My husband happens to be a cop and has verbally threatened suicide. (We have been married 19 years and separated 9 months. He left but wants to come back.) I posted several days ago and appreciate the reply that I got from Jo encouraging me to talk to his superiors about this. Seems he has already done that (confirmed it) and they support him taking time off, seeing a counselor, etc. I just can't get him to go to the counselor! He doesn't drink, and he has never been physically abusive to me or our kids though he has been very emotionally abusive (as with the suicide threat) and he can have an explosive temper. I don't want him to hurt himself, but I also don't want him to get really angry and suddenly focus all of that anger at me, the kids or anyone else. So at this point, should I hire a lawyer? Or do I keep trying with the counselor? Maybe push his boss for more help? I don't want to push too hard and jeopardize his job because I know that that would send this mess spiraling way out of control! But if I have to do that to protect myself and everyone else, I will. His mother hates me and won't believe a thing I say. She is very vindictive and makes things much worse (He is living with her, and she and he are absurdly close.) Any suggestions?

Threatening suicide is very manipulative & controlling. The underlying message that he is trying to convey to you is that you are responsible for his behavior. No one is responsible for another person's behavior or how they react to any given situation. Having to speak to his boss about your husband getting help or prompting him to do so seems like a symptom of a lack of insight or accountability on his part for his behavior. If your husband has a sincere intention to work on your marriage he should be the one to initiate getting professional guidance. As Dr. Phil would say "you cannot change what you don't acknowledge." If your husband is depressed or even suicidal, this doesn't warrant staying with him at the expense of being disrespected & unsafe in your own home. The only result that has is enabling his behavior & compromising your happiness & comfort. It may be helpful for you at this time to focus on what you need to do for yourself to be happy. It is helpful to be able to go through this process without the emotionally charged element of having your husband in the home. I wish the best for you.

I think I'd get a lawyer. Do it quietly. get advice from women's shelter so if you feel threatened you have somewhere else to go. I think I'd make it clear if he doesn't get help it's over. You and your kids don't need to live in fear. Do what you can to keep you and your kids safe and happy. As for his mother...ignore her. She won't see the truth, she'll just try to confuse you. You know the situation, you know how to handle it. They'll just make you doubt yourself. Do what you need to do to be safe and free and happy.

I am not a fearful person. I have been faced with death more times than I can count and am not afraid to die. I don't tell "fish stories" I don't make "mountains out of mole hills"
May 5 2009 I was shaken to my core. I have NEVER felt so much fear in my life. I told my ex that it was over. I had had it, I didn't love him any more and this time there was no begging, no crying. Nothing was going to "fix" us. Of course he cried, he begged. You know it over when you have no tears left. ALl I felt for him was pity and resentment . After hours of this I finally told him "Enough, I'm going to bed" I crawled into bed and then heard a noise I will never forget, ever. The sound of him loading his gun. Instant fear filled my body. All I could think of were my two sleeping babies in the next room. I had no idea what to do. I had to physically rip the gun out of his hands....my ex is a strong man. For the next 4 hours he had me trapped in our laundry room, threatening me. I had taken the gun and unloaded it and was holding it with white hands, my dog was now standing over me growling like I have never heard him growl. He could have ripped my ex to pieces ( he is a Pit) He was ransacking the house for the rest of the bullets and drinking a bottle of Jack. He knew that he could take that gun from me with out struggle ( I'm 100 lbs he is twice my size) but I had flushed the bullets so he was looking for more. He was on his second bottle of Jack by then. My thoughts were only of my children. So I did what I had to do to make sure that once he finished that bottle of Jack he would be calm. I told him I would stay, that I was wrong. I knew that if he finished bottle #2 of his Jack that he would not care what he did. Whiskey changes him. So I convinced him to take some sleeping pills....he was out cold in 2o mins. I sat and cried. I didn't know what else to do.
The next day he left for work I packed a bag, he came home before I could do anything. I had the bag in the back of my car ready to go to my brother's house. My ex didn't leave my side ALL day. I just kept telling him all was okay, we were fine. He left the next day and I left too. Me and the boys went to my brother's for a week. I got a call from the ER he was being checked into a mental clinic.
I have never had something shake me up so bad. I was so shaken that I did everything wrong. I should have had him arrested,but I didn't want my kids to see him being taken away in cuffs, I NEVER want my kids to find out about that night.
I told him that he couldn't come home again. I had a bag packed for him when he got out of the hospital. He went to stay at his mothers. His mother is alot like your ex's mother. My MIL flat out told me that if her son took his life I would be to blame. See my ex threaten more than once after that and I called her to see if she could help him. She told me his only problem was me, that if I would just let him come home he would be ok. She is full of crap.
I sometimes wish he would have just taken his life that night.....I don't mean, i know I don't. But he has since made my life miserable, I fear that he is going to snap again, this time I can't stop him. I just pray that my boys are no where near him when he does. I know I am not responsible for him and will take every step in protecting my kids. I have never ever seen such sheer anger as I did in his eyes that night. I am still fighting for him to get counseling, for my kids benefit.
So take every precaution you can. If he threatens again, have him taken away if cuffs, have him put into a 72 hour clinic. You are only responsible for your actions, not his. Be safe

Lisa

I have just got to say Im astounded. I cant imagine what you felt that night but you did what you had to do to keep your children safe. I hope and pray you stay safe.
I hope we all stay safe, its something to think about, that things we never think they will do become possible when they 'snap'. We need to remember that and do what we must.

Not nice to be reminded of but most domestic abuse deaths occur after the seperation. Here in the UK it averages at two women a week.

I am so glad my Daddy insisted us girls learn to use a gun before he would let us home alone. I do own a gun. I have it where only I can get to it, and it is never loaded. Only I know where the bullets are.
But as my Daddy told me " Point a gun at a man's junk and he doesn't care if it's loaded or not. His pause gives you time to get it loaded"
My ex has anger issues and I will not just sit back and be his victim.
A judge just told me in Aug. that I am "dragging up old issues" because I asked that he be forced to go to therapy. I was so mad, I flat out told her that she could be HIS character witness when I was dead.

Thank you all for your replies. And Lisa H, I especially appreciate what you shared. I admire your strength. I don't want to believe in my heart that my husband could do something like that, but I know in my head that it's a possibility. So is his committing suicide. But I have to use my head to get through this and not my heart.... I agree I have to stay prepared for anything and stop feeling responsible for his behavior.

I'm glad that my story helps. I never dreamed I would have to go through some of the things I have gone through.
You are strong too. You just might not see it yet. It's not weak to deal with what they put us through day in and day out. Weakness is giving up, surviving is strong.

yes, while you may think that you know your husband, there is always something lingering in the closet. i would ask that you be very careful, not to startle you but i just lost a dear friend to murder suicide her situation was very similar to yours.