I am 57 years old, 4 grown children, 1 granddaughter. I was married for 33 years and we dated all through highshool.

There was physical abuse from my x, neglect to my needs. He had many affairs through out marriage. But always came back to me.

He was seeing someone on and off for almost 10 years. I did not find this out until about 3 years ago. He was a executive with a large company and traveled alot and was exposed to all kinds of social events that I would go on occasionaly.

When we divorced about 2 years later we decided to make a go at it. I told him that this other person could not be in the picture at all he agreed and I do believe he stayed true to his word. It just did not work out we have tryed so many times to make it work it came to the point where enough was enough.

I found out that he is now back with this other person, he stays at her house on occasion, ignores his responsibility to our special needs son, instead of taking him so I have a break he tells me has plans, no guilt on his part. He is now on vacation and has taken her.

Why the hell is bothering me so much, if he walked back in tomorrow I wouldnt want him so why do I hurt so much?

Any advise?

It bothers you because it is unfair how these cheating men get what they want and do what they want. But remember this....they get it all and do it all because they "CHEAT"...they cheat life, they cheat family, they cheat values, they cheat themselves, they cheat and move ahead because that is what cheating allows you to do in any game.

However, it is a fact, that in time cheating will catch up with you in one way or another. Cheating involves...lying, stealing, hiding, hurting, having no conscience...etc. There is a verse in the Bible that says...There is nothing hidden that will not come to light in time...

Taking the high road is not always, if ever, the easy way. But it is the best way. We don't always see this because these men, who we have trusted, have hurt us in ways they will never see because of their own selfishness and desires. As time goes on you will be able to let go of this hurt when you heal and see how pathetic these men and their girlfriends really are.

I look at my ex and his girlfriend now and, in a way, feel sorry for them at times...they may go places, do things and have more material things than I ever will but look deeper than they will ever be able to....

Would you like to have to build a relationship with someone who you know can cheat and lie?...They will. I don't ever want to have to look over my shoulder again or worry about where he is or who he is with. Remember...they once married us because they loved us as much as they claim to love these new women.

We can look at ourselves in the mirror every morning and know we have tried, we have loved, we have held on to our values and know there is a heart that beats in truth within and a conscience that keeps us on our path. Sure, they may not have a conscience and this may help them travel their own path as well...but theirs is a path that I wouldn't want to follow no matter what they can steal along the way.

When you really see and feel this...You will be able to let go of looking back and wanted what you felt was yours (that was stolen and given to another). You will realize the grass that was greener grows under your own feet because you water it with honesty and true love. Hang in there, time will help and heal you.

Susan

Wow Susan.

Yes I agree with Susan that a part of us finds it very unfair that they seemingly 'get on with it' no conscience or sense of loss.
Its a slap in the face when we have endured so much.

I think they do much better at pretending and yes they can be so very very shallow, thats a bitter pill to swallow.

If we look happy and seem to be doing well, it will have the same effect on them but while we are down it proves their point for them in their minds, 'we couldnt survive without them and will never be happy without them'. Therefore the best we can do to get even, is to let it go and truly move on and find our own happiness. In doing so, what they think wont matter to us anymore. Its a win win in the end but we have to get to that place when we stop looking at them and look to ourselves.

They made our lives miserable while we were with them why should we let them make our lives miserable without them?
The fundamental difference bolis down to conscience, it appears to be a female trait and it bothers us greatly that the male has so very little, if any.
When we find our own joy we wont notice or care what they do, then their power will be totally gone and we will be free.
You may even develop a sense of pity for the girlfriend, because sure as Bob she's putting up with all the stuff you did, unless he had a labotomy at some point?

Our conscience in tact, we will be ok.

Ahhh, sounds like a bit of resentment getting to you? I am SO familiar with this feeling! I have been married almost 20 years, been terrible 99% of the time. He will NOT leave, I cannot afford to. (Besides, he's the one being an a$$h0le, why should I give up my home and uproot my kids???) So for me...why does he get to go to sleep when he is tired, while I fight my tiredness because I have so much to do? Why do I scrimp and save and make meals that will have leftovers I can disguise while he goes out to eat every night? Why do I deny myself special treats while he buys round after round of drinks for himself and who knows who else? Why does he get to say he has 2 kids without doing ANY of the parenting?? Why does he get to have friends while I have been socially isolated because I have have been so busy with house/kids/school/work, not to mention my life-long companion depression? WHY? When he is so...so...well, you know. So here is my new trick. I have realized that my imagination is my worst enemy. When I imagine him happy while I suffer, I make myself imagine him miserable. I do something nice for myself. I'll treat myself. I'll do something fun with the kids and be thankful that I have them and that they trust me to always love them and always be there for them. I think how lucky I am to have the ability to think, to love, to feel. And then I think he must resent me. Because I have so much more than him, more than material things, I have a sense of what is right and wrong, what REALLY matters in life. People in my life trust me and know they can count on me because they know I will not lie or intentionally hurt anyone. He doesn't have the respect from a bug. he has nothing. he is an empty shell of a human being, desperately seeking outside things to fill him up. And then, resentment gets displaced by gratitude and humility. So try it. When you think of him with this other woman, think of how shallow their relationship is. When you think of him on vacation, remember how important you are and make "mini-vacations" for yourself, even if its curling up with a book and a glass of wine for an hour. And when you think of how he doesn't help with your special needs son, think of how lucky you are to have a sense of decency and motherhood to always be there for him. Imagine how when your son sees you, he feels safe and secure. And think of your other kids and your grand baby girl, how lucky you all are to have each other! Even though your children are grown, you can keep teaching them love. You have 'served your time' with an abusive man. Time to appreciate all that you are, something he wasn't able to do. When you start seeing things for what they REALLY are, resentment will go out the window. He just won't matter anymore.