Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
Unless he WANTS to save the marriage and work on it, there is nothing you can do. I would seek the advice of an attorney t find out your rights. Don't be naive or blindsided, seeing that you dont really know what is going on with him.
Thank you. Is there any advise on opening the communications? I don't want a divorce and he gives mixed messages. Scared, ugh
You need to take control over your own life. Right now you are giving it all to him. You are making him the sole holder of your happiness. So you have a choice. Do you want to be miserable and pine for him? Do you want to only be happy if he is in your life and destined for depression if he's not? Or do you want to take a step back and gain a new perspective so you can find your inner strength? Why do you give your happiness to him? Why do you not value yourself? I think you should really decide if you want help to gain confidence and find the joy that is your gift or if you just want to chase after someone who turned their back on you. I truly hope you choose the former. You are a whole person, with or without him. I really get that you love him a lot and that you don't want to lose him. But I really think you should take the time when you don't contact him and work on yourself. Do you want to be with a man who doesn't love you? If he loves you, he'll be there. Maybe he needs time to cool off. Maybe he's mad. Maybe he can't see a change in you when you are always there. Sometimes it takes a separation, then seeing each other again later in order to see the changes in someone because subtle daily changes go unnoticed but large changes are more noticeable over time. You need to be firm with yourself. Force yourself to think of something else. Give it time. When you talk to him again, show him a STRONG you, not someone desperate for him back. Tell him you understand he wants the divorce and if he truly means it, so be it. It's OK to calmly and confidently tell him you don't agree, that you think you can work it out. But you are not going to wait around for ever. The weaker you act around him the more power he gains. Please take it back. Are you close with your mother? If so, maybe you can get some parental support to remind you of your worth. If not, remind yourself.
I agree with everything Strongspirit has said. Hard to do in my opinion but the thing that struck me was when Sp said that you must not show weakness.
I can tell you this is correct, the more you plead for him to return, the longer it will take to resolve either way simply because he has no need to make his mind up. The stronger you become the more respect you will gain and the faster you will know the outcome. Set your own deadlines, maybe suggest a time out for BOTH of you to consider and reflect. Shift the balance of power so it is more equal. Let him ponder about the fact that maybe you also have some soul searching to do. Begging and pleading will truly weaken your position. Think before you speak. Good luck.
Carol, Ive just been thinking and I'd like to add something.
I get the impression that your self esteem is pretty low. The problem with that is that how we see ourselves is what we project onto others. If you believe you are worthless then that is exactly the image you will give to others. Would you prefer to be with someone who thinks they have value and something worth fighting for or would you be more attracted to someone who basically said 'Im worthless and useless'?
This is not meant to sound harsh. I can tell you that I have moments when I feel those things, I doubt my worth, my value, even my purpose in life. But I never project those feelings outward. If it kills me I look my best and walk head high. I dont always feel that way (honestly its quite rare these days) but I am fully aware that what I project is very important.
My ex has folded many times and told me that he loves me more because of my self respect, he says he loves me MORE for it (he doesnt know it kills me half the time to seem so strong). To him I am worth fighting for. He has a gf who begs, stalks etc. he sleeps with her, he slags her off to me and others, he tells me she is not a woman. He has no respect for her because she has shown none to herself, do you see where I am coming from? If I said 'ok Ill come back' the gf would be out of the picture quick as 123.
Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. You can say you will do this that and the other, but we all know they are just words, its in the doing that counts!
If you want to show him you can change because YOU think you ought to, then make the changes now while you are apart. Imagine how different your contact will be if you have plenty of things to talk about, things you have been doing. That way he can see you made the change and its not just words. My ex says he will make the changes once I go back, thats a mighty big risk I would be taking isnt it. In my eyes if he's so adamant to win me back he would make the changes while we are apart to show he is trying to be a better person. Now I simply dont believe a word he says, nothing can be relied upon because he has proven nothing.
Look at changing your self perception, think about your qualities, we all have them, start to focus on them, making them even better qualities. Stop focusing on negatives, and recognise things about yourself that could be improved. Then start to actively improve them! Set small goals, reach them and set more goals.
You need to recognise all your positives, are you a good listener? A loyal friend? Someone to be trusted? Are you funny? Not all qualities have to be mad dash hobbies/interests, they can be subtle.
Start bigging your qualities and work on areas for growth. If you dont believe in you, how can anyone else? If you were to parachute out of a plane and the coach was very unsure about his capabilities with the chute would you jump? No neither would I!
Take the lead role in how you are perceived. Everyone loves a winner. The more you believe in yourself the more others will too. The more worth you give yourself, the more others will find you worthy.
I know its hard to do when feeling so low, you have to find the strength to do it though for your own sake. Show the world what you can do..go on I dare you
Thank you Strong Spirit and Abbey. I know I sound so low and I hate this. I am very depressed but trying hard to show a strong front and voicing on here since I can't trust too many friends anymore. :( When my husband left I was not working trying to get pregnant so unfortunately, althoug I worked for 12 years prior, I guess I lost myself and went into a panic. He wouldn't return my calls all of a sudden and I know I sounded desperate contacting him. I do not value myself soley on him in my life but as weird as it sounds he was my best friend. My family lives over sea's so I am all alone. I am going to counceling and meeting with a church group and desperately searching for a job. I am trying so hard to become the best person I can be right now but I can't help the minute I get in my car to start bawling. Its a long day for me now since I have not found work yet. I do have strength and know I will(had an interview again yesterday. I guess I am just really scared right now and trying so hard to make myself the best person I can be right now. I thank you both for your email. I had a breakdown today and trying to be so strong but its really hard when you are all alone. I think I've done good by no contact since Thursday, sounds silly but for me I guess its one day at a time. I realize I cannot save my marriage if he does not want to but I can change myself which I am so working on. Since I am in a financial bind I am thankful for this site and support. I pray for all of us to find inner peace and I still pray for my husbands heart to soften and come home as lame as this may sound. In the meantime I am taking your advise and doing whatever I can to try and get strong again. Thank you
Its a bit different and sometimes misleading just by asking other people for answers. We have different situations that often than not, needs a unique and specific approach on how to deal with it.
I say you take action. Find the right answers to your questions. Find your solutions here.