being around her makes me so angry. When he brings her with him to get the boys I could punch her right in the face. She ruined my marriage from the start. I was 6 months pregnant with my oldest son, my best friend had just been murdered, my life was so stressed. I worried about losing my baby all the time because I was so stressed, didn't eat for days...,.and my wonderful husband felt the need to wake me up at 3am to tell me that he slept with her that night. She also made it very clear to me that her 12 year old daughter was my husbands...we were married for 12 years. I seen this girl just a few weeks ago, darned if she don't look just like my son. So you see even though I loath my ex I still get angry about her being in his life.
Maybe you are jealously is just anger?
Not that it makes it ok for your ex to be with her one minute and then tell you he doesn't even like her. Sorry but all that tells me is that he is using her for sex. And I feel sorry for her, not in the sense that I would side with her, but because she thinks so little of herself to allow him to use her that way. My ex's #1 used to drive him to the bar and listen to him tell everyone how much he still loved me. I felt sorry for her that she allowed herself to be used.
Do you want to be with a man who is willing to use a woman like this? Are you sure it is love you feel for him? Or do you just feel sorry for him?
If you do love him and do want him back make sure he changes BEFORE you come back. I'm not saying to give him false hope. I'm saying that if he really wants you back he will stop so that you do come back, not use your guilt to make you feel sorry for him. As long as he is drinking, his "female company" is going to continue.
I point blank don't blame the women that my husband cheated with me on. I can only imagine what sob story he told them! I blame him. He is a grown man that willfully dishonored his vows and disrespected me. Be careful, at least internally about blaming the women as this enables a lack of accountability for your husbands choice. As for the anger, try and move beyond it because at the end of the day, you are the one that it takes a toll on emotionally & physically. The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to live a happy, fulfilling life.
Sue, I would love to reach that point but right now I can see exactly where Lisa is coming from. I do not absolve my ex for any actions, he is squarely to blame for the hurtful things that took place, however, as a grown woman his girlfriend gave no thought to my son and served only her own best interest. As she was busy trying to blame my ex for everything I conceded and told her yes he is responsible but in the same vein, you are a grown woman who should have known better as most people would. They can do whatever they like as long as it is not in my house (that I desperately dont want to own) and not with my son.
I think the gf's can contribute either positively or negatively. I am not unreasonable but I will not be made a laughing stock out of repeatedly by some woman who thinks she knows my ex better.
I wish the anger would go, instead it just gets rehashed when they do something new or lie about something new. How do you let it go?
I know it is so hard to let go of the anger you must feel towards your husband. Believe me, I still have my moments in which I fantasize about punching my husband in the face while screaming a tirade of obscenities. I allow myself these moments yet don't act on them. Nobody can make a laughing stock out of you. You can not control how others behave, react or respond to you or their perception of the situation. You can choose how you react to any given situation & in doing so contribute to refraining from giving others the secondary gain they may be seeking by getting a reaction out of you. It is irrelevant to me what my husbands girlfriend thinks of me. I am an honest, intelligent, kind woman of good moral character. I know this and don't question it, despite what others or she may think or say. I still go through a flurry of emotions ranging from anger to depression, yet recognize this as a process I just need to go through. It has been very difficult not talking to my husband for now 8 months but I know I absolutely cannot accept the disrespect that my husband has shown me. I do not want to be with a man that does not share values that are absolutely fundamental to a healthy,respectful marriage. I do think it has been easier for me to heal since I haven't spoken to my husband. It has also been difficult because there really has been no closure for me. I have come to realize that I wont ever get any closure from my husband. I have really been trying to define my own closure by moving on as best I can. Try to refrain from doing things that aren't going to directly put yourself in the path of pain. Be kind to yourself in the process. ~xoxo~
Thank you Sue,
I see the logic and total sense in what you are saying. It is just very difficult letting go of the anger when it is stirred. Every tie I say we should 'let it go and heal' as if by magic something new comes to light and all my anger is refuelled.
I do know what you are saying.
I think things are about to kick off once again and this is probably going to be the worst of worst to come, my new partner received a text at 3am the other night, when I saw the number I realised my exhusband had got hold of it.
When things dont go my ex's way things are going to go nuts. Sometimes I just think going back will be the easiest thing, it will finaly put an end to this ongoing battle that frankly is exhausting me.
But yes, if I could not be so consumed by anger I believe things would be easier. Im just not sure how to be in control of my feelings rather than them being in control of me.
Some days easier than others. I keep asking for no contact but always something comes up where he breaks it. Im not sure if I will ever be free.
As I am making more steps to move on my ex is going to turn up the heat now.
Guess we will see how this all turns out but I am so weary. Good advice Sue and I am glad you are strong and able to keep a positive perspective. I hope I can get there too.
I do agrree to s point Sue. This woman has had her nose in my marriage from the start. I FULLY blame my ex. His choice to keep it in his pants or not to. She was just more than willing to help him take it out.
I am more angry at the fact that he acts as if he has no idea what I am talking about. Just yesterday he was arguing with me about the fact that he never drank in from of our kids...HELLO! What world has he been apart of?? 90% of the time he was around he was drunk! And he has completely blocked the affairs out of his mind. " I have never been unfaithfull" That is where my anger comes from. The least he could do is admit what has happened. Considering he is the one who openly told me about them in the first place, drunk while he did it.
~Lisa~ Trust me, he knows!!!! Not acknowledging the behavior allows your husband to refrain from taking responsibility for it and on some level indirectly blaming you. You absolutely can't change what you don't acknowledge. Be thankful that your husband probably won't change but you can and will.
I totally agree Sue. Priority number one is to cast doubt in our mind. They can live with the guilt 'yes i was a bit naughty' is the response I get!
But letting them know that you wont be coming back because A) happened causes them to try and convince you any which way that while we think A) happened it was infact B) which is not nearly as bad and is indeed forgiveable.
I have to smile. Its called selective memory. They will swear balck is white and eventually have you wondering if it is possible that maybe I made a mistake and black really could be white.
The sincerity that they use is astounding, and because we would find it so incredibly hard to pull that kind of acting off we start to doubt.
The denial makes things ten times worse because we at least want them to understand our stance. A favourite of my ex's is 'thats past, we are talking here and now. now is what matters' and the past is 2 weeks ago when yet another promise is broken in the long list of deceits.
They get it in their moments of clarity but dont want to because it means they have to take some responsibility. Fortunately the biggest deciet for me is on video, but I can assure you that before he knew that I actually had it on video(I let him deny and deny and swear and get angry at my 'insecurity' and 'untrusting' nature). It was an eye opener for me to hear his 'sincerity' and the way he would twist it to it being paranoid me. All the while he was saying these things he knew ****ed well he had done exactly what I was accusing him off, yet he put my life on it, our childs and his parents. Had I not had the video, I wouldve started thinking 'maybe I made a mistake'. You just want them to own up to their behaviour, their part, their contribution.
The change when I told him it was on video was amazing, then it was sorrowfull, it was wanting to die, etc etc etc.
They will lie at every chance to not take responsibility.
And then I stand there thinking I never knew he could lie like this. 17 years and I never knew. Wow.
They may try convince us but they know. But there only concern is to convince us otherwise come hell or high water.
My ex swore to God and he was raised a Christian. lols. Now he says 'I swear to God' and I look at him and he knows his words mean nothing, kinda cornered himself now.
Our entire family would be dead if it all rested on his word!! Lying prat.
Lol ive just put myself in a 'grrrr' mood thinking about it!
Friday was just a really bad day for me. I hate when he passes all the blame on me. He used to do that when he would go out on a Friday and not come home until 8am Saturday morning. I wouldn't listen to a word that lying SOB had to say and he would turn the whole thing into my fault. If only I would have listened to the fact that he had a flat and couldn't make it home ( lol I can change a flat in less than an hour, amazing how it takes 6 hours for a man to do it)
I know I am a better person than he is. he just gets under my skin sometimes and I fall. He has never excepted blame for anything in his life, Mommy taught him how to "pass the buck" from an early age.
The night he tried to kill himself and threatened to kill me turned every time I talk to him into a bad day
Thursday was my bad day.
Wouldnt it be wonderful to be able to take a pill and feel nothing at all for them? Id love to not swing between, hatred, anger, pity, guilt, love.
Sometimes I do feel like its an addiction, I know hes bad for me and I want to be clean but its a struggle.
Today my new partner who is absolutely wonderful has left me to 'reflect' and decide on what I want. He has treated me with the utmost respect, sacrificed an unbelievable amount and turned his own world upside down. He has told me that it is what I want that is important, not him, not my ex. And that whatever decision I make he will respect and stand by. I know he means it.
He is undoubtedly the nicest kindest most decent man I have ever known and I am now in real danger of blowing it all because of all my mixed up emotions for my ex, who has behaved badly for years, controlled me and never shown one iota of respect. Incredible.
Now my ex has gotten hold of my new partners telephone number. Its about to get crazy.
Lisa, my ex used to stay out all night (he was a restaurant manager back then) and come home grunting at me for all the reasons why he couldnt get back.
He once went for a chinese takeaway and came back the next day.
And the best one, our son was conceived IVF. the morning of the actual implant my ex was nowhere to be found at home. When I got to the hospital he was there, the specialist had sent him to get black coffee to sober up (the humiliation!). I actually attacked him (jumping off the hospital bed in my gown) and told him the only reason he was there was because I needed his signature. Actually my son was conceived through that cycle but still!
And all the years hes told me it was all about the drink and never a woman, in fact he gets very insulted if i even suggest another woman. Can I ever proof it? Nah.But after seeing is acting abilities of late, it casts doubt on everything.
Lisa thank you so much for that. I do detest his gf and a lot has to do with anger and sheer disrespect. I actually told her she has no self respect (on the second meeting in my home where she wasnt supposed to be).
I have just had one hell of a night thanks again to this ridiculous woman and my ex of course.
I sent a text earlier telling him this couldnt continue and to please not text me again unless regarding our child. I turned 'his' phone off (I changed my normal number and bought a special ex phone.
I am jelous I think and yet I dont know why, I could make one call and he'd be back like a shot. A spiteful side to me just wants to let her know exactly where she stands, this is down to the disrespect she has shown to both me and my son. I will never forgive her and she knows she will never see my son again, his choice that I fully back. My ex loves our son very much so I have a perverse satisfacton knowing it makes life difficult. At the end of the day I have the proof that neither one of them would want shown in court.
My partner did everything the right way, respected my ex's position and behaved appropriately with my son. My ex husband introduced his gf the same night she slept over in the family home, a big shock for my boy.
Oh the lies are endless.
I actually hate myself for still loving him. Im being driven insane, tonight i think I hit rock bottom, its been a dreadful night.
It does help knowing that my feelings are not unique, I thought I was going mad. I just want the pain to end and to be able to live life again.
My partner wanted to take us on holiday, I said no out of consideration for my ex, this is something he has never shown me yet I am immobilised by it.
I am bloody miserable, loving a man who has pulled the worst stunts and possibly ruined the best thing to have happened to me. Seeing it is one thing but changing those feelings are quite another.
Good for you for having things put legally in place regarding your children!!
By the way I have told my ex that if I ever find her in my house again I will drag her out before taking the injunction out against her. I have never used access against him but told him if he ever lets her see my son, contact will cease immediately. If he meets someone else then its a clean slate but as for this one, the deals done.
Man Im so angry.
I would suggest therapy.
Thanks Allison, my colleaugue and close friend is a psychotherapist. We talk a lot, i can see the patterns, I just dont know how to get control of my emotions.
I can advise others but when it comes to myself Im pretty lame!