Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
Sam
I have been mostly a stay at home mom for 18 years. To make a long story short, I gave up everything I wanted to do to stay home and care for my children so he can pursue what he wanted. After years of supporting him through many years of struggling, going through bankruptcy,pursuing his dream of owning his own business (that failed), his drug addictions, and when he finally got a good job he worked so much he was never home. It seems like he had to escape in one way or another. I was alone with three kids for many years and got used to it. I did everything around the house and was basically mom and dad to the kids. He would come home expect what he wanted for dinner, the kids to be quiet and leave him be, and go to sleep. Never spent time with any of us.
I stuck with the marriage no matter how miserable I was, thinking that one day it would get better. It never did. I felt unappreciated, unloved, and ignored, but I still stuck with him. When the kids got older, I decided to go back to school to get my degree (in which he knew I always wanted to do) I enrolled in a school online so that i would still be home to to take care of the kids and he couldn't be mad at me for going anywhere. Well that did it, he hated me for it, said I was slacking off on my "wifely" duties. I was working a few months out of the year and going to school, it was tough on me, he did not support me or help me at all. I supported and helped him through everything he did and he would not do that for me. I was hurt and devastated. He chose to get drunk every night and tell me that i didnt want to spend time with him, when he didnt spend time with me for 15 years. You see as soon as I did something for myself he hated me. Tried counseling but they told him he needed to stop drinking. He refused to go after only 3 times. He started seeing a woman that he met at his job. I asked him to stop seeing her, stop drinking and go back to counseling and work on our marriage. He refused, he wanted things his way or no way.He left. That was almost two years ago. I wont get into the crap he has pulled since then. I just wanted to let you know that your wife was unhappy, left alone with the kids and no family or friends to keep her company, and not being able to drive anywhere. That would drive anyone into depression. Im not saying that she had a good excuse for having an affair, but it seems to me that you were not paying attention to her. I am not going to accuse u of domestic violence either. Maybe she is saying all of that to get help, being alone with two young children is not easy, maybe she cant get a job that would be enough to pay the bills and daycare. What I don't understand is the lack of contact.. even if she doesn't want to speak to you, why hasn't she made any effort to get child support from you? How long has it been since she left? Two things come to my mind, 1) she is with a "boyfriend" who is taking care of her and the kids, or 2) she moved out of the country. I cannot understand why a shelter would not insist she file for child support. I dont know maybe she has and you just haven't heard from them yet. All in all, if she was not left alone all the time, maybe none of this would have happened. Just my opinion, no offense.
Yes she wasn t happy staying home with two kids alone during day time. Yes, I wasn t happy working 45-50 hours a week then driving the entire family to malls and places for another 2-3 hours to entertain them. Yes, she wasn t happy from my attention because I was tired most of the week days. Yes, I wasn t happy not seeing her understanding my pressure and putting additional pressure. Yes, she wasn t happy about handling her legal paperwork, immigration case. Yes, I was tired explaining her and taking her with me to all kind of lawyers (I had to become a US citizen before I could file for her). Yes, no one from our common friends could truly understand her situation that was also hearting her. Yes, I was tired listening her complains about all of this. Yes, she would go and stop talking to me. Yes, I would go and keep her not talking to me . Yes, we had several close conversations. Yes, besides demands I heard nothing to see a solution to our problems.
Yes, she has filed child and spouse support. It is going to be in late Oct. Yes, she is asking FULL CUSTODY for kids. Yes, she WANTS TO STAY WITH KIDS this time. Hope she will be happy finally. Oops, with shared custody only.
Sam
It does seem like you tried to support her, I have to give you that. Did you hear from family court with any documents? I would think that her current address would be on them. She cannot keep you from seeing the kids. One thing I learned is that it is illegal and even considered kidnapping if the children are moved away from the non custodial parent ( NY has 50 miles as the limit, I think), unless restraining orders are in place. At least you want to see your children and I hope that you do pay any court ordered child support for them. Most men feel child support is unfair, but they also need to understand that the courts are on your side for visitation. (if all you said is true and there is no abuse or maltreatment involved on your part, I see no reason why you will not be able to see the kids, maybe contact family court and tell them you have been refused visitation)..
Dear summer912, my wife left this Aug. 5th and since then I haven’t heard or seen them. I saw her twice in court. After desperately searching them for 2 weeks (they were all reported as missing) and thinking all terrible scenarios I’ve got call just 8 hours before the court hearing. I was told by some lady (maybe a court clerk, I was shocked to ask her who is she) that my wife has filed a domestic violence on me and tomorrow it will be the temp restraining order hearing. When I learn the court papers it was the most horrible day in my life. Long story short; she had a PO box number and a phone number that only my representative could contact to her. Since she left she had turned off her cellphone. On some papers where she had some explanations on my “bad” behavior she had said that she left to shelter though she said no physical abuse had happened or any physical violence whatsoever, emotional trauma. This was the official charge she was trying to convince the court with 10s of horrible accusations I mentioned in one of my earlier post. 3 weeks later court found no evidence of any of her accusations, the temp restraining order was removed and she was ordered to come back home. The next day she filed a divorce with additional custody, child and spouse support hearings. She still has no physical address on court papers. Same PO box and same phone number. She filed cash aid from social services. I received my copy of social services paperwork and I filled and send them back the same day. Few days Later I was called by someone from social services whom I said that custody and other aspects will be discussed in late Oct., as I understood he put on hold the case. I don’t worry about money she might be needed right now. When she left she took the last cash we had at home, about 10k, so she has some money. Anyway, she did not return to home and still is somewhere, hiding kids and having no contact to anyone whom I know. She talk to her mother only oversees who doesn’t give me any information. I don’t call her anymore, after the 1st court hearing. My lawyer says that there is motion called X-Party motion he is going to file to have a court order for me to see my kids. It is already a month my kids don’t go to school. It is a mess she started and she has to get over on her own way.
People make choices and they must take responsibility for their mistakes. I told her so. There are mistakes that are irreversible.
When I look back I could see lots of mistakes I did. But I was never on divorce mood ever. I was hopping that one day everything will be OK. There were lots of things tied to the time and we had to maintain where we were without escalating or making up more problems. Turned out I was mistaken again.
Her last move (leaving the home with kids to nowhere) was another mistake for all of us. Nobody benefited so far. Nor her, Nor I or kids. Could we workout our relationship? Maybe. Could we workout our divorce in civilized way? Definetly.
Lisa
You wrote:
Ask me why I left. This is what you will hear:
This man told me he loved me every day for 12 years. He also cheated, lied, drank and neglected me and his children for 12 years. I loved him, supported him with every decision he ever made, I did everything for him so that when he got home from work he wasn't bothered by pesky "husband" tasks. I told him over and over again how unhappy I was and he never cared. As long as his world didn't change he was happy. Finally I told him to leave. He fell to his knees crying...then he got a gun. I fought with him for hours to just give me the gun. He started drinking.
Yeah been there except for 18 years and no gun (thank God!) Mine cried just once, by that time I was done, I couldn't find sympathy for a drunken man who never cared about how I felt. I offered to go back to counseling etc, but he wouldnt give up the gf and drinking and actually support me in what I wanted to do. It was over at that point. I think about and realize that he should have married June Cleaver or his mother (whom I put up with all her harassment all these years). When you are ignored and unappreciated for a long time, you will eventually become numb..that is when they turn things around and blame you. He left two years ago this coming January. I stayed in the home with the kids, he took over the bills and I had to beg him for grocery money etc. I finally applied for child/spousal support and when the temporary court order came in November he handed me months of unpaid bills. I could not keep up with the mortgage and after permanent support order came through in june, moved the kids and I out of the house before it would forclose on us. I also moved out because he was living at his aunts and the kids were "not allowed to stay there". Now I insist that he take the kids every other weekend (I can count on my hands how many times he saw them in the past two years).. he complains about having to take them that he has no money to do anything with them because he is paying me..uh I went two years without being able to spend money on our kids, couldnt afford to get my pool going for them, no week at camp, no week at the shore like they were used to, while he galavanted to wineries, hotels, concerts, the beach with his gf. I took them places and did stuff with them that cost no money, like walks, lakes, and actually played with them. He even took the ac out of the window!! Well what comes around goes around. He is crying poverty now and is not paying the support. Its tough for me, but I am doing the best I can. Hopefully, I can find a full time job, childcare, and child support services does what it has to do to get him to own up to his responsibilities. I feel better about not being in that house, in that neighborhood with all his relatives. I needed to move and get out from under his control. Now he cries to me about money, even thinks i should call my lawyer and put a stop to the support order, yeah right! Go cry to your girlfriend.
Sorry just had to vent!
Summer, I have no sympathy for my ex. either. He took advantage of my love for him and he deserves his life. I actually smile when I think of how miserable he is now...it's about time. My ex cries about CS too...and he can do the same cry to his girlfriend I do not want to hear it.
I’m still looking some woman who left to shelter while divorcing. If I assume that my wife is still (or ever) in a shelter then how these shelters handle kids and schools? I was the only one who called the school to let them know in short what’s happened and I saw with my eyes on school district clerk monitor that my kids files are still there, there are 0 (zeros) in all boxes; attendances, sick days etc. No one requested, no one transfer files, kids are missing their schools. Is this normal for shelters? Why their work styles are like Gestapo prisons? Why fathers can’t get information about their kids even if they are in shelters or hid by their mothers? What is this called: gender discrimination, parental alienation or what?
Oh Sam will you never learn......
You have answered your own question in previous posts. IF your wife filed DV charges then she will be protected. IF she has the children with her, they will be protected. Why in the h*!! would you be able to get info on the kids if they are with her and she is seeking protection from you??!! Even if you are being falsely accused.
I still thing that there is something "off" about your story. You say she filed for support? Then she has opened the doors for visitation. She has asked for your money then she has to be aware that you have rights as the father. Do you have custody orders? If there is no order to allow visitation then she has done nothing wrong. She did not kidnap the kids, she as their mother, is allowed to take them anywhere she sees fit. It is not kidnapping, unless there is an order stating that she is hindering your right to see them. If you have not filed for that right then shame on you. For some reason the state you live in or for that matter OUR country is allowing her to stay hidden from you......
I know for a fact that if you withhold your children from a visitation it will cost you, jail time or $.
On the matter of school, ever heard of home schooling? It's done all the time.
IMO you look down on women. You feel that you have the right to do what you want when you want. And now that she has taken up on her rights your mad. I get this just from reading you responses. You are more than willing to spit out your wife's faults but are quick to defend you actions...because you were tired. Cry on a man's site....most of us women have done more than our fair share. If she stayed at home then I'm sure she was tired too.....ever ask her is she needed a break? I worked 40+ a week, took care of two kids, cleaned the house, cooked dinner every night, washed clothes and did my husbands work too ( mowed the lawn, changed the oil in my car) But it was okay when he came home and sat on his a$$ from 5 to 11pm because he was tired.
So you think you are above us? Don't ask us for advise. If you want us to believe you, don't get defensive when asked to tell the truth. Want sympathy? Talk to your mother.
She left you. Not only did she leave you, she is hiding from you. You must not be a perfect as you portray yourself to be.
wow
Dear women,
There are so many types of personalities in this forum and I can see so many common things that goes on and on in so many conversations. The forum is designed for women and there is nothing wrong to be a white raven here. This said I don t care if you need my word here or not. There is no black and white in our life to label people especially when dividing people by gender. Some of you said your husbands were drinkers or alcoholics, abusive toward you and/or your kids. The fact is: your relationship with your husbands did not work at some point of your life and he/she or both start exercising your power to control the other side regardless of the goal; saving the family or punishing the partner or showing his/her jealousy. The fact is that the relationship has gone wrong, failing down and is going to be the brake up in the family.
When I enter this forum I ask for an advice to know how shelters work in regard to children and schooling. Some of you were interested to know what my story is and I told you in brief. Some of you start suspecting the truth I told you and start accusing me for the situation I m in. With few posts in this forum there is no way any of you can get a sense of what really happened in my family and I m not intended to paint more pictures in this matter. Some, who shift the topic got lost in their approach from the main question. How shelters work? Respect to both sides of the conflict, this is what I m missing here. Can my wife be a bad girl? I can see some of your angry faces. Try to accept that girls can be bad too. Maybe I m the bad guy? That s not the point. And advising here to some ladies how to go toward their divorce, step by step, collecting data to use against their husbands is a conspiracy with gender solidarity. Now back to my posts and problems . Why you need to know our past to tell me how shelters work? Why you need to judge our past? Simple conversation with exchange of knowledge and experience dealing with our system, that we know all is not perfect at all, is what I was expecting to hear from here.
All your personal stories are soo touchy and I feel and I share your pain. Though I m not rushing to punish your husbands labeling or (name) calling them AH. There are true psycho s out there, everywhere. There are traumas where people turn to psychos. This forum might have some. The world is not perfect including any social network.
By now and good luck in your next life chapter.
Hunchback will become straight in the grave only. True for all, men and women, also for hunchbacks.
Sensing that "some of you" is me, I am going to reply one more time to you just so you get the picture. You are asking how shelters work but you do not think that your past relationship with your wife matters in getting the answer, right? Wrong.
Shelter: refuge; an establishment providing temporary accommodations and food for people in need
There are thousands of shelters. Shelters for the homeless, shelters for teens, shelters for pregnant teens, shelters for abused woman. There are even shelters for dogs, cats, snakes, ect....So the past history does matter because it will tell what kind of shelter she is in.
Ok that established. If your wife CLAIMS abuse. I am giving you the benefit of doubt here. SOMEONE believed her. They took her in, they promised to keep her hidden from you. That entails taking the kids out of the public school system. They are not going to call the school and say: "BTW, Joe and Jane Smith are not going to be attending school because they are at Battered Women and Children Shelter, 123 Maple Drive. Same goes for the address on the support orders. They are not going to make her give a physical address if she is in a shelter ( thats why she has a PO Box). Whether she is abused or not they will not compromise the safety of the other women and children that are living there. This is why no one you know knows where she is. For some reason your wife is fearful. Maybe it is make believe, maybe not. But it still stands that a shelter is protecting her and until your hearing in Oct. you are not going to find her or the kids. If you have a custody order and were awarded visitation and she has kept them from you during your scheduled time then you have the right to go to family court file contempt charges against her. UNLESS there really are charges against you for abuse, you will get to see your kids, and you will get make up time with them. She does not have the right to keep you away from your children if there are orders. If there are no orders then you are out of luck. File for custody of them yourself and see what happens.
Women do not just sit around and think of ways to "get" men. Maybe some do but they are the ones not here at a site asking for help and support. The have there own site somewhere I'm sure.Here we support each other, feel for each other and okay maybe give each other a little advise on how to get a leg up on the divorce or take a small amount of pleasure in the fact that our cheating ex's are getting what comes to them.
No one will truly understand your life, only you know the truth. Asking questions is not judging it is seeking truth. When you jump to defense mode and avoid direct questions that quickly then it begs the thought that something is amiss. If you are an innocent victim then stay true to who you are and allow karma to take it's sweet time. If you are not innocent then karma will get to you in turn. Karma is not gender sensitive.
Sam,
No offense to the women here, but, as a father, you are unlikely to get useful advice on this board. There is a (perhaps understandable) reflexive suspicion of men here.
I find that most posts here are simply emotional support rather than concrete advice and actions that would benefit your attempts to regain contact with your children.
I strongly suggest you look at the website www.dadsdivorce.com It is a community of fathers going through divorce.
I will warn you, however, those guys will play rough with you if they perceive that your interest is simply revenge on your wife or trying to get out of playing child support. 'The best interest of my kids' is the mantra over there and they will tell you that unless your wife is actually abusive to the kids, she should be in their lives. Even a deeply flawed mother or father is better than none at all.
They have little patience for fathers that don't take care of their kids or who simply want to whine about how unfair things are. Some of the advice is in the form of a 2 by 4 upside the head to man up and WORK on the problem.
If things are truly as you say in your post, and she is trying to leverage the ridiculous VAWA statues falsely, you will get a lot of support and very good (layman level) legal advice. You should have a good shot at 50/50 custody. You are unlikely to get more unless the mother is drastically and provably unfit, the court system has a strong female bias when it comes to custody.
You will also get advice on how to forestall her taking the kids out of the country without your permission. That is a real danger in a case such as yours. See www.justice.gov/criminal/ceos/ipk.html
If it comes out that "it's all about you" and the kids may actually be better off with your wife, they will tell you that very bluntly.
Fight for your kids,
Bill W.
ps. You should also be aware that if you do find your kids, you can simply pick them up. You are the father and in the absence of court orders, you have just as much right to them as the mother. I would also file for an immediate emergency order to return the children to the marital home (I hope you have a lawyer). If she is unable to prove abuse, your presence and stability in the home will work in your favor in the ensuing custody battle. She has made a big mistake in trying to play 'keep away' with the kids. Don't let it pass without taking advantage of it.