It is a month he 5th of October,since he left. I am all cried out, and reality is setting in. I have left a few messages on his unanswered cellphone and sent a really long text last nigh,over my anger of him not responding to our sons pleas for contact. I have an unsettling feeling that he may be with another person, but I really do not know. he is a recovered alcoholic with a history of bipolar, and I am thinking he is off his meds and drinking, about 50 percent thinks that, the other is that he is with someone. My son called him from an anonyomous pay phone and he answered and said he was out west in Las Vegas. I really do not know where he is or who he is with... I am thinking of all the good times and I am sad. I know there were alot of bad times as well, How do I stop wondering where he is and who he might be with? I am having trouble with sleeping, I am finally able to eat again without feeling like I am going to get sick, thank God. I am going monday to see if I can do a modification on my house, to keep it, I am almost past numb, everything horrible at once. I am feeling alone and lonely, which I have never felt in my life. I used to relish time alone and enjoy myself immensly Now I cannot clean my house or cook,or barely breathe..It has gotten better somewhat, in some small ways. My sons are angry and hurt, I continue to tell them everything will be ok, even hough I am not sure it will be. A big part of me wants him to come home,because I think we were all so dependant on him because I went into a depression last year and depended on him for alot including all financials. It is so strange being here in our home alone. I received a call from his mother today, she has not heard from him in a month either,He has a son from a previos marriage who called our son to tell him his dad missed him and he was going to call him,i reactivated my sons phone and after many messages, no reply at all. I wish I could just move forward and take care of all the issues that need to be addressed, I feel so scared and alone. He left us in a terrible position and I am so disgusted with him for doing this, I do not want to be The Victim, I want to be the Survivor and I want to be happy..Please send me your thoughts, you guys are a lifeline for me right now.

Hi Kris

what I can say to you is that everything you are feeling has been shared by most other women on here, including myself. There will be times it feels simply too overwhelming. You keep the anger, hatred, love, loss, jelousy inside you and it becomes an unimagineable pain.

You carry the hurt you see being inflicted on your children and that makes it all the harder. You can not explain his actions but you will try and rationalise, come up with your own conclusions...

You can not think on his behalf because they think differently, they lack the decency, the compassion that we feel. So, we will never truly understand their actions. There is no point trying to work them out. You have to concentrate on you and your children.

It helped me immensley when I heard the other women on here talking about feelings that i thought were unique to me. it helped even more realising that these feelings of despair and anguish do not last.

Not much can hurry the process along, but you will survive and come out better, stronger and wiser at the other side. You will aslo realise that you do indeed deserve better for yourself.

That pang that is inside you becomes almost normal and you think maybe it is there to stay and life will never feel good again. I can tell you kat, that the black feeeling inside will start to lift. And one day it will be gone, it may come back every so often, but less dark and less powerful. One day you will enjoy life again and not need nor want his 'love'. One day you will see him for what he is without being clouded by your emotion. one day kat, you will be free.

Its ok to not always stay strong, just take each day as it comes, dont be disheartened if you feel there is little progress or you get knocked backwards again. Its all part of it and we have many different emotions to deal with, sometimes all at the same time!!

You will get through this. Its pretty horrible but it will change and one day you wont give a monkeys who he is with. You will laugh and smile again and enjoy life, it may take a little time but you will get there. Honest.

Abby is right, hang in there and ride out the storm. It will get better after all the ups and downs. Oprah said something one time on one of her shows and I will never forget the meaning of it...I don't know if I will quote her exact words but it went something like this...." I can't always stop the storms, but I have learned how to dance in the rain." We can't change what we have to go through, Kris, but we can learn to deal with it while we are going through it. It takes time to learn though and it takes seeking out the support of others along the way.

There are times when you go along and then you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel only to find out it is another train coming right at you, but you just hop off those tracks and catch your breath and then keep moving on because when you do come to that healing light and you walk out into it and realize it is finally over you will see you are a survivor and you can face anything after this because you have been to the darkest pit in your life and you have made it through...life from this point on will have it's issues now and then...but you will know you can face anything now and along the way you have grown and learned about, true love, respect, compassion, wisdom, the true value of what is important, how to deal with your emotions....etc, etc, etc, The fires of this trying time will refine you into a more stronger and braver person if you let it... What have our ex's learned....How to run away?????

You are in my prayers as you are with everyone here,
Susan

Kat,
Wondering who your husband is with only invites pain for you. Whether you husband is with no one or 10 women doesn't matter! The end result is that he has abandoned you & doesn't deserve you. ~&~ don't think for a second he won't exhibit his self-destructive behavior in other current or future relationships. You can't change what you don't acknowledge & it certainly sounds to me like our men fall deep into this category. I struggle too, but know that eventually my marriage would have ended. Despite my pain, I am thankful that it happened after 13yrs verses accepting less then I deserved for 13yrs and a day!! Speaking from experience, respect yourself enough to acknowledge your self-worth & rid yourself of any thoughts pertaining to your husband. This may take daily restructuring of self-destructive thoughts & actions. I wish for the end result for you to be not accepting any unkind behavior from your husband or anyone!

Well, I have a couple of tricks that you may or may not find crazy, depending on your belief system! One thing I do when I can't sleep is I imagine being wrapped up in an angels wings and try to feel the warmth and comfort of that. From another website, i learned to imagine light around me. Start at the top of your head, imagine a protective white light. Then let that expand and circle you, like you are in a sphere of white light. This will protect you from negative energy. And this is really crazy, but instead of wishing for negative things to happen to him (believe me, I have often fantasized about getting that knock on the door at 2am, telling me he is dead from a crash, and I would go off my myself, they will hear sounds from me, thinking they are sobs, but it is me stifling my laughter, yes, I get this mean in my thoughts!) wish for good things. Wish/pray he will understand love in this lifetime, to see what he had and what he lost. This is a kinder prayer. And to be honest, I think the outcome is worse. So they go off having fun, whatever. Maybe they die, they probably don't value their lives much anyway. But what if one day, they get it. They felt the love they were given, and then immediately after feel its loss. I use the light protection anytime negative thoughts come my way, whether from him or at work or anywhere. Just reflect it away. I also ask that anyone who sends negative thoughts towards me gets it back at them 10 times stronger. You really can push these bad feelings away. Maybe it's because concentrating on imagining light makes it so you can't concentrate on anything else. I don't know. All I know is it helped me. Do what you can to get out and do some activities. i have been doing it a lot lately, thoughts of him don't cross my mind and I am genuinely happy and having fun doing it. Please be your own best friend and be kind to yourself. Take a minute now and go outside. Breathe the air, feel your feet on the ground. Feel the sun or the rain, the warmth or the cool, look at leaves on a tree or the stars in the sky. Just feel. Feel your feet and your legs holding you up, the ground beneath to support you, concentrate on your breaths, know your heart beats to give you life, and feel how you are connected to the universe. If you really do this it can be overwhelming, but it puts things in perspective. It makes you feel how much you belong here, how you were given the gift of being a part of something HUGE, and how he is such a tiny speck in all of this. The WHOLE world, the UNIVERSE...and him. Which will influence you more?

Goodmorning , Thank you for all of your responses. I have to tell you, I have been in this emotional and verbal and mental abusive relationship for so many years, I had an affair last summer. He found out about it and verbally abused me in front of our sons for the last year. I tried to escape the abuse, by chance ,finding someone else who was kind and loving to me. I feel into an 8 month depression where I hardly left my room, and went into the hospital twice for depression, first time in my life in the hospital. He left in may,july and final departure last month. He went to his mothers have dental work done, exenstensive. I am losing the house today because i do not have any income on my own for the modification and do not have enough money to pay the ulities, I have an older son 18, who will not work, abuses marijunia, has stopped taking ged classes, and verbally abuses me constantly, he spat upon me twice in last two day, calls me a c*** and a f****** B***. My younger son is swearing and calling me names as well, it is a nightmare. I begged my mom to let us come to her house immediatly, my younger son and I, and My older son will have to find a place to go, although he has been stating he has no where to go, which is true, I called his birth father this am to beg for him to take him, waiting for a callback, he probably will not. I feel like I am dying, I thought about my life all last night and felt sick, I have a counselor and am on an antidepressant,I feel like I cannot go on. I need emergency help right now, I cannot stand to be in this house for one more minute, my car is falling apart,and I am exhausted and completely spent, I have nothing left, with all the stress, I need a refuge.