I have decided not to speak to my ex unless it concerns the kids. He doesnt bother calling or texting me about them though. He just calls or texts about the money (child support). And of course that conversation always leads to who is to blame for us not being together. That happened tonight, he called my daughters cell phone and wanted to talk to me. I was busy cleaning up and really didnt want to talk to him. My daughter gave me the phone, I asked him what he wanted, he said whats the matter cant get off the couch to talk? I went on how i spent the day taking the kids to doctors appointments over an hour away that I wasnt sitting on the couch i was cleaning up dinner. I told him i took our daughter to the endocrinologist in which he never asks about.. he asked how it went but we got cut off, he calls back and asks if i got money from child support services. (sadly he didnt even ask about his daughters health again). I told him i refuse to talk to him about the support, but ended up telling him that i did not get the full amount not even close and he is supposed to send in what isnt taken out of his check. Well he went on a rampage how he cant afford to blah blah blah.. I told him i refuse to do this, that if he cant afford it to petition the court I am done taking care of his crap for him. I told him the only thing i have to say is that he is getting the kids the next two weekends since he skipped this weekend cause he had a party. He said well you better send food for them to eat.. Are you kidding me??? Our house that he lives in with his brother is a frat house..they have everyone and everybody over there feeding all and he is going to complain about feeding his kids! That wasnt the first time he said it. I told him what i got will barely pay the rent let alone food etc.. well of course he went on about how i wanted to get my own place etc.. um what was i supposed to do, i couldnt afford the mortgage on the house and it would forclose on me and the kids and i would have no where to go, i had to get out. He is the one who chose his drink, freedom from being a father, and his girlfriend. All i am doing is trying to take care of our girls as i have always done. So I just basically said, i will not talk about this with you and hung up. It always seems he texts and calls me when his gf is not around. I had a peaceful two weeks because he didnt take the kids and figured i didnt get any money from child support. You see he expects me to give him back some of the money, in which i said i would (cause i feel bad for everyone even him).. well i havent even got the full amount and he knows that so he did not call looking for money back, but now is looking to see how much i got. There have been times i would call him or text him to see if he was paying because i wasnt getting any money, but i finally decided to wait and let child support do its thing. it may take a while and i am sure i am going to get a nasty call from him when he gets the letter that his license is suspended and his bank account frozen because he is in arrears. I will ignore that call!!
The only thing i need to do is contact child support services cause i think they are off in the amounts he is in arrears. I do not need to talk to him, he knows what he has to do but expects me to fix things for him, well that isnt going to happen!

Hope you stick to what you say. I hope you do not give in to him and give him some of the money that is due to you!

Hang in there!

Take care all
CR

Thanks Cindy...
I will, this has been going on for two years now. He needs to be a little broke.. I used to have to beg him for grocery money and he wouldnt give me money to send the kids to the town day camp or keep their pool going. He did this to himself.. no more ms nice guy.. if he really cant afford it, then he can petition the court.. I had to file for support and go through hell and wait forever to get it..while he went on his outings with his girlfriend and spent money on her.. time to pay the piper.. I tried to be civil and offered to give him money back some money to help him out, but he hasnt done right by his kids.. he said all i care about is the money ( he thinks i spend it on myself, yeah ok like i ever did that). he is the one ******* about the money and not once asking how the kids are. Oh he did have some concerns over our oldest.. oh wait thats right, it was that she needs to get a job that he cant give her money.. He can go cry to his gf if she wont listen cause he cant take her out like he used to, then he can cry to his mommy, who blamed me for his drug abuse (cause i nagged at him to stop) and for his infidelity (cause i wouldnt sleep with the drunken miserable sob for two months) never once helped out with the kids and actually had her hand out (for money he owed her when he divorced his first wife twenty years before) when we sold our first house (that was the kids money she took).. not to mention that she blamed me when her nasty perverted husband came on to me because she hadnt slept with him for 6 YEARS.. sorry that was alot coming out of me lol.. anyway he could cry to her and she will baby her son and make him think he is perfect.
Ok with all that said, i wouldnt think of going back on what i said.

Well done summer, I see some similarities, I told my ex that if there was a settlement I would give him some cash back to help him start another business.

Seems we bend over backwards and they actually dont see it, not one little bit. In the end we have very little option but to get other agencies involved. It has taken me this long to get csa involved but I do feel at peace because it is out of my hands. And yes it was because he was drinking and partying while telling me and crying that he had no money. How incredibly gullible are we???

Good for you. Being considerate doesnt work with some people and they simply want more and more and more.
I hope you can keep it up, let me know if it actually makes it easier for you. This is what we need to do, stop thinking of their needs and do what we can to protect ourselves.
I told my ex its like talking to a wall, he simply doesnt understand or get it. And when he is losing the war on words he reverts to 'its your fault, you chose this, so if its hard, then tough'. Fortunately CSA see it a bit differently.

Money. They put so much value on it and miss all the important things.

Summer, venting is good. I vent and then think I dont even make sense but getting it out is all that counts, all those little wind up niggly things that they are totally oblivious to.....I can stew for hours on things he never even considered, while Im joining the dots. So yes I think we all have those moments when a load of stuff comes out, random but significant to us.

Good on ya!

Thanks Abbey,

Yes when he loses the war on words he does resort to blaming me for everything. So be it. I don't care what he thinks or says about me anymore. I know the truth, and my true friends and family know it too. I am not perfect, but my imperfections wasn't what killed our marriage.
I have a friend whose husband still talks to my ex (they work together sometimes), even though he thinks he is a scumbag for what he did to me and especially the kids. I hear things from them about what he is saying about me, and like I said, I dont care, they know the truth and he disgusts them when he talks about me. My ex actually thinks my friends husband would agree with him. He never agrees, just listens and it gets back to me. It makes me laugh cause he is so stupid to think anyone sympathizes with him besides his mother and people who have no idea what happened except for his side of the story. Like i said i am not perfect and i could have submitted to him and did everything to appease him no matter how bad i felt, as I did for many years, but it came to a point where enough was enough. I remember while looking up divorce lawyers on the internet reading that most divorces happen when one of the spouses controlled the other spouse for years and the controlled spouse inevitably gets to a point where they dont want to be controlled anymore.. and the controlling spouse cannot handle it. That is what happened in my marriage. The drinking and cheating he did was just the topping on the cake.. the cheating was his last resort to get my attention, but it wasn't the attention he wanted. Lately, I have found myself saying to myself " so be it " often. I have had so many bad things happen in this past year (even outside of my marriage) that I have gotten to the point that i realize that there are some things that I cannot control or fix or change and other things that i can control if i put my mind to it. I still have faith in God through all i have been through, I believe what happens is meant to be, but I also know that I cant just sit and do nothing and expect God to fix everything. Oh boy, I rambled on again

Rambling is good because your words ring true.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with the control. I think thats where I arrived. I couldnt cope with the control anymore. I remember telling him 'the one thing you cant control are my thoughts'. thats all I felt I had left of myself.

I also remember swearing at him inside my head. Childish, but it helped me when he was carrying on.

Man, how do we get to these places in our lives. At least we have stood up to be counted even though its an incredibly painful event.

my ex keeps telling me i am the stronger of us both. Its weird hearing him say it knowing he actually believes it. Maybe it is true. In the end maybe we all are, changing things takes strength and courage. Theres an awful lot of that here isnt there, even though we feel like dying inside at times.

We are stronger than we know.

Yes we are stronger. Not cause we wanted to be but because we had to be for the sake of our kids and ourselves (our emotional well being was at stake).
I believe there are many women out there who deal with this and stay in the marriage. I remember my mother in law saying to me that he doesnt go out to bars or cheat and he works hard, you should be thankful to have him. well she failed to mention how he worked so many hours, was never home, when he was home he drank himself until he passed out, paid no attention to me or the kids except to yell at us, not to mention embarrassing all of us with his drunkeness and then cheating(in which she also blamed me for). I have always been a strong person, but years of doing everything to appease him weakened me until i couldnt take it anymore. The strong person inside of me said enough is enough. I rely on that part of myself to carry on with my life now.