We are separated but not!
We have been together for 18.5 years.
One son from my first marriage is 21 years old
One son together is 16 years old.
I worked with him and we were friends during my first marriage. He actually lived on our couch for awhile before my first divorce. We were not doing anything before my marriage ended.
Here is the deal one of sisters shared the fact that she and my friend had sex before. Once my marriage separated and the divorce was filed we became more. I know. Ugh! I have always cared for him before but wasn’t looking at in a relationship way because I was married. I do remember the time my sister told me about them having sex the first time. I was on her couch staying there after my split with my husband, I rolled over and said mentally to myself to leave my (his name ) alone! He was great with my then 2 year old son. He made me laugh we were good together. Well we became a couple. He moved in with my son and me. My sister asked me not to discuss the fact they had a sex together with other family members and did not.
We moved on with our lives. We had a second son a few years later.
Well about 6.5 years ago my husband went outside on a snowy winter day to do something and disappeared. I called my sister because has I said we moved on with our lives we still talked actually I thought we were close. I was worried and didn’t know what to do. My husband helped her do things around her house at times. We helped her open her pool each summer. I guess I kind of felt bad, actually a lot of my siblings felt bad and worried about this sister because she was on her own. I had thought he went to our suburban truck to get something the back doors were open but no husband. I called his mother she didn’t know anything.
I was driving around trying to find him. The kids were at home alone. Well long story short I finally spoke with him I believe by cell phones. He had walked away in the snowy night. I picked him up. It was a major deal. He was crying. I was lost. He said he didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore and it came out that he was having an affair with my sister. It had started years ago. He didn’t want it to go on like it did but he didn’t want her to tell me about the affair because he was sure it would be over with us etc. He talked to my sister to tell her it was over. She had known things might happen that day because she had told him to tell me or else she would. Well long story short I stayed with him. My sister wanted to talk to him to discuss everything because she expected him to leave me to be with her.
On the following Easter family gathering a few months later she decided since neither he nor I would talk to her about it right then to blast out the whole story in front of everyone, family and extended family members. Our kids and all! Our sons cried! It was such a sad horrible day.
Well since she was verbally attacking me in front of everyone I shared with everyone the fact she had slept with 3 other family members mates and gave the names. I know Jerry Springer all the way! Ugly!
Somehow life moved on but we had bumps along the way but we were hanging in there and moving on.
A year or so later our older son started having mental issues around the age of 17 and life became more stressed. I would give him money and take him places at times I probably shouldn’t have. My actions were perceived by my husband as allowing him to do things he shouldn’t like drink or smoke pot. I was not Okaying it; I was just trying to deal everything. We would have arguments over this and some other things of course. I would bring up the affair of course. By the way the affair went on and off for 11 years or something like that. I guess there was a year or more between times. Anyway, I am very vocal he is not. I did drink and smoke pot when I was younger he has never drank or anything else. He has zero understand on why someone would want/need to do this.
Well to move on with this story, last December I am severed with divorce papers at work. The person doing the serving tells me that my older son and I have an hour to get our basic things and get out. My younger son and husband will remain in the house. I called my husband told him this needed stopped I was in such a shock I didn’t know what to do. Well I left work, met another sister at my house to get some things. My husband had packed up all of our basic things. My older son and I moved in with my mom.
I hated the fact of being kicked out of my house and he kept custody of our son. I couldn’t believe it. I hated not being in my ‘zone’. I hated not being with my family at our house. I just could not believe it. I just did not want it. I cried I couldn’t stand it or understand it. I called him, I cussed about it, and I cussed him. I couldn’t believe it and I did not want our lives together to end. His reason was he did it before I filed on him and the issues with how I handle things with our older son and the problem is caused for our younger son.
A month later my older son and I moved to an apartment. I had to get a three bedroom so I could move forward in getting my younger so to stay/live with us.
Well we have gone to counseling. My younger son and husband are over here every night. We still have the other house that is expensive and mainly our cat lives in it. I can’t see my/our future without him but there is so much bad in the past. The divorce is in extended status on both our sides.
I guess I am just putting this out here to see what others comment.

Take care all
CR

Well I guess my story is to much for people to reply too. LOL

Cindy
Mine is forever long and neverending it seems. Post yours! Even if you do it a little by little.. it helps to get it out!

cr is u?? well ok then..
I might have assumed wrong but here is my opinion. It sounds to me that there is a chance that you and your husband are trying to work things out. If that is true, then go to counseling, try and see if you can work things out.
A friend of mine's husband cheated (while she was pregnant with their second child), they separated for a year (lived in different homes) .. but they got back together because of money and also i believe they really truly love each other.
They are still together and although they have some difficulties, they are getting thru it.
I remember them arguing and she went off on how he cheated on her... I told her if she couldnt deal with the fact that he cheated, then leave, but that their marriage will never survive if she kept bringing up every time. That if she really forgave him for it and he was trying, then she needed to let it go. Things are a bit better now.
Now my husband cheated, and i told him i would forgive him if he stopped seeing her, got some help and worked on the marriage. he refused, and honestly, i dont think she was the main reason, she was just an added perk. I knew that if he accepted, i would have had to take my own advice and let it go. I dont know if i could have. It seems we will bring up the cheating when they have something to say about us. I guess that is a normal reaction for everyone. Just like children. We say "well you did this" when someone is accusing us of something. I dont know how to fix it. But if the love is still there between the two of you and you are both willing to try to make it work.. then by all means give yourselves the chance. If it doesnt work, you can at least say you tried your best to save the marriage. Good luck to you.

Summer thank you so much for your reply!

Yes we are trying. I agree with throwing the cheating at him when we argue. I do not do it a lot or as much as I use to.

It is hard to get away from the past. If I/we love each other enough then we will work it out I guess. I just wish it wasn't part of my life, my families life and history it just sucks!

Well thanks again!
Take care all!
Cindy

Cindy,
Its not easy, but like I said, my friend and her husband are doing it. They have their problems, but you know what? I hear them tell each other they love each other all the time, whether it was a phone call to ask what to pick up for dinner or whatever, it seems they always say it. Maybe words aren't enough, but at least they are trying. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.