Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
Funny you said you loved yourself too much to let him treat you that way again. Recently I was chatting with a friend and he said that I need to ask myself the hard questions....do I love him?....do I respect him?.....Am I prepared to be without my kids on some nights and weekends?....Do I love myself enough to go after what I want...whatever that is. Two of those questions are easy...no, no, i'll not know until it happens, and....not sure...so hard.
Another question for you....IF your husband apologized and followed it with change of behavior, but piece of the old persona kept emerging, do you think you would've been able to get past the control? Do you think you'd be able to trust him again with your heart? That's what I'm struggling with. I see that my husband is trying, but I still continue to see traits of the man that got us to this point...sep bedrooms...me wanting to file. I've heard of the point of no return....I think I reached that point a long time, because everything he does....even the good stuff annoys me....Annoys me because I think...why now? Why now after I've done so much processing and just "done"? Why now after years of me begging for him to go to counseling? I file a year ago and THEN he wanted to go to counseling...ugh!
So...Do you think you'd ever be able to go back to your ex if he were "trying"?
For me, no. We've been married almost 20 years and I am sick of the "trying". It ALWAYS goes back to the old ways (which is why it's just 'trying', that's very non-committal). Mine will try until he gets what he wants, until I let my guard down, have hope again, become vulnerable again. For me, trying is not enough anymore. In or out. Here or not. I have given him the choice and and the chance over and over. And now the choice is mine and there is no chance. yes I get angry about it and sad about it but I am determined to reclaim my life, my self, and my dignity.
Sounds like we are living parallel lives. Over the years, I would get back on the horse, only to be knocked off...time after time. It takes a tole. I'm ready (internally) to be on my own, but am finding it difficult to "pull the trigger". I know that divorce is difficult and I guess I'm avoiding THAT particular type of difficulty, while living through my current difficulty. Not easy..not easy at all.
How did he behave during the divorce? I'm afraid my husband will try to pull the kids into the middle. I think he'll be a real ass.
He behaved like an A$$ Still is. One thing I Am learning is that I am not responsible for how he acts. I just do my best to dry the tears, calm the fears and show my boys how much I love them. He can shoot himself in the foot with them, they are already learning that he is a liar. He lies to them every weekend he has them
That's so funny you said just hearing him breathe made you annoyed...me too! Whenever he was back in my bed I would get mad at his snoring, kick him, yell shutup at him, and when he wasn't snoring...well...the sound of his breathing bothered me! And to Jean, yes, sounds like we are in similar situation. And I am also worried about how he will act during divorce. I am taking my time, getting things lined up so I can get myself in a good place and then get it done. He did make me laugh once threatening to take the kids (he does NOTHING with them, doesn't even speak to them, celebrate birthdays with them etc) I literally LAUGHED and said GO AHEAD! I could sure use sometime to myself and less running around to all of their activities! He quickly quieted down and mumbled that they should stay with me...whatever, so full of it! Anyway, it would be really helpful to get the heads up on some of the games they play during divorce, just to be prepared and have a plan on how to handle it.
I know my ex wouldn't come back in the first place so there is really no issue there. He is the type of person that always destroys something and moves on...he never looks back at what he destroys so it gives him the feeling of no loss or no regret...this helps him to move on to the next thing. He even stated..."Why do I have to destroy everything to begin again"....I know why, to keep him from being held by a past he wants to run away from.
I also told him to never come back again as well...I told him that when he walked out that door it would be the last time I ever wanted him to bother asking me to come back...I had already given him way to many chances and he was just hurting the boys and myself.
When I look back now, I had given him those chances because we had two young boys and were married for 20 years...I see now I really couldn't have lived with him if it had worked out....deep down I knew he wasn't going to change no matter what he said and I didn't want to have to look over my shoulder anymore. He went to far and burned every bridge that there was. He lied, he stole, he cheated, he betrayed me in every way and he ripped my heart apart with the cruel things he would say. He made sure he did the job well to eliminate anything that would pull him back in because he wanted to run...as he does from everything in time. I let him run...I never asked him once to come back, it was always him...I never want to live with someone who doesn't know what love and commitment truly are. It is definitely not control. I know I never would have trusted my ex again...even if he could have changed...I couldn't change my doubt and loss of respect I have for him.
Susan
LOLs to the breathing!
My ex never came to bed, always fell asleep on the sofa but one night he fell asleep on my bed and I could hear him breathing, it drove me so crazy I got up. Just his breathing. I remember not being able to sit in the same room as him, I would side look at him and just think how much I diskliked this person. I couldnt wait for him to fall asleep so I would get 'my' time. Weekends became torture.
As for how they might behave during a divorce.
WOW. You might think you know someone but in my experience I couldnt have guessed at the stunts he pulled. He has consistently swung between crying, guilt trips, blame and outright wickedness. So 'I need you, love you, want you' verses 'Im going to make your life hell and do the most hurtful dispicable things to you'.
Quite a mind flip I can tell you.
I never imagined the things he was capable of. At the same time I look at his actions and see that they were mostly selfish and were not aimed at destroying me, he simply couldnt see the immoralty of some of his actions, he thought about his needs and sod the rest. He may have wanted his wife and child but he wasnt willing or able to behave in a way that reflected that so called need. And now what was a bad situation is beyond redemption because he acted in ways that I never thought possible.
again I wonder was it always a part of him or did the divorce create what he is now?
Interesting that he too said he had seen the error of his ways, controlling, spiteful, bullying. Yet I have seen him in full swing with others. He has always treated people badly and still does but tells me he has changed. Man he has changed alright, into something he despises. In his sober moments he is ashamed of himself but he has another drink to bury that uncomfortable feeling.And creates another disaster that he must face.
I too had the 'I want 50/50 with our son'. Freaked me out at first until I told him no problem, when would he like to start? Heard nothing since. I once told him 'our son wants to live with you, when shall I bring him?', you wanna hear someone back peddle!
They use every emotional string they have, they want you to feel bad. The biggest insult for them is if we are able to move on and find hapiness. What they want to be able to say is 'she will never be happy without me'. So expect dirty tricks, expect the unexpected. Expect behaviour you never thought they were capable of. However, I have known others who have divorced quite civily, I can only give you my experience.
My ex came back after two weeks in another country and he said he realised he wanted to be a better husband. For about a week he was everything I wanted him to be previously, unfortunately I had already in my mind reached the point of no return, so everything he did wound me up, in fact it was a nightmare because he came home from work early, wanted to sleep in my bed and spend time with me. I just wanted him to go back to normal so I could be alone.It didnt take long but he didnt go back to 'normal' it became worse than it ever had been. I never argued, just kept my head low and even that didnt work, he needed to attack me. So from realising he had to change the one week, the next week he was a bigger bully than ever. I had siad nothing, only observed while knowing in my heart the two weeks he was away were the best two weeks Id had in years. His visit away gave me the answer I needed. The subsequent roller coaster has made me doubt myself so many times. However writing this even now has brought memories back to me that I had forgotten or have been dulled through the war that has taken over.
My mum has maintained throughout that if I ever went back it would take about 48 hours for the reality to sink in that id made the biggest mistake of my life.
She is right I believe, but sometimes its easy to lose sight of how we actually felt in it.
Maybe write a journal for your future, I found one Id written about 3 years before leaving, man I was so unhappy. I dont even remember writing it but at times it has helped validate that it was as bad as I thought it was.
Write how he makes you feel now that you are with him, it may help you in time.
My ex is always telling me how he has changed now that he is out living with this other woman....Funny, but I haven't seen a single change that he speaks of yet...Even when I squint and try to see him as someone I just met...lol...sometimes the squeaky wheel "just squeaks" and nothing more.......
I think deep down we know we are happier knowing what we have escaped from. Even if some of us had to have a little push-start first from their exes.
Susan