Hi Susan, thanks for the support. I now realise I am not alone and this goes on every day somewhere in the world. Its hard to accept, but I am told Acceptance is the Key! I try to be strong, sometimes its just too sad going back over our lives together. We created so much, now he wants none of it. He wants to come and stay at our home, but I have told him as I don't trust him anymore he can't be there if I am not. He won't give me the keys back and if I change the locks he would only smash a window, so whats the point. He has had legal advice and I have as well, but he won't do anything until I am emoitonally ready!! Why? I told him not to wait,just go ahead and do what he wants, start proceeedings. I told him the sooner he did this the sooner I would have to move on and accept this. He refuses. I am wondering if he is wanting me to start legal proceedings first so he is not seen as the bad guy to his mates and family. His family is devestated and so are mine. He has no care for anyone but himself and now says he is going to be selfish, something he thinks he has never been. But he has! I reminded him that having an affair and still coming home to me every night for 4 mths is SELFISH! I am trying to get the courage to make plans for myself, but its so hard to make plans when you are alone and have always shared holidays with your husband. Its my birthday next month and our wedding anniversary and I am not looking forward to either. Anyway, thanks again I am grateful that you were able to make me see that I am not alone. Take care.

Can I make a suggestion? Take the power out of his hands. You gave him a 3 month deadline. He used this time to use you IMO. He lead you to believe that there was a chance, knowing the whole time that there wasn't. Guilt makes them do this. He knew he didn't want to make things work but to spare himself the guilt. He came over to help out, he had sex with you. Again IMO he used you.
Don't allow him to use you anymore. Take back the power you have always had. Give YOURSELF 3 months. 3 months of NOT allowing him to hurt you. This is hard to do, I know. Don't offer or allow him sex. Use these three months to see if you really want HIM. As much as we hate it we can't make them stay. we can't make them be faithful. All we can do is be strong for ourselves if they choose to go.
I am the one who filed for divorce, my ex didn't want this. But then my ex didn't want to be faithful to me, he didn't want to give up anything for me. He wanted to be married but only on his terms. I tried for years to make him feel loved. I would have loved this man for the rest of my life. I was willing to do anything for him. But years of never feeling loved back burned me out. I tried everything. And was given nothing. I finally decided not to allow him to have all the power. I realized that I was not going to let him decide my happiness. It took me a long time to get to that point, its hard but in the end it is worth it.
If your husband loves you, truly loves you, he will see that he is missing out on the best thing. Leave him wondering for a while. As much as you want to curl up and die...don't. Go out, smile, laugh. Let him see what he is missing. But do it with the attitude that you don't need him. Learn to love yourself. 20 years is a long time, I think after so long we lose the "me" and become an "us" As women we tend to define ourselves by our partner.
I hope that all works out, I for one did not grow up thinking...I'm gonna get married for a few years, have some kids then get divorced.But it happened to me. It broke my heart. Time does heal all wounds.

Hi Lisa, your words are encouraging. You say if he truely loves me, well he has told me point blank he no longer loves me, he will see what he is missing out on. He wouldn't have a clue what I am doing, and I have no idea what he is doing either. Although I did find receipts in his car for dinners he has been to with another woman, whilst he was coming and having sex with me. I know it will take time, and the hardest part in this is going home every night to an empty house, the drive home nearly kills me. He stayed at the house when I went away for 2 weeks in June and told me he was very lonely with nobody there. I reminded him I have been on my own now in OUR house for 4 and a half months, he has no idea what it is like to be alone. I like you would have loved him for the rest of my life, and at the moment I still do. How do you find the switch to turn all of this off! Have a good day and thanks again.

Jo
There really is no switch that can be turned off. But time does heal all wounds. As time goes by it gets easier and easier. My husband was also unfaithful to me. But I finally got to the point I could not allow this anymore. You are worth more than what he wants to give you. He does not deserve another chance with you. You did nothing wrong. He was the one who broke your vows. Divorce women do have to go through a grieving process and there will be a time you will hit your anger stage. It took me awhile to hit this. But when you do you will look back and realize , what was i thinking , I should of left years ago. I know it gets lonely but it really is not that bad. I just focus on my kids. but my life is so much happier now that he is gone. I dont have to worry about him anymore or what he is doing. Belive in yourself and begin to love yourself again and realize you do not have to take this. Start the divorce ,He is just hanging on in case things dont work out for him. Dont give him that power. I wish you the best.

I agree that he is just waiting to see if things with OW work out.
Start the healing by being in control.

Hi again Jo,

You are absolutely right about him not wanting to be the one to file for divorce because it will make him look bad. After I found out about my ex's affair and we made several tries to make it work, he kept asking me when I would file for divorce. I know what he was doing. He did not want to look like the bad guy and he wanted to be able to tell my children in time..."Look, it was your mom who filed for the divorce." Most of the time I can read my ex like a book. When you love someone you study everything about them throughout your marriage.

Well, turns out I did not have to file. One day he came to my home with our boys and told me he wanted more time with the boys. I told him before this happened that he could have as much time as he wanted, but not while he had his little affair thing with him. We had not even begun to file for divorce and he had her in the picture with the boys. I told him not right now and that we would talk about it later, but he put the boys only 7 and 9 at the time right in front of me and begin to bring them into the argument he was creating. As it continued on and I told him to leave he refused and put his face up to mine and said, go ahead hit me. I know you want to. Then I knew how low my ex had sunk. He and I have never resorted to striking each other in all our twenty years and now he was egging me on to hit him so he could use it in court. The boys started crying and ran out the door and he ran after them. I had finally had it. I was no longer going to be the meek, do anything for your husband housewife anymore to a controlling fool. I then did something my ex and even I would never have believed I would do. I called the police while he was outside trying chase the boys down. When they entered my home they brought the boys in, I sent them to their room and the police asked if I wanted to press charges on my ex who was outside. I told him no, I just wanted him out of my home. I do not want to arrest the boys father with the boys here. They told me my ex looked shocked and nervous when they pulled into the yard. From this day on I stood up to my ex whenever I had to, but I have always been fair when it came down to choices and we both share our time with the boys now. But to get to the point... I was served with divorce papers within the next few days. My ex's pride out rode his guilt. I took the papers from the server with a smile and said.... Thank you, I was waiting for these and he said it was the first time he had ever served somebody who was not shocked or upset about receiving them. I was more happy and relieved all in one.

Susan

Looking for some guidance. He tells me its over, he tells me he won't push me, he won't file anything with Lawyers as I posted before,he wants me to be the one to start proceedings so he is not seen as the bad guy. He texted me yesterday about work to be done at our house and meeting someone there to discuss. No longer refers to it as our HOME. I ignored his text. He called me this morning, I didn't pickup, so he left a message telling me the person he was meeting at the house was sick and couldn't come. He texted me 5hrs later to see if I got his message. I have ignored him again. He wouldn't know if I was dead or alive. This traumatises me every time I see he is calling or leaving a message. What do you suggest, ignore him? or be polite with one word answers, yes or no. I still want him back,I know that sounds dumb, but the more I seem to ignore him the more he tries to contact me. He did this for 3 mths when he left and then after me replying to his constant pursuing he tells me its over. Why do men play these mind games. Or am I just living in hope that he may change his mind. I am up and I am down, its really starting to wear me down. I want to move on, but don't really know how. This site really helps me to see that I am not alone,but I bet there are a million other women going through this.

Funny how now that you are the one in control ( by not answering the phone/texts) he is scared. He has no idea what is going on and that is bugging him. If it were me, I would not answer, but that is because my ex called me 76 times (no lie) in one day. I refused to answer his calls so he kept calling and calling...I had to shut off my phone, it never quit ringing. I ended up getting a new number.
Be warned, my ex said "No lawyers" too.....next thing I know I'm in court.
I don't think men know what they want, thats why they keep us in tow, they want the freedom of being single but they like knowing that they have a meal one the table, a clean house and a warm bed to crawl into.
There is a song that I love by Sara Evans " A Little Bit Stronger" It should be a theme song for us women. It makes me feel stronger just listening to it

Lisa, I don't think he is at all scared, just trying to make out he is the good guy. He is a fireman and he sees himself as an upstanding member of the community, yeah right! I don't know, but I might leave it another week and then maybe when I have the strength to accept his call I will keep it short and to the point about the house etc., nothing about my personal life. Not that I think he cares about that either. If I let him hear that I am doing ok he might then start legal proceedings. Not sure,he is so hard to read as he has lied to me for so long. Its my birthday soon so I will be very interested to see if he buys me a present like he did with the ***** he had the affair with. This was while he was coming and going over the 3 mths and having sex with me. He is a very confused puppy! My Psych likens him to an adolescent teenager, which I tend to agree with. The more I look at him the more I see the depth of his guilt and shame. But at the end of the day, thats his problem, I know this, but why do we women feel it our duty/job to help them?? Hanging in there one day at a time.

Maybe you could give him quick answers on official things like fixing the home, questions on things that need to be settled for official reasons, but stay away from any personal talk. I agree with keeping him guessing when it comes to your private life and feelings. You need this control in your life. I am also a firm believer in "Smile because they think you're up to something technique and if you do have anything the court should know never get to close to him to have him talk your secrets out of you. I lived with a controlling husband...they want to know all and see all, but it is just the opposite for them. They feel you have no business into their business...it is a two way street with them. You do have to have some communication if you have things you need to discuss about a divorce, your home etc.... but use short quick answers and treat him more as a business partner and not a husband or a friend....he proved to you he wasn't.

Susan

Thats exactly how he is treating me, as a business transaction. I on the other hand am dealing with the emoitonal side of losing my home, my marriage, my best friend. I asked him if he woke up one day, one month, one year from now and realised this was all a huge mistake, would he have the guts to tell me. Or would he feel that he can't back down on his decision or lose face with his mates. He told me if that ever happened he hoped we would still be on talking terms and he could talk to me. Go figure! Do we call this hedging our bets, or me just hanging on to any hope that he will do this, because I along with the majority of our friends believe the same. He degraded our marriage to his ***** to justify his affair! thats the part that has destroyed me, and him sharing our sex life with her in journals, that also destroyed me and my self esteeem. How could someone do that to another person without realising the impact he would have on me. But then again he thought he was so good at lying and hiding stuff he would never have guessed I would have foudn what I did. It breaks my heart when I relive the words he wrote. The sun came up today and I am alive, so have to focus on good thoughts, not destructive demons living in my head. thanks again for caring.

Hey Jo,

My ex was a fireman also. I helped him study to get on while we were dating. He was on for 20 years while also building homes. Unknown to me at the time he started having an affair with this young girl and because he put in 20yrs he decided to take the early retirement they offered at this time. He told me it was because he wanted to put more into his construction job but as I look back I can see now that it was around the time he started his affair with her and he just wanted more time to spend with her. When we tried a few times to make it work out he confessed he wished he had never retired early....but he ended up with the girl anyways so who knows what lies he was telling???? That's how he met this 25 year old girl...he was building a house for her and her husband...Long story. To sum it up quick....Just two selfish people" Also....some of the stories I heard about firemen from him would curl your toes and I know there is probably so much more he never told me. Just glad I don't have to live with him anymore. Liars destroy lives.....

Susan But like you said...look on the bright side of things. I see now what I have escaped from. Try and have a nice day.