Thanks Ladies for all your replies.

I too am with someone who loves me and treats me well, it kind of infuriates me that my head is full of the man who treated me so badly. Mornings are certainly the worst.
It does help knowing Im not alone and that yes this also seems to be a 'normal' part of it. At one point I was thinking that if I couldnt get him out of my head then maybe I had made a mistake and should just go back. The only thing that stopped me was logic and common sense! I also remember 'keeping the peace', reading his mood and doing everything possible to avoid his negativity coming out and making the home miserable. I also remember being very alone and thinking to myself 'I dont love him anymore'.
I found a journal I wrote several years before leaving, I was really unhappy and he treated me badly even then.
So why he floods my head now I dont know. Guess we are all grieving the attachment we had, even if it was a negative attachment.

I saw him last week, we yelled for ten minutes and that was it, silence, the first ive really had, I have to say I was doing much better. Checked tonight and theres an email from him. Nice email, saying he will fill holiday form and try put money in this week etc. Even said he had received letter from child support agancy and will fill that in and return it. For the first time, I havent responded. I havent responded because I came and checked out what you ladies said about them filling our thoughts, I figured if you were having the same problem then it is normal. Therfore what Im feeling isnt insurmountable nor does it suggest I have made a mistake (phew).
I want to be happy, I just want the pain to go away. I can make the pain go by going back but I wont be happy. I can build a new life with my partner and be happy but I need to just let the pain dissolve.
I think thats it, I think thats how this thing is going to work out.
Very frustrating that I spend so much energy on an absolute sod who doesnt deserve 5 minutes.

Lisa Im also sorry for your loss. Hopefully you will reach a point when you can celebrate the time you had together without the pain of loss. I often think about how I would feel if I passed away, would I want my family and friends to be sad or would I rather them celebrate our time spent together. Thinking from their perspective tends to help me. Its like the other things we endure, a process. Man we are learning so much about life, not always through choice but wont we make wise grandparents! lols.

I can also relate. My brain can be very cruel to me. In fact, if he is out of my thoughts, my inner voice will point out the fact that I am not thinking of him! Ugh!! This morning I woke up and my first thoughts were about what I was doing today. Then I 'remembered' him. He still lives in my house! He's at the bars, usually when I wake up I look out the window to see if he ever came back. I used to feel such a sense of relief when I saw he was back, now I feel d@mn HOW does he keep surviving?? I have had countless conversations with him in my head, and have actually replayed them to him in real life, I can be pretty caustic when I want to be. He came home tonight while I was picking up my son. He sleeps in my basement and I needed to carry on with the laundry. So I did. No stomping on the stairs or slamming doors to give his drunken head a pain. No coughing 'loser' as I passed by and DEFINITELY no tirade!! I have done this before and congratulated myself on my self-control later. But you know what, it wasn't self control. I just didn't want to. I had no desire to speak to him, to upset him. Usually he hears me and covers his head with his blanky. He didn't, so I saw his sleeping face. I didn't feel anger or bitterness or pity or love. I just though, wow, he is one ugly dude I am getting to the place of indifference. There is a fine line between love and hate. I am moving far away from love so I am not close to hate anymore. I also get on that emotional roller coaster but I can easily remind myself of what kind of person he really is (my marriage has been horrible from day 1, 20 years of crap). When I find myself trapped in that circle of why's and how's, that noisy head chatter that tries to figure it all out, I tell myself STOP. It doesn't matter. Can't go back in time and undo the past. All I can do is focus on the moment and try to make better choices so the future me can look back on these days and feel wow, I was so strong and made some tough but good choices to set me up with a better life. I really feel I have made a break through this weekend and when I feel myself losing it I'll come back to these thoughts and leave thoughts of him by the wayside.