Womans Divorce Forum

Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!

Womans Divorce Forum
Start a New Topic 
Why is this so horribly difficult?

Hi Ladies,

heres an update and possible rant.

I was flapping about making the move with my new partner. It became obvious and my partner suggested that he give me a little time to clear my head. I told him about recent incidents (the smashed window and constant bickering with ex), it felt good to talk to him actually. He said he could imagine that its pretty horrible for me, being torn with guilt, anger, sorrow etc. This man has put himself in an awful predicament for me and he said I hadnt to consider him or my ex I had to reflect and decide what was best for me. He said he would stand by any decision I made with no argument. He would respect my choice whatever that may be.

Then he left. I have asked him to give me space several other times and I felt if I asked for it again I would lose him, I was pretty floored by his understanding and compassion. Anyway the thing is he is a really good guy, treats me like a princess and loves me more than anything in the world. We were actually high school first loves and went out for 3 years.
Id like to add that when we first got together at this point in our lives I was really in love with him and very very happy, only when the ex started with games did I go bit loopy.
The thing is that I have to move out of this property next month, gulp. So not moving is not an option. New partner has sold his house (should be final next month) so he also has to find somewhere to live. The plan being we would rent together and then buy later (my other house is not even on market cos ex doesnt want to get rid of it or take my name off). Thre house has been a bone of contention.
So ex husband previously took gf to house, it became stupid, and I eventually told them both that while I still owned the house she must not go there. several reasons for this, a) they were getting drunk and just being very disrespectfu and b) he refuses to let me be free of the house, as I explained to lovely gf while eyou go there he has no incentive to release me.

So then later I found the video didnt i. I threw complete wobbler and texted her telling her tostay out, blah blah blah. Ex apologies for days, crying etc etc etc.
I went to 'my' house on Monday cos Im thinking could I possibly stay there if I really needed. Goes in bedroom and im thinking 'shes been here again'.
My ex swore on you name it he swore it that shed not step foot in it again.

Anyway. he sends me song called 'honest' so I email him and ask if we could meet and have an on the table, honest conversation. I also said you need to be sober.
he responded saying he wasnt. Evening of random texts and emails occur. I didnt mention the house thing.
next morning when hes sober texts asking what time did i want to meet him and could I run him home for shower? I replied 'answer truthfully when she was last in house, think very carefully'
after a considerable pause the texts started, am i starting on that again blah blah. he said he couldnt remember, that he had told me, it just became ridiculous. hed text anything but not actually answer the question.
So that confirmed my suspicion. And I just figured this man can not for the life of him tell me the truth, even when he thinks I know, he cant admit it. I had wanted to be open and honest about everything just once to get everything straight, i wasnt even throwing wobbler over gf I just wanted honesty.I wanted to meet him later and talk but he was tired, needed to sleep. he had been awake most of previous night cos he rang me 2.40 am (missed call).

Then I thought why am I jepordising a wonderful life I could have over my ex.
So I decided to tell him that I am moving in with my new partner. I didnt know if my new partner would still have me, but I wanted the reaction from my ex out of the way anyway.
I was quite hardcore about a few things, I told him he would not have my new address, that he would be unable to email me or text me after friday.
My thinking is that the constant contact between us is stopping either of us from getting over each other. One minute we are at war, the next best friends, then both supporting each other with the pain. Its madness.And we have gotten nowhere but circles.
I explained that for us to move on we couldnt have the contact. I also said I was taking my belongings out of house and he could have keys back on Friday and do whatever he liked in the house until it was sold via solicitors. Double whammy really, moving in with partner and severing ties with house.
Anyway he basically went quiet. We have had couple of spats, but today it ended kind of ok, he said he couldnt talk to me yet because of the place we are in, he said she had not been back in house ( i dont believe it) and that it would be up to the Gods now, he said 'I will be here'.
I replied saying I didnt want to fight or hurt each other any more than we already have.we left it ok.
then he emailed me the most heartbreaking song.
I cried a lot. We still love each other but we cant be in the same room without it turning because so much has happened.
My new partner asked if I loved my ex and I said yes I think I always will. I dont know how true that is but it feels true right now. I wanted to be honest with my new partner (hes not that new but so you know who i mean)because hiding my feelings was really getting on top of me where I couldnt cope.

I dont know what my ex is doing (though im sure he is drunk right now) he says he only loves one woman, I possibly believe it but think that he has played some rather cruel games.

Whats my point. Well, my head tells me there is a wonderful man, who treats me with dignity and respect. Who has made massive sacrifices on my behalf and does not hold me ransom to them. He is kind, funny all good things, with a couple of irritating habbits of course, lols. Then there is my ex. Calculating, deceitful, dishonest, manipulative and big league controlling.
Yet I love him and miss the good qualities about him. This love is causing me no amount of sorrow and it feels like I will never be free to be happy again because of it.
I want to not love him. I believe loving him will take away any chance of happiness I have.
Is it normal for it to overflow into my new relationship? If I stop all contact will it get easier? Will I be able to enjoy life again and not think about him? Or is it my worst fear that I actually have such a deep love for him that I will never be free and should actually throw in the towel and just go back???

I went to visit my new partner at work today, i took him some lunch. For that half hour I was kinda happy. I had missed him but being with him made me miss him more.

Nothing I do seems to resolve my feelings for my ex. I get stupid random thoughts when we were really happy, or just simple things. Our lives were normal for some time before it went really bad. Now I hardly recognise him but think if I go back it will save him, he says that only i can save him. Im sure he'll be ok. Im not sure if Ill be ok though.
he tells me im making a big mistake, I usually think id be making one going back, but sometimes I think what if he is right. My ex said 'why do you think we are struggling to let go? its because we arent meant to let go'.
My mum would say its because 'he'sa manipulating b~~~~~d and has stuffed your head up good and proper'. Lol. My head is so full of my ex that theres no room for anything else.

People, I feel like my head has been in constant battle with my heart. Does that mean that ultimately it is a battle that will never be won? Should I just go back? Is any of this normal? Can I get over him and ever be free to be happy?

Rant over, thanks for listening!


Re: Why is this so horribly difficult?

There's quite a bit of scientific research out there about how love is like an addiction in terms of how it affects our brains. You could look some up and read about it if you like. My husband won't leave the house and just when I feel I hate him the most and just which he would die I feel pulled back to him and I hate it and I feel worse about myself for it. So I can definitely relate to the feeling of it being an addiction. Maybe understanding the biology behind it can help us to let it go and overcome it.

Re: Why is this so horribly difficult?

Strongspirit, thanks for that.
I have certainly researched. I think my head (and sense) stops me going back in the hopes that my heart will eventually catch up. But it is incredibly difficult and in many ways this love is ruining my life (and a few others by association).
I have sought hypnotherapy, didnt work, counselling, didnt work. Meditation, binary beats, CBT, mantras, you name it Ive probably done it.
Jelousy is a chemical reaction and I think that is what initially kick started this whole thing, and I was fed a lot of information to keep the fires simmering.
I am extremely rational in my thinking (except when jelous then the rule book is out the window) and can join the dots and see what is happening. Unfortunately I am being ruled by my emotions. people say 'take control' and honestly I feel like Im going to lose my mind sometimes with my head fighting my heart.
In reality I am destroying myself, I just dont see a way to win. Im just hoping time is going to do it. If not then my life is never going to be the same again. I may have been miserable with my marriage, but it didnt consume me, I could work productively, be a good mum, had different interests. So yes while I was unhappy with my marriage, I was still able to function productively as an individual. Now I do none of those things well because my thoughts are always about my ex (wanting to kill him, missing him, hating him, loving him, one way or another I am consumed by him). I would like my life back, having half a life seemed better than having no life. And I know that if I did go back I would kick myself for losing my partner, who is probably the best thing to ever happen to me. Go figure. I feel that its lose lose either way. Unless time does its thing.
Its crazy and I know its crazy I just dont have what it takes to change it.

Re: Why is this so horribly difficult?

Ugh, I can completely get what you are saying! Me and mine...I hate him so much and want him dead but then I love and miss him so much and he is always available and I take advantage of that, knowing anytime I want him he is there. We are each other's one and only which makes it worse. I want to leave but then thinking about him happy with someone else, with one of those stupid women who don't care what he does as long as he is there now and then...yeah, basically like me now but I DO care, his actions hurt. But when he is here he is great, my best friend the love of my life, when he goes off with his problems he is my worst enemy and I think if a cop came to my house to tell me he died in a crash I would say thanks for letting me know and I'd go back to sleep (he's an addict). I don't know what it would be like in your situation, I am not in it so can only imagine. But i do often fantasize about meeting someone who is sweet and treats me well and then I can finally let go. But I truly believe no one else would ever want me and experience certainly shows me no hope for that. But you have someone new! Who is sweet and good to you! Maybe if you remind yourself that whoever he is with he will always want you, and how you have someone who is so good to you so tough luck for him! i don't know, as I said I can only imagine. i wish someone could be kind and loving to me, you are lucky to find that! Another thing I tell myself, and it seems harsh but oh well, is I say what makes me think I deserve a life getting what I want? How many people do? So I TRY to be grateful for every experience good or bad, appreciate the good and learn from the bad. Take actions to make good whenever you can. And accept the good that comes your way. You don't lose in life, only win, as long as you don't give up. It's how you look at it.

Re: Why is this so horribly difficult?

You deserve to be happy and with someone who is kind and loving. If you are in a relationship where your partner doesn't treat you well, you should get out. It is destructive and will only bring you down. There are worse things than being alone.

I like how you try to appreciate what you have, but it doesn't mean we can't seek out more. I do think God wants ppl to stay married, but He doesn't want us miserable. If we are miserable we cannot be His voice and His light in the darkness. I've been thinking that perhaps my happiness (and every person's happiness) shouldn't hinge so much on another person, but on our own sense of worth. It's not that easy to achieve, but it's worth trying. With God all things are possible! You are His child and worthy of being happy and loved. Remember that!

Re: Why is this so horribly difficult?

Julie, its interesting that you say that because one of the things my ex uses is God. he says i will go to Hell and i will pay, he too will pay apparently but not quite as much as I will.
He throws God at me at every opportunity, God put us together, so thats why it feels so hard being apart, spiritually we are bound, this is not what God wants...etc etc. I have actually just written a letter to God asking if i am being punished for walking away from my lonely, verbally abusive and highly controlling marriage. I have asked for forgiveness and asked if i may be given peace rather than hapiness.

I am more spiritual that Godly, my mind is open to many angles and I dont subscribe to any one belief system, I think there is some truth in all but I think it is a personal relationship you need to build on. My ex was raised in an evangelical family and has very rigid views. he is intolerant of any belief other than his own. So yes when hes naffed off Im going to hell. Today he told me he would curse and put a spell on me if I moved in with my new (hes now my ex too, so my new ex partner.
Sorry I just tuned this into me didnt I?

Sorry. Im not with it.

lol when I posted I realised it was my thread, so its ok!!! I tell you ladies Im losing the plot over here