Thank you everyone. I know that I take the blame for a lot of things. I feel like there are a lot of things that I could of/should of/would of, but it doesn't matter. I can't help but feel de-valued in all of this. I want to get stronger and to realize that the things that I am feeling are 'wrong thinking'. But right now I do feel weak, I feel helpless like I am being swept along in a current and have little to no control. I have forgiven them and have let go of the anger and rage I felt, but the pain is still there, I can forgive them but I can't forgive myself.

Cynn,

Look at it this way...you are the one that is beating yourself up over this because you care why this happened. You are the one that loved your husband enough to work on forgiving him, you are the one who cares enough to let this bother your thoughts throughout the day, you are the one who stayed strong in the marriage, the one who is trying to pick up the pieces so you can move ahead now...

Now look at it this way...he is the one who ran from a marriage and a commitment. He is the one who jumped right in bed with someone else, He is the one who did not care enough to make it work or respect you enough to have any compassion...yet you are still forgiving him. To be honest....he couldn't care any less about your forgiveness because in his eyes he did nothing wrong.....

Now...who is the one that deserves to be loved, who is the one that others would choose as a true friend, who is the one who deserves to move on and be happy again?....IT'S YOU....Keep reading these two comparisons over again....You did not ask for this, but you took it and forgave, you did not deserve to be treated this way, but it happened and you did not walk away from 23 years of devotion....So knock that devil off your shoulder that is telling you otherwise and realize you are right...you can't forgive yourself and this is true because YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FORGIVE...no one is perfect...but to be treated cruelly by your husband because of his own selfish needs has totally and absolutely nothing to do with you and EVERYTING TO DO WITH HIM. If I could give you a hug right now and tell you that you are special just the way you are I would. These foolish men are so blind...they may never see what they gave up and sold their souls for. Let the dead bury the dead...men like these destroy their own souls to get what they want in life....you have better things to do with your life.

Susan

Perfectly said, Susan. Cynn, I truly hope you read that post over and over. Try to look at your situation from an outsider's point of view. What if it were a dear friend in your position? Would you tell her what you tell yourself? It is a blessing and a curse to care so much. So we have to take the blessing side and put our care and love on those who deserve it and just understand that there are those who just can't accept it. That is their issue. We played a role in their lives. We showed them what real love is. It was too much for them so they went away. Now we go on, still with the ability to love and be loved. They go on with an experience. Maybe they will get it, maybe not. But it is still a lesson and they take it with them. Just because you have played the role of teacher doesn't mean you also won't play the role of student and also doesn't mean you can't be happy. Redefine yourself in your mind. It's all perception. Upon realizing this, it can be scary. Upon understanding this...life becomes FUN.

Dear Cynn, You are worth loving. This is what he did, not You. You will heal and you will get stronger everyday, I will be praying for you, You are a Special,Loving,Good Person, Love, Kris/Kat

I feel your pain. My husband is living next door to me with his girlfriend! A woman I was once friends with and who used to babysit our children. I have four kids with him ages 3 mnths 2 yrs 11yrs and 12 yrs. The two older ones are in so much pain. They have expressed their feeling to their father and he said he is sorry but he is a grown man and deserves to be happy too. it kills me to see the hurt on their faces. There is nothing wrong with you! I know how you feel like some one has reached in and ripped out your very soul. I can be in a room full of people and feel completly alone! You have to believe that you will find happiness. Try to not look to far into the future. Every morning get up and tell yourself " all I have to do is get thru today." Just because your husband feel out of love with you does not mean that you are not lovable, all it means is that he was to stupid to see what a wonderful thing he had and that god has a better person for you. I feel like I am in a living hell but I have to tell my self things can only get better. It may seem like your life is over but for all you know it may just be starting. I wish you well.

Thank you again everyone. I am doing my best with this. The children don't know about her, yet. I am trying to make peace with this, but my emotions are so crazed right now and I never know how I am going to feel moment to moment. I feel like crying one minute and then screaming the next. It helps to have other people think that there is something good in me, I don't always feel that right now. I adore my children, and he is a good dad, that has never been an issue. We are still living in the same house, he has moved to another room and moved our daughter in with me. I almost hate sleeping in our bed, he wants it and I know that is because when they finally are detached from their spouses they will be living together and she will be sleeping where I used to sleep and other things. My mind is too active when I have down time. I know I am going to need to get over the pettiness of these feelings, for the sake of my kids who will have to deal with her in their lives and will look to me for how to react. I have a dialogue open with her and under different circumstances we could have been best friends, that kills me. I want to have a comfortable relationship with her so that when my kids have Christmas or any other occasion with their father I don't spend those times alone. I guess I am rambling. I should go.

Cynn

i too just found out that may husband of 19 years is in love with somebody else. they have been having the affair for more than a year now. the bad thing is we were adopting and finally the process finished early this year and he let it happened. he should have told me about them, maybe we could have prevented the adoption. now, i have a son and i lost my husband. i too cry a lot. my family are far away, so i have no support. now it's just gonna be me and my son. he's too young to understand. i pray that i remain strong. this is my first time in this site. i will pray for you too

Cynn,
It's of if *I* was writing this. With a few exceptions. I was married 37 years, tomorrow. My Kids are grown. He didn't sleep with just one...did this our whole marriage. I kept overlooking it, because, of course, he wasn't really doing this...and, I started to drink. I did for years. I wasn't able to see what he was doing...I secluded myself & my beer. I quit, after I got Breast Cancer, &, my EYES & EARS opened up! He wasn't gonna change & I was gonna catch him! And, I did! He's in Afghanistan now working on aircraft & I am alone, lost, mad, falsely accused of everything & am just trying to learn to survive! We were married when I was 17 & he was 18. I went from mama & daddy to him. we'll chat on here & help each other! I FEEL Your PAIN!