I have known my husband for 13 years, been married for 6. I have supported him through a drug problem, verbal abuse (because of the drug problem), quitting jobs, etc. I meant every word I said when I made a choice to marry him. He refuses to go to therapy or get on meds when I am fairly certain he deals with depression and god knows what else because he won't really talk about much. I thought things were finally ok, when he springs it on me that we fight too much and he can't get over the past. Then tells me he doesn't want children when he has always said he has. I am angry. If anyone should get over the past, it is me, but I have done many things to better myself for him (therapy, meds, change of behaviors, etc.). Is it time to give up? He is a good person deep down, but for some reason keeps getting held back and reverting to darkness. Can I help him see light at the end of the tunnel? I am 32 and feel like I can't do this forever.
If your feeling that you can't do it anymore, It is time to get out. My ex was an alcoholic and was verbally abusive. Beleive me you will not ever change them. I tried and it failed. they are who they are. If you are unable to deal with it and dont want to live like this the rest of your life it is time to move on. It will be hard but will get better. Good luck to u.
the truth is 'everyone' has a good side. The good side is what keeps us hanging on. Ask yourself this out of a percentage, what percentage of him is good and what percentage is not.
I was told to stick to the 80/20 rule. You need someone who you believe is 80% good then you can cope with the 20%.
My ex was 80% bad 20% wonderful. The 20% kept me locked in for years when really I should have let go long ago.
You cant convince someone to change. If they change for your benefit its only ever going to be short lived. After 18 years of lots of changes, my ex is now exactly the same as when I first met him (a selfish, manipulating, self pitying, angry drunk)only time and age has matured his bad bits, so he's MORE selfish, more manipluating, more self pitying, more angry and yup drinks even more.In the begining I saw the 20% good and thought I could change the 80%, I was sooooo wrong.
Time wont change them, the kids wont change them and we wont change them. Only they can. And even then its a long shot, cos if it was 80/20 to start with chances are it will always be 80/20.
If you are hoping for change Sarah, then you have to be the one to change your life, he simply wont do it.
From experience, no matter how fabulous that 20% is its simply not a big enough number to work with.
Sarah I agree with Abbey. We often see the good no matter how small or large the %
My ex did a great job hiding the bad %from me. If you would have seen/ heard him, you would have thought he just 100% good. He told me he loved me every day, told me how beautiful I was all the time. He never went a day with out telling me how lucky he was for having me in his life.......but he NEVER showed me. I would beg him to stay home with me and as he spoke his beautiful words he would walk out the door. Find someone else and show her how much she meant to him.
There comes a time in our lives that we have to start taking care of ourselves and not worry so much about fixing theirs. I have seen first hand what drugs can do to the person you love, and how love for the good in that person compels us to hold on to them.
Only you know what you are to do. But may I suggest that you don't bring a child into the mix quite yet?. Ask your self this "Is he really father material?" Because no matter how much time goes by you can leave but if you have a child with him...that child will always be a part of him and that will keep him in your life.
Sarah,
You have to come the relization that you can not help him, he must decide to help himself. You said you can not take it anymore, so go now before there are children involved.