Thursday was my bad day.
Wouldnt it be wonderful to be able to take a pill and feel nothing at all for them? Id love to not swing between, hatred, anger, pity, guilt, love.
Sometimes I do feel like its an addiction, I know hes bad for me and I want to be clean but its a struggle.
Today my new partner who is absolutely wonderful has left me to 'reflect' and decide on what I want. He has treated me with the utmost respect, sacrificed an unbelievable amount and turned his own world upside down. He has told me that it is what I want that is important, not him, not my ex. And that whatever decision I make he will respect and stand by. I know he means it.
He is undoubtedly the nicest kindest most decent man I have ever known and I am now in real danger of blowing it all because of all my mixed up emotions for my ex, who has behaved badly for years, controlled me and never shown one iota of respect. Incredible.
Now my ex has gotten hold of my new partners telephone number. Its about to get crazy.
Big sigh.

Lisa, my ex used to stay out all night (he was a restaurant manager back then) and come home grunting at me for all the reasons why he couldnt get back.
He once went for a chinese takeaway and came back the next day.
And the best one, our son was conceived IVF. the morning of the actual implant my ex was nowhere to be found at home. When I got to the hospital he was there, the specialist had sent him to get black coffee to sober up (the humiliation!). I actually attacked him (jumping off the hospital bed in my gown) and told him the only reason he was there was because I needed his signature. Actually my son was conceived through that cycle but still!
And all the years hes told me it was all about the drink and never a woman, in fact he gets very insulted if i even suggest another woman. Can I ever proof it? Nah.But after seeing is acting abilities of late, it casts doubt on everything.
*******.

Lisa thank you so much for that. I do detest his gf and a lot has to do with anger and sheer disrespect. I actually told her she has no self respect (on the second meeting in my home where she wasnt supposed to be).
I have just had one hell of a night thanks again to this ridiculous woman and my ex of course.
I sent a text earlier telling him this couldnt continue and to please not text me again unless regarding our child. I turned 'his' phone off (I changed my normal number and bought a special ex phone.
I am jelous I think and yet I dont know why, I could make one call and he'd be back like a shot. A spiteful side to me just wants to let her know exactly where she stands, this is down to the disrespect she has shown to both me and my son. I will never forgive her and she knows she will never see my son again, his choice that I fully back. My ex loves our son very much so I have a perverse satisfacton knowing it makes life difficult. At the end of the day I have the proof that neither one of them would want shown in court.

My partner did everything the right way, respected my ex's position and behaved appropriately with my son. My ex husband introduced his gf the same night she slept over in the family home, a big shock for my boy.
Oh the lies are endless.

I actually hate myself for still loving him. Im being driven insane, tonight i think I hit rock bottom, its been a dreadful night.
It does help knowing that my feelings are not unique, I thought I was going mad. I just want the pain to end and to be able to live life again.
My partner wanted to take us on holiday, I said no out of consideration for my ex, this is something he has never shown me yet I am immobilised by it.
I am bloody miserable, loving a man who has pulled the worst stunts and possibly ruined the best thing to have happened to me. Seeing it is one thing but changing those feelings are quite another.

Good for you for having things put legally in place regarding your children!!
By the way I have told my ex that if I ever find her in my house again I will drag her out before taking the injunction out against her. I have never used access against him but told him if he ever lets her see my son, contact will cease immediately. If he meets someone else then its a clean slate but as for this one, the deals done.
Man Im so angry.

I would suggest therapy.

Thanks Allison, my colleaugue and close friend is a psychotherapist. We talk a lot, i can see the patterns, I just dont know how to get control of my emotions.
I can advise others but when it comes to myself Im pretty lame!