Kat,
It sounds like you are in the thick of things right now. I too, have been in a place such as yours where I was dealing w/ a husband with mental illness and addictions. My eating and sleeping were severely effected and I was totally overwhelmed. I felt like the anxiety and feelings would make me blow into a million pieces. I just thought I couldn't take one more thing. I feel what helped me through this was the support of friends and family. If you have a support system like this, it really helps to have people who care by your side. I would also consider what is best for you and your children. If it is difficult to know what that is, talk it over w/ your support system. And again, as I have read so many times on this forum, do not give up, things will be better as time passes. I remember feeling so incredibly sad as my house went into foreclosure, we filed bankruptcy and had to move out of town. I pretty much knew at this time that the chances of my marriage surviving were pretty slim. Everything I had known and all my security was gone. The future was a frightening mystery. I thought, "Will I ever recover from this?" I am happy to tell you that yes, I have survived and continue to recover and getting stronger everyday. I hope you can find some comfort in my words. When it is happening, it feels like it will never end and it will never be better. It isn't so far away for me that can still remember how bad it felt. Try to take care of yourself the best you can.

Dear Diane, thank you for your reply. I am thankful for your support. I have a wonderful family and friends, I feel as hough I am burdening them with this constant sadness.. I have a house that needs a complete clean out, I need help with that,as well. My feelings of complete and udder loss are so strong that I am finding it difficult to do daily things, I want to escape this nightmare. I want to call him and leave him a message about how angry I am about what he has done, He will not return calls or pick up, and the tremendous anxiety I have is unbearable. I went on an antidepressant and I have valium. I just started yesterday. The antidepressant I have been on for a while, My doctor just increased. Thank you for being here for me, It is so good to have someone who is the same situation to help me. I hope to have you to talk to. Love Kat

Kat,
I am so sorry you are hurting. It is very overwhelming & I know point blank exactly how you feel. I am also in the process of cleaning out my house to include my husbands belongings. I feel sick physically & emotionally. At this point in your healing, I would suggest doing whatever it is that makes you feel better, even if it's only for a moment. For me, I know that I feel far worse when I just lay around in bed crying. At the end of the day, I feel that I perpetuated my misery by wasting the day on thoughts of what should have or could have been. It has also been difficult for me not contacting my stbx. I talk myself out of it every time I get the urge & am proud of myself for doing so. I feel like, & it may be the same for you, that if I blasted my husband, he in turn would probably respond by saying or thinking "glad I got away from her!" etc. & it would make me feel worse. Even though I feel like I am falling apart, by not contacting him I want my husband to think I am strong, independent & my actions are a stance of F**k you! I won't tolerate what you did! Many women on this site have mentioned that the best revenge & guilt provoking reaction you can obtain from your husband is to refrain from thinking about what he is doing, move on, keep your head up & live a happy, fulfilling life. I would like to think my husband misses me, regrets what he did & feels bad. The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter what he is doing, thinking & who he is doing it with. Entertaining any thoughts about him isn't healthy & makes me feel bad. In the same respect if you feel that downloading on your husband would make you feel better then do it. When you are in the recovery mode the best thing you can do for yourself is to do whatever it is that makes you feel better & refrain from everything that makes you feel bad. I wish we all lived near each other & could meet regularly. I would love that. Know you are in our hearts & prayers. We will get through this~xoxo~

Dear Sue, Thank you for being here for me. I wish we did live close to each other. I am sick everytime I see his handwriting on all paperwork here, I have his clothes,books,everything, I am stagnating rather than being productive, I need a friend to help me get rid of all of his stuff. He is at his mothers and she is not a good person at all, so therefore,no help from her.I am going to take a bath and just relax for today. I have been doing alot of that lately. My sons are out with their friends and I am home alone. I am tired of dealing with this and you are right, who cares where or who he is with..I need to move on today..I went on an online dating site o find a friend to talk to, but they are mostly all jerks...I will be happy by myself and take care of my son. I desperatly need a job, have been at home for last 10 years, it is horrendous trying to find work right now.. I need to go back to church too. Thank you for being here for me, your words made me feel better, I now do not feel so terribly alone. I hope to talk to you more. Thank you for helping me. Love,Kat

Kat,
I am glad you are doing something for yourself that is nurturing. I actually cleared out my husbands closet & put all of his belongings in one room & shut the door so I don't have to look at them. I can appreciate the anger & quite frankly feel better when I am angry at my husband verses being sad & missing him. The other day in my car I just kind of let out a slew off derogatory, swearing & insulting comments to myself aimed at my husband. At 43 my Mother would have sent me to my rm. if she even heard one of the words I spoke. It helped in the moment! My husband is presently out of the Country. Our divorce may even be settled by his attorney vouching for him. I do know that my closure will come when all the papers are signed, then I will let him know that I know every vivid detail of the cheating and lying that was taking place as I was trying to sincerely repair our marriage. I also have a temptation to get involved in another relationship. I think it is valuable to be alone for some time. I think sometimes women get involved with men as a means of compensating for many insecurities. I want to feel strong, independent, happy & fulfilled without a partner. Then perhaps I will be more apt to pay attention to red flags & not allow myself to be treated disrespectfully. I know it is hard to get your husband out of your head as I struggle to. I do think that probably both our husbands are destined to repeat the same behaviors. I go through an absolute wave of different emotions every day. I am so tired of it. I guess it is just where we both are in the process. Be kind to yourself. The important thing is that we both are kind, deserving women that took the high road & right now are doing the best we can.

Dear Sue, I ended up not taking a bath, but visiting with my son in the back yard. I cried and told him how I have been feeling and he hugged me, and consoled me, telling me everything is going to be alright. He is 18 and is my son from my first marriage. My husband has treated him badly and I was always standing up for my son, I really love him,my boy, I am relieved that the mental,emotional and verbal abuse has stopped,I should be dancing that he is gone, but I am crying. I feel abandoned, even though, we are much better off without him. I think we got so used to the abuse,which I know, is horrible, that we are shell shocked that he is actually gone.I feel like a failure and a fool. I gave up my career to take care of my family and became 100 percent dependant on him for all financials. I had free reign and now I have nothing.I feel like the biggest loser in the world, I know he has depleted all of my self confidence, and I need to take my power back, but I am in such a terrible state right now I feel paralyzed.I am not the victim here, I am the survivor, and I know I have to survive for my sons. He was constantly fighting with my older son, to get out of house, as my son had a learning disability in school and is working on his ged and does not have a job.What a monster. He also snuck away, when no one was home like a rat.. He is a rat.You are right Sue,we are kind,loving deserving women who are taking the high road, I feel SO Much better talking to you!! I know what you mean about the swearing in the car, I have done it when no one was home but me.Closure will come for me,when I receive or send papers,modify my mortage or move, Id rather move, to start fresh, find a great job, and wake up happy and not scared or filled with worry. The wave of emotions daily is unbelievable, It is like a roller coaster ride backwards in the dark without a safety belt! I know they will both repeat this behavior, and I agree with you, I need to get myself in a really good place , a healthy place before consideration of someone else.You are wonderful,and Thank you. Love Kat,lets help each other get through this. I am here for you also. K

Oh Kat, I feel such sympathy for you. You are not alone. It sounds like you are in deep pain and despair. Each one of us have our own story, but the thing we all have in common is that we understand this particular brand of pain, and we care about one another. I know you don't know what to do right now, or where to turn. I have also dealt with the loss of a home when we separated and it is a very emotional and difficult thing to deal with. Having survived it I can tell you what I wish I had known -- you will land somewhere and be ok, and whatever you need to do will unfold in pieces -- try not to worry about what you will do until you need to do it. My other advice would be that you don't do anything that you don't have to, until your head is clear. Let the days take care of themselves, and just try your best to start practicing self care. Try to eat -- things like soup and toast are good for times when you don't feel well, whether it's the flu or a broken heart. Do what you can to get some sleep. Warm baths, herbal tea and soothing music can help relax you, even if you think it's no use to try. I know -- I've just started sleeping again after weeks of sleeplessness. I can't say that it gets easier each day, more like one step up, two steps back for awhile. I'm still struggling but I am constantly seeing things more and more clearly. From the little you've expressed about your husband, it sounds like life with him was less than peaceful. I believe in time you will eventually have peace in your life. You and your children deserve that. You are in my thoughts, and remember: day by day.

Much love,

Lori

Hi Lori, thank you for your compassion and understanding.. I felt better after reading your reply..It really helps to talk to other women that are going through the same thing as I am, or have survived and come out on the other side OK. I am going to a counselor and I am talking to my wonderful family daily. I feel an incredible sense of loss and tremendous anxiety not being able to contact him. I do not want to call his family or friends because of embarassment...I want him to talk to our son. Maybe it would be better if he didn't..I just do not know.. I have a horrendous mess in our home to clean out and I am beginning to work on daily.My younger son and I are going to stay with my Mom and my older son is searching for a place to stay with his two dogs.. I want to tell him how angry I am that he left us like this and I want him to help get us out of this situation. I feel helpless and I do not want to feel helpless, I always was able to think things out clearly and figure out the solution, I feel stifled and frustrated. I will try to eat, and I will try to sleep, I feel so upset. thank you Lori for your Love,I would Love to keep communicating with you, I really appreciate your kindness. Love, Kat

Hello Kat,

I'm glad that my words have given you some comfort, I have gotten much of that from the wonderful women on this forum. The situation you are experiencing is like being attacked, and the strength you have to even endure it is admirable. I'm sure you don't feel strong, but just because you're hurting doesn't mean you aren't strong. There is no reason, no explanation for what your husband has done. No justification for the pain he has caused. I think this is the most difficult part of the process -- wanting to understand or to make him understand. It was for me. That won't happen, I don't think. In time you will worry less and less about why and start to look forward to what you choose to do next. Just a couple weeks ago, I couldn't imagine how I could possibly go on. I was holding on to the love that I have for my stbx, though he has moved on to other women. I kept trying to understand how he could possibly do that. Now I realize that the only peace I will have in this matter is to stop trying to understand. I can only understand me (sometimes!:0)) and control my own actions. Now I am in the beginning of the rebuilding phase, the true letting go, and it is difficult in that I am slowly accepting the truth of my situation. I am seeing that his choices and actions were not a reflection of me, but only of himself. His choices do not define me or make me less, and I am growing tired of shouldering the burden of his actions. You aren't there yet of course, you will be though. I can finally see a little light shining through. And it is getting brighter every day.... I will be thinking of you and checking in here. You can e-mail me too if you want:lorinda.harvey@comcast.net

Hello Lori, you are right on target,I do feel as though I am being attacked,because I am.I am glad you are seeing some light, You are realizing you did not cause his actions or make his choices. I know that,nor did I. Your words are soothing to me. You are saying thoughts that I have not been able to think, because of where I am right now. I reread what your thoughts are and I agree.No justification for what he has done, and myself wanting so desperately to talk to him. Now I do not. I have used tremendous self control not to call or text him. I am so grateful to have you here to listen and talk to! I will email you. Also going through these stages of emotion is really difficult when you are alone, I no longer am alone, thanks to you and the other wonderful women here. I have not thought of myself as having strength in quite some time, Thank you for that.You are great. Love,Kat

Kat & Lori
~Lori, thanks for sharing that lovely quote. It really does reflect that we are all responsible for our own happiness. Happiness truly is a choice.

~Kat
Nature's message was always there and for us to see...It was written on the wings of butterflies.

This quote reminds me of the immeasurable beauty in the every day. A butterflies wings are so intricate & beautiful. If one is so focused on their own misery & sadness, you may miss the butterfly & it's inherent beauty. Sometimes when I am feeling sad, I will sit out in the yard & often see a butterfly or a cardinal. I listen to the crickets & watch my dogs playing. These are the simple things that often ground me. As the quote goes- choose to get up in the AM & be happy. Smile, take comfort in the little things such as the butterflies or the kind & polite cashier at the store. Take kindness wherever you can & also give it in return. Eventually you will wake up & realize that you are happy & grateful for the change in your life. Also as the quote goes- in retrospect our husbands didn't make us miserable, we made ourselves miserable by accepting far less then we both deserve. Much love & comfort to you.

Sue, I could tell you I was a carbon copy of what you are going through. That was until I found this site. The women here are the most support and love I could have found anywhere. I do have great friends and family, but I also feel like you do that I don't want to scare them away or burden them with my sorrow. They tell me they are my friends and that will never happen, this is comforting to know. I truly believe that by not taking this personally, this is his crap! You did nothing to deserve this, and the total injustice of what they did to us is overwhelming. Its as if they got up one day and decided to destroy you in one foul swoop! I felt like a hostage that had been taken and put in a dark room also. I have now dropped that feeling as I remind myself, this is his crap, not mine. I speak the truth, my words are impeccable. I don't lie about how I feel or deny myself being upset. I sometimes come home and scream, and scream again in the shower, usually the *****s name who took what wasn't hers, that was MY HUSBAND, and she has and still has her own. We will get through this, my husband has now been gone 5 mths this Sunday, and it all seems like such a waste. There is no positives in any of this, only heartache for all concerned, except him. Remember, be confident that you did nothing wrong, its his crap. We are all here for you.

Thanks Jo,
your kind words & the support from the women on this site are comforting. As someone posted recently, we are all in the same boat at different stages of grief. Many of the same themes all seem to be common. I also experienced a great deal of loneliness for the past couple years while married. I certainly understand now why my husband seemed so emotionally detached(infidelity!). I only wish that he had left years ago rather then live a marriage based on such moral bankruptcy! It is so hard for me to fathom why? I feel like my marriage of 13 years was one big lie. My husband actually said to me before he left "I basically told you everything you wanted to hear our entire marriage!" It is all so hurtful. I really want to be able to let go of any thoughts about my husband. I am not the one that is going to have to deal with the emotional burden of immoral behavior. Perhaps my husband won't either & if that is the case I thank GOD that he is no longer part of my life. It has only been 9 months & I am not officially divorced yet so I suppose I should give myself a break. I just feel like every day or even moment I spend thinking about my husband is a moment that I have taken from myself. I just feel emotionally sick! I do pray for all of you.