Feeling a bit on the ocean, trying to pack, everything all over the place, upside down. This little place has been my sanctuary through the worst of times and now Im begining another journey. Feeling very small in a big world, you know the feeling.

And adding to it is that my son seems distant to me. I let contact resume this weekend with the stipulation that my ex didnt drink any alcohol at all. He stuck to it. He actually agreed a week before that he had probably needed the short sharp shock of not being allowed to see his son. My argument being that basically our son was being ignored when he went to his dads. Dad was either asleep, on the phone upstairs or ranting. Anyway this weekend went really well for both of them, my son had a wonderful time and so did my ex. He didnt have one drink. He emailed me to thank me for the contact. All I wanted was for my son to have his dad back, which he did this weekend.

The problem being, my son came back with a pretty awful attitude. Usually he has just been so happy to get home and his usual cheerful chatty self. Not this time. My ex hasnt spoken bad about me probably the opposite. The problem is that he was great to be with and my son misses him again.

I asked my boy on the way to school what he was thinking, he said 'nothing'. I commented that he looked a bit sad and he said he missed his dad. I knew that was the problem but I just needed to hear it from him and know that he could say it to me.

So I just feel that I have got what I really wanted which was for their relationship to be salvaged rather than destroyed but Im wondering if this will be the pattern for the next few years. Ive seen it so many times. I felt my son was angry at me yesterday when he got back, I think he knows I am the one blocking any reconcilliation.
Does it mean the 'I want to live with dad' may rear its ugly head again when things dont go his way or when he misses his dad too much? I thought we had got past that.

Im tired from packing and a bit emotonal maybe I am being insecure or touchy. Not sure.

Divorce changes everything. I have had stress in my life but nothing has been on such a scale. And never would I have understood just how much a divorce can effect you. Neither did I ever envisage it would go on so long. Signing the dotted lines means very little in the process.
I felt stronger last week, is this me going backwards (I was so afraid of that) or is this just a knee jerk reaction to the other changes going on for me, the upheavel of moving and the commitment to another? Just nerves?

I feel I can never be sure of anything I feel. Wow. My ex says I am single minded, that I am strong that once my mind is made up nothing on this Earth will change it. Lols, maybe it looks that way. I start a course and very rarely deviate. Through all my wavering (in my head) I have moved ahead regardless. So perhaps it is true. Its very scary moving full steam ahead on the exterior while the interior is screaming 'OMG is this the right thing?'. Theres nothing worse than having to trust in yourself but then worrying youve got it all wrong.

Im 43 and feel like Im 6 needing to be guided and steered. There is nothing like divorce to shatter every belief about yourself.
One thing i dont get is that most women on here share very similar feelings, yet I have known people divorce and not go through this prolonged roller coaster. Is that because of the individual? Or the relationship? I worry sometimes because I think if there is love left was it right to end it. I think Ive told myself that love alone is not good enough. I think I am correct and I think in the long run I will feel it as much as think it. But am I wrong?
Am I the only one who doubts my own decisions? People say 'you must know your own mind' and you know what, its just not that straight forward.

For the first year I didnt feel any of this, I just felt happy and relieved to be free. Then it all changed, he started being nice and I felt warm feelings towards him. I was being drawn in, then the g/f arrived and the games began. And the endless strea of hurt and pain. Why didnt I feel anything at first? That baffles me, I didnt miss him and I didnt hurt. Nothing has been straight forward, just a massive mish mash of unexpected and unwanted crap.
And I guess Im totally unsettled by it all. Progress is sometimes slow and alomost, seemingly backwards. Is it normal? Man I dont know anymore. My ex emailed me, he said, hes not over me, that he regrets everything we went through. He says he lives with hope each day that a miracle will happen for us. he said he loves me so much and wishes that he didnt. And its screwed my head again. Its so much easier when he's calling me 'psycho' lols. He says he doesnt like his life and he doesnt know how to change it without me.
He has done things that have torn me into pieces and yet I can so easily excuse it(give me time and I will forgive anything, I am incapable of staying angry, and Lord knows Ive tried). That makes people mad at me, they think I make excuses for him, but I dont see it that way. I think its because I understand how lost he feels and powerless to change it all. The power is in my hands and I refuse to change it. So why when it is my choice from day one do I feel like this? Shouldnt I be emotionaly in control? Sometimes I wonder if Im going forward because it is what I do. Or because other things have gone too far. Are my feelings unique? I dont want them to be, I want to hear you tell me you understand and have been where I am, that it is part of it.
On the outside Im looking like Im in control now, Im doing all the right things, inside Im secretly scared stiff. I had a really good run of good days, now Ive hit some bad days. I darent even tell people Im feeling like this because they have to be so tired of me. I guess its progress that I can actually put a brave face on now, a few weeks ago that was quite beyond me.
The trigger appears to be my ex being nice to me. And the whole contact thing.
Ive likened divorce to a death, but Ive been through grief and its not the same. It wasnt so backwards and forwards.

Sorry ladies, Ive ranted, groaned and gone off at a tangent. Thoughts in my head that I want to share and theres only this one place I can do it and not sound crazy, dissapoint or upset people.

Once again I feel guilt over my son, I thought I had moved on from that but now its back because he doesnt have what he wants more than anything because of me.
Think I should go sleep, give my boy a big cuddle and hope for a better day tomorrow. This see-saw is making me feel quite ill!

Abbey

This is just my opinion..but if your ex knows about your new partner and that you are moving in together ..well that could be the reason for him wanting you back.
If this is true and not just my opinion, taking him back is a very bad idea.
I understand your concerns about your son, but you have to think about all your ex did to you with the games. It seems that he enjoys the games and the drama and if you take him back, you will receive more of that.
Maybe if you focus on your new partner and new home, your feelings for your ex will subside. Moving into my own place was a huge step for me.
Try to ignore the texts, emails, and phone calls. If your cell phone can block him, do it. Out of site, out of mind. If that isn't possible, at least ignore the ones that have nothing to do with taking care of your son.
I have to do that with my ex because it will just get into who is to blame and never solves anything. My ex does not want me back, however, he does insist on telling me over and over again that it was me who wanted out of the marriage, when in fact, he refused to give up his drink and his girlfriend,actually be a father to his kids, and work on our marriage. So its an argument that i am through with. Its almost like he is trying to convince me to say, "oh im so sorry darling, i had it so good with you, I need you, i cant make it without you, you were the best thing that happened to me, and oh let me get your slippers for you and give you a massage while you are talking to your girlfriend and having a shot of whiskey".. lmao!

Anyway all i can say is dont fall for his crap. If he truly means to get back with you and do right by you, he will take the time to show you instead of trying to make you come back right away. If he doesn't he will give up in no time and continue playing the games.
Good luck to you and let me know how things go, no matter what you decide, either way you are going to need support!

Thanks Summer,

He isnt aware of the imminent move, he has wanted me back all along but instead of behaving in a way that reflected that he did the most stupid hurtful things.
He emailed last night saying he is so unhappy and that he cant believe he's not witht he 'most wonderful woman in the world'. He said again he lives with a tiny amount of hope in his heart. I told him that only time will make things better, my responses were basically saying we have to move on.
I told him I couldnt see him because I find it painful not to be difficult. the texts and phone calls have stopped because i changed my number so the only way he can contact me now is through email. Its the one channel I left open because I thought there had to be some line of communication open. Its not too bad when hes ranting at me.

When the memories come now they are old times before all the rubbish started, I wish they would just go away. Its as though i am in mourning for someone I knew so long ago.
I guess the move is causing its own stress, im tired and exhausted so my defences are lower than usual. I really am hoping that the move helps with moving forward. Its scary too, been talking about it so long and now we have arrived. Ive put it off for some time, had it been up to me I would probably have just stayed in no mans land. I kept thinking one day i will feel ok. Its not like that though is it, you dont just wake up one morning and its gone, well it hasnt happened like that for me. Some mornings I have felt better than others. I felt so much better last week. Maybe Im just freaked out by the move.

Best foot forward, I want my new life with a man who is everything I could want, I just dont want to be haunted. Crazy isnt it.

Abbey, I think you are right, the stress of the move is getting to you a bit. Under the best of circumstances, moving is stressful! When the thoughts of the 'old' him come, remind yourself of the REAL him. He can't stand the thought of your being able to survive without him and (yikes) even be HAPPY without him. Keep focused, don't let him get to you. You are free. You fought to be free, so now enjoy it. You and your son will be fine, he is always your son and your love means everything to him and nothing can break that. No looking back, keep moving. Anytime soft thoughts of my stbx come into my head I remind myself of all the garbage he has put me through and long before I have exhausted the list those feelings are gone and replaced with the ones I should be feeling! 'Fake it 'til you make it', your inner self will become as calm as your outer self.

Thannks Strongspirit, yes the old him verses the real him. That struck a chord.


You are probably right about the move. Im surrounded by chaos and feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Spoke to ex yesterday and he is being so nice, sounds genuine but really just too much has gone on. He said he didnt know what he would do if I took the next logical step, sure he was refering to moving in with new partner. I say nothing really but just remind him gently that an awful lot has happened and we have hurt beyond any recovery. He says he misses me, that he will never love anyone like me, whether we are together or not. He will love again I know that, obviously the (ex) g/f was not what he needed. Id like to be friends with him but I think its way too soon. Well it is, I dont want to even see him because it causes me pain.
I may disappear for a few days after tomorrow until the internet is set up at the new place. Strange but im dreading not being able to check in here for words of encouragement from all you ladies. My ever faithful support group.
I often wonder how fab it would be to meet you all one day. Faces to the names. Now that would be a meeting to remember!!

Im gonna fake it till I make it....lols.

Oh, Abbey. Wow. I feel such compassion for you! Unfortunately that's all I have to give, I am in a weakened state myself, I'm afraid. My stb ex-husband says the same kind of things to me that yours does, and I am embarrassed to say we have had sex again, even though he has been dating off and on and has made it clear that he doesn't want to reconcile with me. When I'm honest, I think he's just lonely between women. I can't even believe I am doing this! I am so insanely jealous of his partners and his ability to move on. Obviously I am having a lot of trouble breaking away, and I've started thinking that I need to start dating just to made the transition. I honestly don't have a desire -- I just don't want to be alone when he finds the next love of his life! I think the jealousy will kill me. And we too share a wonderful, beloved child who is precious to us both. So, I have to keep seeing him, in some capacity anyway. Moving is alway disorienting, so once you are settled maybe you'll feel more anchored. Again, no advice.... but lots and lots of love, support and compassion.

Lori