Lisa,
Thank you so much for taking the time to care, you have no idea how much this means to me.

My sister is in a emotionally abusive relationship....I only wish she would see the light and leave her husband. I do not think that all answers are divorce but in a relationship where you are forced either by brute force or mind games to stay then it is time to leave.
I miss my sister, he husband doesn't allow me to have a relationship with her because he feels that I am a "sinner" because I left my husband.
He told me that a good woman stands behind her man no matter what....a saying ONLY men use lol
do you have children?

I have twin girls who will turn 17 on Sept. 21st and a twelve year old son. My husbnd works hard so I can be a stay at home mother, but the mind games have become to emotionly draining for me to take. I have always known that my family would be there to help me if I ever wanted to leave my husband, but I felt that all of this is my fault because I picked him, and my children deserve a father, so I have never told anyone what I am going through, and have suffered in silence. The emotional abuse caused me to become sick,I had migraine headaches that would last for a week at a time,and I got shingels at 27 years old. since that day, 10 years ago, I started exercising to help with the stress, it has worked and I no longer have any symptoms that anyone can see, but I know I am deprssed quite often, but I am good at covering it up. My husband does not keep me from friends and family but I don't have fiends becuase I don't want anyone to find out the hell that I live, because then I would have to do something about it.
I can imagine the isolation your sister must feel. Does she have any children?

She has 3 boys. The saddest part, she believes him to be God. He has destroyed my family since he walked into her life 16 years ago. We were best friends, I told her everything and she told me everything. We were each others rock....he told her it wasn't normal to be that close to your sister...and she quit talking to me just like that. He allows her to get just close enough that she don't see that she is being held back. One week she is calling me, we laugh, we cry...the next, she is calling me telling me that I am going to hell because I am a sinner. Her husband believes that I should have stayed with my husband. He didn't care that my ex put me through hell.
I suffered in silence for years being unhappy with my husband. The first 2 years of our marriage were GREAT. My ex was in the Army and we were in New York for a few years then he got out and we came back home. That was a big mistake. My ex started drinking ( he has always felt useless because he got discharged from army for medical reasons) and he allowed this to take over his life. The drinking got bad, we would fight all the time, I was on the way out had told him I was leaving one night, he cried promised change so I stayed. I loved him then. I found out I was pregnant soon after, he didn't change, he got worse. Drank more, lead to his first affair.
No one knew about any of this until a 1 1/2 ago.
I smiled every day, cried every night. I played the perfect wife when needed. No one knew about the many nights I would sit on the couch waiting for him to come home. Bars here close at 2 am latest 2:30 am I would be ok until about 3 am. Then the worry would start. What was I going to tell everyone? How would I explain to my family that he was hurt or dead because he was drunk and had an accident ( a close family member was hit by a drunk and died) By about 5 am I would be sick to my stomach ( I have Crohn's, stress is not good for me ) then I would get mad, and by that time I was wishing he was dead so that I didn't have to be the one to kill him. I would watch him roll in around 7 or 8 am and my heart would sink. I was to the point where I wanted him dead just so the pain of him breaking my heart over and over again would go away. I did this for years. iI wasn't stupid, I knew that every time he didn't come home he was with her. I just thought that I had to try harder, be better. I quit my job so that he didn't have to worry about the kids ( he used to throw a fit if he had to watch them) I made his life easy. I took care of everything for him. He never changed, he got even worse, but by then I had two kids to worry about. What kind of mother destroys their kids lives by leaving a "perfect" marriage? You would not believe how many times I have heard this, from people who I thought were my friends.
Finally I quit waiting up, he started sleeping on the couch and life went on. I put all my energy into my children and my house. I had the cleanest house in the city (lol)
I believe I made the right choice for me. I was dying inside. Every day I woke up next to him a piece of me broke away. I became numb to life. I avoided family and friends because I didn't want them to know. We fought a lot when he drank whiskey. I pulled a gun on him once because he grabbed me by the neck. I told him if he ever tried to hit me I would kill him. I think I scared him, he never touched me, but my house paid the price. Doors get expensive to replace after a while.
What looks like light isn't always sunshine.
It got to much for me and a week after our 11 year anniversary I finally told him to leave. This time I meant it. There was no going bak for me. I have told him it was over 4 times before, but saying it with his bags packed seemed to make him see I meant it.
The past 9 years have been hard, but in the 1 1/2 since I told him to leave I have been so happy. No longer to I have to pretend to be happy. I can cry if want to and smile only if I have something to smile about. I can fall apart and not have to comfort someone else. No being every one else's rock is amazingly comforting. I am finally after years of loneliness, happy.
So after my LONG story (lol) the point I am making is that: It is harder to maintain the perception of happiness than it is to actually obtain happiness.

It sounds to me like you have not only lost your sister but a best firend, it must be very hard to deal with. I have to admit, when I first read your post I was crying so hard I could barely read the words, I had to come back later and read it again. When I read your words I can imagine every heart breaking moment. My husband does not drink, and there is never a moment that I think he cheats on me, sometimes I wonder if I am crazy, and it is really me that is the problem, then I remember all the pain and confusion. I think the thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares me so bad that I am afraid to take action. At least I know what is going to happen if I stay, it is the unknown that scares me the most. You said that you were also a stay at home mother, what did you do about money when you finally decided to leave?

I can relate to both of you on different levels. Mine is emotionally abusive. I have no friends, also like you say, because I don't want anyone knowing. How do I make friends, and have to force a smile if he is breaking my heart? How could I go somewhere if I didn't know if he'd be there when I came back? How could I ask friends/family to stay with me if he might not come home when they are there then they'd know? I have been SO isolated, trying to hide my shame of being with such a man, pretending to have a nice marriage. Mine drinks. went to bars most of our almost 20 years of marriage. i have 2 kids, 16 and 9. I have raised them alone. We'd go days without seeing him, he'd come home smelly and dirty and scruffy and not say a word (not just alcohol, also drugs). I also don't think he cheated, he says no, I look at him and believe him, who'd want him? But how do I know? Could have happened and he lied (he's a fantastic liar). Could have happened and he just doesn't remember. I am so sick of being with him. He won't leave. I have stopped crying, yelling. Stopped trying. He sleeps in basement. he tries to get back together every now and then. he can be great, nice, sweet, helpful, etc. When he tries I am so happy, can't stop thinking of him and how lucky I am to have him. then he screws up again. Now when he tries...my heart isn't in it. I might be friendly (not nasty or not ignore him) but the feelings are just gone. It is getting easier to live in the same house as him because I just don't care anymore. I am reaching out to people, trying to make friends. I always pull back, don't let anyone too close, but now I am not doing that. he also said reasons why i have no friends and I believed him but now I see it's not true it was just his way of keeping me to his selfish self. he'd hurt me and I'd run to him for comfort because I had no one else. No more. If I am so mean and no one likes me and I don't like anyone else, then why is it that I can talk easily with others and genuinely enjoy time spent with them? Why do they like me? Why do I like them? Well, because i am not the monster he told me I am . And neither are you. I am so glad you can see this. I used to excuse my husbands behavior, oh he's like that because of alcohol, drugs, whatever, he's good inside, it's the chemicals that affect him. Now I can see, no it is HIM. He is NOT a good caring person. He is selfish and manipulative. My life is too full now to have people like that in it. I am selective about who is allowed to share my life. It is my choice. Wow, we have this choice? I didn't realize before! How crazy is that? So anyone who brings out the worst in me and makes me feel bad about myself...out. Anyone who accepts me and makes me feel good about who I am and who I equally care about...in. So simple, why so long to figure it out? Don't worry about being alone, you won't be, there are lots of people around! We isolate ourselves, we are not ostracized. I was also stay at home mom for a while, I could never trust him with the kids anyway and he couldn't stand taking them to activities or whatever (wasn't even there for every birthday). But i went back to school, got a job. Every day when I was in school I didn't want to go, I cried all the time but I told myself this is my ticket OUT. making my own money has really empowered me. I don't NEED him anymore. All the things he used to say ("well, SOMEONE has to make the money"..."No I can't be with you because SOMEONE has to work"....like taking care of kids/house isn't work?? Really? I am pretty sure some people get paid to do that...) Anyway, I don't know about the legalities of being a stay at home mom then getting a job before divorce vs after, someone else will need to advise you on that. All I can say is take your sadness, take your anger and disappointment, and turn them into resolve to have a great life! There was a quote I saw a long time ago, something like "just because you bought the ticket doesn't mean you have to stay for the second act". Just think of all the JOY that is waiting for you!! It's there already, you just have to go towards it! I am in the process of going there, but I KNOW it's there and that's what gets me out of bed every day!

Good luck to you Strongspirit! I had to laugh when you said " Like taking care of the house/kids isn't work?...I'm sure people get paid for that"
I am a housekeeper for a Dr. I make pretty good money at it too
My ex was a jerk and that is why I quit working in the first place, I worked nights as a CNA and he couldn't handle the kids. I would have to take them to my mother's house and then go get them at 11 pm when I got home, mean while lazy ass was sleeping on the couch

Thank you, my life is so much better now. I was scared too. That is why I stayed for so long. I had been out of the work force for a few years, I quit my job after my second son was born and felt hopeless. At that time I didn't care, I just wanted out. I could not take it any more.
I had a great friend who allowed me to stay at his house while he was out of state. But I know if he wouldn't have let me stay at his house I would have gone to my mothers for a while.
I am working now. It's not much but its something. CHild support helps some. YOu can get APL if you leave. Which means that your hubby has to support you even if you are not together.
"JOINT BANK ACCOUNT"
(My ex drained our largest account with out telling me, so my advice to you...beat him to it) Sounds mean but let me tell you they will think nothing of doing it to you. Your the one with the kids so do what you have to do.

Get out while you are still young enoungh to start a new life for yourself. Find some one who loves you for who you are. I stuck in a mentally abusive marriage for 34 yrs. Now he is divorcing me! Wish it had happened when I was younger. But we were taught you get married, you stay married. He is gone now, and I dont miss him at all. The divorce process is no fun at all, but I am hoping to be so much better when it is over. Money or no money, I will have some self respect. Good luck

I stayed for 36 years. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I recommend it to everyone. Verbal abuse is rampant on the planet..abusers RARELY change, and so you have to figure out what you want; take steps to get there; get into therapy (alone).....Hugs, Allison

I want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my post, it has helped me more then you can ever imagine. @ Allison, thanks for the book recommendation I will run out and buy it today, and thanks for the hug, even if it was only through the internet, I can't even begin to count the times I have cried wishing there was someone there to hug me and tell me it will be alright.