I can also relate. My brain can be very cruel to me. In fact, if he is out of my thoughts, my inner voice will point out the fact that I am not thinking of him! Ugh!! This morning I woke up and my first thoughts were about what I was doing today. Then I 'remembered' him. He still lives in my house! He's at the bars, usually when I wake up I look out the window to see if he ever came back. I used to feel such a sense of relief when I saw he was back, now I feel d@mn HOW does he keep surviving?? I have had countless conversations with him in my head, and have actually replayed them to him in real life, I can be pretty caustic when I want to be. He came home tonight while I was picking up my son. He sleeps in my basement and I needed to carry on with the laundry. So I did. No stomping on the stairs or slamming doors to give his drunken head a pain. No coughing 'loser' as I passed by and DEFINITELY no tirade!! I have done this before and congratulated myself on my self-control later. But you know what, it wasn't self control. I just didn't want to. I had no desire to speak to him, to upset him. Usually he hears me and covers his head with his blanky. He didn't, so I saw his sleeping face. I didn't feel anger or bitterness or pity or love. I just though, wow, he is one ugly dude I am getting to the place of indifference. There is a fine line between love and hate. I am moving far away from love so I am not close to hate anymore. I also get on that emotional roller coaster but I can easily remind myself of what kind of person he really is (my marriage has been horrible from day 1, 20 years of crap). When I find myself trapped in that circle of why's and how's, that noisy head chatter that tries to figure it all out, I tell myself STOP. It doesn't matter. Can't go back in time and undo the past. All I can do is focus on the moment and try to make better choices so the future me can look back on these days and feel wow, I was so strong and made some tough but good choices to set me up with a better life. I really feel I have made a break through this weekend and when I feel myself losing it I'll come back to these thoughts and leave thoughts of him by the wayside.