Thank you for your reply. It is helpful to know that my ups and downs are not uncommon. Through individual counseling and personal reflection, I've determined that three things have been holding me back...my kids...my faith...and the fact that my husband is trying. I've done so much processing, but I keep coming back to....do I want to grow old with this man? My answer is always no. Do I ever see myself ever being intimate with him again....answer..no. I have gone through emotional abuse...particularly regarding sex. Early on, my husband told me it was my "job" to put out, would give me the silent treatment if we went one day without sex....even would make "to do" lists for fantasies that he had for his bedroom pleasure. It was a lot of pressure. To make matters worse, I had cancer 6 years ago, which he was AWAL for. He thought it best to play golf while I went through treatment (and taking care of a two year old to boot). Although I am no longer mad at him, I still do not love or respect him. For so many years, I felt as though I was being raped...forced by mental manipulation and control. My husband now (so he says) sees the error of his ways, but I have been unable to let my guard down. I get panicy...very anxious when I do so.

You are right....being "checked out" does not mean it's easy to walk away.

Thanks for your words.

well, if you really think about it, the only thing holding you back...is you. I am saying this from personal experience. I have known all of my marriage that this was wrong, but I have looked for excuses, reasons to stay. I am still with him in a legal sense but no other. But that is because he won't leave and I am not willing to go and take my kids out of their home because of him. Every time I have mentioned divorce he has been uncooperative. So now my feelings are 100% off towards him, I can live while he stays in my basement now and then. The less contact with me the better. If he is going to fight me on divorce, I won't file. Eventually he will file and I'll have the upper hand. If not, I wait until my youngest is 18 then file. All these years, I have held myself back and blamed outside circumstances for it. Truth is you have LOTS more power and control than you think. This power and control comes in a different form than what most think of. It's not "I want what I want and I'll get what I want" kind of thing, but "I can and will live MY life the way I know is right despite what is going on around me". You do what you need to do, I am not one to preach leaving (I've been in this horrible marriage almost 20 years) and I am not one to preach staying (if I had a magic wand to make him go away and not have to deal with all of the legal issues me my kids would be in the middle of, he'd be gone). All I can say is you can have your life with or without him. Stand up for your spiritual self AND your physical self. You are right to keep your guard up around him. Mine has manipulated me over the years and as soon as I let it down he jabs me again. In my experience, their 'trying' is just a way to hold us hostage. To keep us doubting ourselves, questioning whether or not we are overreacting, questioning our own sanity (when it is THEIR sanity we should question!!) No more. Be strong. Divorce or not, your life is your own.

Sweetie if I would have read all the post before I replied my simple answer would have been to RUN! What an A$$hole.
Men think that as their wife we have to "please" them in any way they want....screw that! My ex acted like a baby if we didn't have sex. well who wants to have sex with a man who smells like he drank the whole vat? NOT Me.
Sorry to hear you had to deal with the monster that cancer is. Hold you head up honey if you can beat that you can handle divorce.

Jean,

I think it all depends on what your situation is....sometimes we are not sure if to go back because we may feel insecure of our decisio and we wonder if its the right thing to do, we are not sure if in the end we are going to regret it ect... but many of us do feel like that. Again, it all depends on the reason why you got to this point.

Hi there!

I just replied to Abby's reply. I gave her some added information as to why I'm in this situation. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts. I guess I will have doubt regardless which route I take. I also think it's part of a controlling relationship....he's always made me doubt myself. That's what I'm trying so hard to break free from.

Thanks again.

My "switch" went off about 5 years ago. I begged my ex to change, of course he didn't. He was to stupid to take "I'm done, I'm leaving" as a hint that I was unhappy.
Honestly I don't think he would have got it if I hit him in the groin with it.
I just quit loving him after that. I stayed for 5 miserable years because I wanted the idea of a marriage. My kids needed a father, one of these days he is going to change, every excuse ran through my mind but to be truthful I was scared of what my future would hold if I left.
I finally faced my fear in May 09 and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I was miserable for the month, after that I realized that I didn't HAVE to be miserable, I was free. I was able to love,laugh and truly enjoy my life. He was not going to crush my spirit. It has been messy. It has been hard. It has been mind wrenchingly difficult. but I no longer have to "raise a husband" I am FREE.
If your switch turned off it over. Funny how when you take the step to file they decide its time to work it out, little do that know when you actually get the balls to file its already over. It all boils down to the fact that they are scared too. Suddenly their boat is being rocked. I not only rocked my ex's boat, I sank the darn thing. He is the one who is miserable now he can have his misery back, I do not want it anymore.

I too have been married 20 yrs, We have had seperate beds for 3 yrs....He hates that I'm fat. He confessed to an affair, and I told him to leave......YET he is all PO at me , I don't understand

There are so many things that I don't understand about men(at least my husband)......What I have learned to understand that they are egocentric creatures that have a hard time of thinking about others. Have you filed for divorce? Do you have children? Would you be finacially able to move out yourself? As for me, I am not attached to my house, but would want the kids to stay in their home...although, I almost think sometimes that it would almost be better for them to live in a different house, than to witness the ongoing disfunctional relationship of their parents. If he won't move...maybe you should.

Good luck....It's already been a year being in separate bedrooms and cannot imagine going another two. It can't be easy.

I, too have reached that point of no return. When you are done you are done. I understand the roller coaster though. I was married for 18 years and felt it should be through thick and thin and forever. I gave my husband one chance to stop seeing the woman, stop drinking and work on the marriage. He basically said no, he would give up the gf but not stop drinking, not go to counselor, and I would have to become "june cleaver"(meaning stay home, dont work, dont go to school, put my apron on and have dinner and his slippers ready for when he decides to come home). That was it for me. However, if he had said he would do those things and honestly support me in what i wanted to do, I would have given him that chance hands down. Even if he did promise that, i dont know if he would have actually done it, but I would have given him that chance for the sake of the marriage and the kids. I guess I will never know if that feeling of being at the point of no return would have gone away if he had made that promise and kept with it. I couldn't just magically pretend that we were in love again, that would take a lot of time if ever, and if you dont show that to a man, they give up. Its ironic how they can ignore us for years and think everything is fine no matter what we say, but when we find other things (not affairs) to keep us occupied, or dont show the lovin right away to them they cry like babies and run to someone else. I miss married life, being around friends and family is strange now, especially since most everyone is married, however, finally getting my own place feels good. Actually, nothing much has changed in my daily life except cleaning up after him, hearing him complain about how i didnt cook or clean something the way he wanted, his drunkeness, his sleepwalking, his moans and groans and especially the clean toilet I did everything for years by myself anyway. My goal now is to get a good job so i dont have to rely on support and get him to actually spend time with our kids.

Summer can I say one thing? Don't waste your time on getting him to spend time with the kids.
LEts see if your family duties were the same as mine:
Hubby= lazy. Wanted everything handed to him without having to work for it.
Wife= did everything for him because for some idiotic reason (that I am still trying to figure out) wanted our marriage to be perfect and thought that I had to be the one to do it.
Father= dealt with the kids when he was FORCED to by wife or when it made him look good in front of family and friends. Has never felt the pain of sleepness
Mother=did everything for children. Fifty runs to the kitchen for drinks during a 2 hour long movie and then fifty runs to the potty because the child doesn't want to pee alone, endless night awake while she prays that her baby's fever will break, waking up in the middle of the night when her baby sleeps for the first full night because she fears something is wrong. Crys as he baby gets on that big yellow bus for the first time thinking "He is so little how can I make him go?"
The list of jobs or feelings that go with being a mother goes on and on and on. One of our most important jobs as their mother is making sure they live a healthy, safe and happy life. We often put aside our own needs to make sure they have everything.
Then one day the wife gets tired of the husband crap and leaves.Or husband leaves wife. That is when our job as Mother hurts the most. We watch as our children suffer, and often we blame ourselves which is the hardest thing to know that you have caused them hurt. But because we are strong we take life as it comes and do our best to let our children know we care.
Don't play the role of Mother and Father, it will only exhaust you more. Let him do his own thing as hard as that is. Let them know YOU love them. Make him take responsibility of showing the kids he loves them on his own If he falls on his face let him lay. Be the mother your kids need. They will thank you for it someday.

Lisa
Yeah that about sums it up although his family would say he is not lazy cause he worked so much..he worked a lot of hours, some of it heavy labor but most of it not. Long hours is tough on anyone. i stayed with him cause i felt (as his mother always reminded me) he worked so much just for us. He did it for himself, the pride he felt in making money and "providing" for his family, when the truth was, he did nothing more than provide for us and that was only the last 10 years. The thing is, I felt that i shouldnt complain because I didnt have to work, I got used to being ignored and directed my life towards the kids. He would come home, eat, drink and pass out, which was fine by me. It wasn't until the kids got older and I wanted to do something more for myself (go back to school) that things went really bad. He drank harder and was miserable, all of a sudden I wasnt paying attention to him and he couldnt have that. Now he never had to take care of the kids while I was in school, doing homework, or when I worked. I had to find babysitters and work everything around the kids schedules myself. I still cooked, cleaned etc but maybe the laundry wasnt finished or i didnt get to dust one day. I think his problem was that he felt if i went back to school and got a better job I wouldn't need him. He didnt want to lose his control over me. It is ironic that his gf is a well educated career gal with no kids, pretty much the opposite of me in many ways, and who he didnt want me to be. Oh well, he is her problem now. Well educated doesnt mean she is smart about men. Anyway, regarding his relationship with the kids: i would like it to be better, I would like my children to want to go see their dad, instead of calling me a hundred times to come get them. I dont want them to feel like their dad doesn't love them. I dont do anything to make them believe that, he does it all himself. I need the break too, I won't lie about that. I need time for myself too. I only ask him to take them every other weekend. i take care of them everyday of the week and every other weekend, so I dont think that is asking much. He has only had them for like two or three weekends so far and he has already had problems with it, but maybe he will see the light soon. I used to be so upset when I would take my kids to school functions etc and see his mothers friend snub her nose at me, i would think, "i dont understand, he left me and the kids and I am the bad guy?" I got over it, the fact is, she saw ME with the kids and at every one of their school functions, NOT HIM, if she is too stupid or blind to see that, than she isnt worth the dirt on my broken shoes. LOL
I at least moved out of that town, so that is a start. If things do not go well for me here and he doesnt do his part to see his kids I will move where it is cheaper for me to live and the weather is warmer LOL
Im giving it a year, if he screws up, its his own doing. Im not doing it for him, I am doing it for the kids, I stayed here for them to have a relationship with their dad, I could have been selfish and moved 1000 miles away where it would be cheaper and warmer . Believe me, I may not bad mouth about him to or in front of the kids, if years down the road they want nothing to do with him, it will be his own fault. But I am also not giving excuses for him either. The kids will know that I didnt try to keep them away or turn them against him and they will know who was by their side.
By the way, thank you for letting me vent, I dont like to vent to my friends and family anymore, and being able to do it here helps, knowing that i am not alone in all this.

Vent on Girl!! I know how you feel. I have great friends, but they have their own drama and I don't want to burden them. I love my Mother to death and she listens to me when I need her to but she just doesn't understand. She tries but it is so above her that she can't. My Daddy walks on water Okay so I'm not stupid he has his faults...can't think of any off hand
I hear ya about needing time alone. The only thing good about the divorce, he is forced to take his kids every other weekend. He is not allowed to drink when he has them either so I win! My kids would call wanting to come home too but I just told them they had to stay. Sounds mean but let him deal with the not so good part of parenting. If I would have gone to get them, I would just be giving HIM an easy out. I did that for 9 years since the birth of our son. Don't get me wrong he found a stupid gf to take care of them for him. But at least he HAS to hear them cry.
I had to laugh when I read about school functions. My ex NEVER attended anything at school, not even kindergarden graduation ( a big deal here, they wear little caps and gowns..soooo cute ) Well during the whole custody battle and the "I can change" stage my ex actually came to ONE Christmas play..for a minute I thought I had to much egg nog. That was the first and the last thing he went to.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks, your best bet is to start fresh with a puppy

Thanks Lisa.. I feel the same way. His gf was there one weekend when the kids were with him, he got drunk and passed out and she was up with them. She hasnt been back when the kids were there yet, but who knows. My 10 year old put her on the phone with me said she wanted to be my friend. I can hear her in the background saying she prob hates my guts. I told my daughter i dont hate the gf, i dont hate, but i did not want to talk to her. Well, as kids do, she put her on the phone anyway. The gf (who was also the OW that chased my husband knowing he was married with three girls) said its been like two years and i always thought we should talk, but i was scared to, your girls are beautiful..blah blah.. I said thank you but to tell you the truth, i dont want to talk to you, i want to relax and watch a movie and enjoy the peace, its the first time i have had a break from the girls and basically hung up. Sorry honey, the fun is over well at least every other weekend it is. I dont think she will come be his babysitter again. Maybe she can see now what I went through. None of this bothers me, I have let things go. Only issues i have now is child support. And boy I can go and on about that. I am just waiting for support services to do their job and get him to pay so I can take care of my kids.