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Re: New kind of low

hey Lisa,
if we protect our children from all the harsh realities of life we are restricting their coping abilities. Children do need to face some challenges and understand that life is not always fair. Resilience comes from facing challenges whilst being supported.
I know its hard and as mothers we have the whole guilt to deal with. I have met adults who resent the fact that their childhoods were so 'perfect' and protected they had no idea how to cope with lifes tribulations.
The challenges can be made easier by us diluting and supporting. It bulids up an armour they can call up when needed later in life, resilience.
You dont need to bad mouth dad but neither do you need to ignore bad behaviour and just keep quiet. How will they know its not acceptable if its not voiced?
It might help if dad is receptive to a letter. Children can sometimes get through where others cant, not always but anything is worth a shot.
Ground rules for THEIR visitation. Hope it goes well.

Re: New kind of low

I have tried to talk to my ex about our son, he don't listen to a word I say. I have made phone calls to him to try and let him know just how upset his son is and he just starts agruing with me so the conversation ends.
I don't shelter my kids, they have already faced a lot in their little lives. And you are right although it is hard it is good for them.I just wish that I could take all their hurt, living in my own little dream world there.
I talked to him about writing each of us a letter telling us how he feels. I hope he will, I have scheduled him to talk with someone tomorrow

Re: New kind of low

Thats great Lisa, hope he goes for it. He might want to do it a later date so its a good idea to let him know he can do it whenever he feels like it.

Sometimes when we try telling our ex what the problem is they use that information against us, often its counterproductive. I know where you are coming from with that one! All you can aim for is giving your children a voice they can use to ask for their needs to be taken into account. Perhaps their voices will be heard where yours is met with resistence?

Re: New kind of low

Well My son told me yesterday that Dad talked to him about his not being able to spend time with him...WHAT A JOKE!!! My ex told him that he CAN"T spend time with him because he only has him a few days and that if he lived with him he could spend more time with him one on one.
He is such a jerk, what about making the best of the time he has?

Re: New kind of low

Did you switch it round for your son so he could see that if he lived with his dad he would have the same problem only with you? Im pretty certain your children wouldnt be able to cope being seperated from you.
Children quickly adjust to new set ups. dad is trying to undermine everything and cause waves, dangling carrots.
My son wanted to live with dad at one point, because they had so much fun. at one point I got so fed up I said 'ok'. I called both of their bluffs. My ex who had been going on and on and on about how his son should live with him almost had heart attack when I rang and said. Quite effective really, its one issue i dont have to deal with anymore. And of course the more time my son spent with dad the less attractive it all became.
What do you think your ex would do if you called him on it and said maybe equal parenting might be a good idea? If hes simply trying to freak you out the actual intention might not exist. Do you think he would really go for it or does he expect you to fight him tooth and nail but uses it as a stick to beat you with via your children.....

Re: New kind of low

Considering he has never been alone with our children for more than an hour...I think he would tell me that he would take them, go through all the motions, bail, then turn it into something that is my fault
He is playing the good guy with my oldest, my youngest and him have NEVER had a relationship. He doesn't like him because he isn't into sports. Crazy but that is how he is. When he talks about the boys its always "John this, John that and never anything about Joe" I think he really thought that our oldest would just turn on me.
But as my Mommy told me yesterday when I just wanted to give up the fight. " Your all that little boys has that is stable, don't ever give up just because 'ex' is being a jerk. he will need you and you have to be there stronger than ever" I love my Mommy she always know what to say to me.