Susan, thank you. I am so grateful to you for sharing your story and advice. I can't imagine having gone through what you did while caring for young children. And that 15 year younger girlfriend ****** me off just reading it! I know that what you are saying is wise and true.We made the decision to end the marriage after several years of counseling, and even though it was sad, at first there was a sense of relief and a chance for a fresh start. I am shocked at my delayed reaction and the fact that I am now terrified of actually divorcing. And it has brought up all kinds of other issues and feelings I didn't know I had. Very ugly feelings of self loathing and low self esteem. I am still in counseling, but my sessions are starting to sound like a broken record. The sad truth is that there is no solution to make this current situation "work", I have to protect myself and come up with a plan to break this tie. This will be a huge hole to fill, but I know that something that takes me in and out of feeling good/miserable about myself is no way to spend my life. I'm ashamed to say I comfort myself by thinking "If he's with me, then he obviously isn't serious about her" kind of crazy thoughts. Unless he's not with me, and you can guess what I think then.... Last night my daughter caught me crying, and it broke my heart to see her concerned face. I think that was when I started to feel the real pain, instead of trying to manage the situation. Like any addiction, which is essentially what this is, I guess I have to go through some hellish withdrawal.
Thank you again, Susan. I think I may even be able to sleep tonight.