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Re: Why is this so horribly difficult?

Strongspirit, thanks for that.
I have certainly researched. I think my head (and sense) stops me going back in the hopes that my heart will eventually catch up. But it is incredibly difficult and in many ways this love is ruining my life (and a few others by association).
I have sought hypnotherapy, didnt work, counselling, didnt work. Meditation, binary beats, CBT, mantras, you name it Ive probably done it.
Jelousy is a chemical reaction and I think that is what initially kick started this whole thing, and I was fed a lot of information to keep the fires simmering.
I am extremely rational in my thinking (except when jelous then the rule book is out the window) and can join the dots and see what is happening. Unfortunately I am being ruled by my emotions. people say 'take control' and honestly I feel like Im going to lose my mind sometimes with my head fighting my heart.
In reality I am destroying myself, I just dont see a way to win. Im just hoping time is going to do it. If not then my life is never going to be the same again. I may have been miserable with my marriage, but it didnt consume me, I could work productively, be a good mum, had different interests. So yes while I was unhappy with my marriage, I was still able to function productively as an individual. Now I do none of those things well because my thoughts are always about my ex (wanting to kill him, missing him, hating him, loving him, one way or another I am consumed by him). I would like my life back, having half a life seemed better than having no life. And I know that if I did go back I would kick myself for losing my partner, who is probably the best thing to ever happen to me. Go figure. I feel that its lose lose either way. Unless time does its thing.
Its crazy and I know its crazy I just dont have what it takes to change it.

Re: Why is this so horribly difficult?

Ugh, I can completely get what you are saying! Me and mine...I hate him so much and want him dead but then I love and miss him so much and he is always available and I take advantage of that, knowing anytime I want him he is there. We are each other's one and only which makes it worse. I want to leave but then thinking about him happy with someone else, with one of those stupid women who don't care what he does as long as he is there now and then...yeah, basically like me now but I DO care, his actions hurt. But when he is here he is great, my best friend the love of my life, when he goes off with his problems he is my worst enemy and I think if a cop came to my house to tell me he died in a crash I would say thanks for letting me know and I'd go back to sleep (he's an addict). I don't know what it would be like in your situation, I am not in it so can only imagine. But i do often fantasize about meeting someone who is sweet and treats me well and then I can finally let go. But I truly believe no one else would ever want me and experience certainly shows me no hope for that. But you have someone new! Who is sweet and good to you! Maybe if you remind yourself that whoever he is with he will always want you, and how you have someone who is so good to you so tough luck for him! i don't know, as I said I can only imagine. i wish someone could be kind and loving to me, you are lucky to find that! Another thing I tell myself, and it seems harsh but oh well, is I say what makes me think I deserve a life getting what I want? How many people do? So I TRY to be grateful for every experience good or bad, appreciate the good and learn from the bad. Take actions to make good whenever you can. And accept the good that comes your way. You don't lose in life, only win, as long as you don't give up. It's how you look at it.

Re: Why is this so horribly difficult?

You deserve to be happy and with someone who is kind and loving. If you are in a relationship where your partner doesn't treat you well, you should get out. It is destructive and will only bring you down. There are worse things than being alone.

I like how you try to appreciate what you have, but it doesn't mean we can't seek out more. I do think God wants ppl to stay married, but He doesn't want us miserable. If we are miserable we cannot be His voice and His light in the darkness. I've been thinking that perhaps my happiness (and every person's happiness) shouldn't hinge so much on another person, but on our own sense of worth. It's not that easy to achieve, but it's worth trying. With God all things are possible! You are His child and worthy of being happy and loved. Remember that!

Re: Why is this so horribly difficult?

Julie, its interesting that you say that because one of the things my ex uses is God. he says i will go to Hell and i will pay, he too will pay apparently but not quite as much as I will.
He throws God at me at every opportunity, God put us together, so thats why it feels so hard being apart, spiritually we are bound, this is not what God wants...etc etc. I have actually just written a letter to God asking if i am being punished for walking away from my lonely, verbally abusive and highly controlling marriage. I have asked for forgiveness and asked if i may be given peace rather than hapiness.

I am more spiritual that Godly, my mind is open to many angles and I dont subscribe to any one belief system, I think there is some truth in all but I think it is a personal relationship you need to build on. My ex was raised in an evangelical family and has very rigid views. he is intolerant of any belief other than his own. So yes when hes naffed off Im going to hell. Today he told me he would curse and put a spell on me if I moved in with my new (hes now my ex too, so my new ex partner.
Sorry I just tuned this into me didnt I?

Sorry. Im not with it.

lol when I posted I realised it was my thread, so its ok!!! I tell you ladies Im losing the plot over here