I divorced him. Finding out about his girlfriend was the excuse I needed and the final straw. I had been unhappy for awhile.

Men rarely leave their wives. They like to have someone at home taking care of them and the little honey on the side. They have it made so why would they want to leave?

SAM

I'll be filing. Not for selfish reasons though, and there is no one else. Just tired after 20 years of being in a room and having my 'husband' walk through (on the occasions he comes home from bars while we are still awake) and completely ignore us (me and kids) like we are not even there. Lots of people here said they felt more alone when married. Being married to my husband is the loneliest thing in the world. Time to realize my self worth and LIVE life. He has ignored me for so long sometimes I doubt my own existence! But I am here, ready to do what I was meant to do with this life, ready to show my children what love does and doesn't mean, and to teach them to respect others. I give of myself to others, but that doesn't mean that I have to let people who treat me like dirt stay in my life. I think as women are becoming financially independent, we are not so willing to tolerate crap. Thinking of my freedom is what gets me out of bed. Who needs someone to daily remind you that (to them) you are worthless?? Well, I figure we both win. He'll be rid of someone he can't stand, and...so will I!

I filed first. Like Sam in above post, the girlfriend was the final straw. After 32 years of emotional abuse, I was done in.

He filed first. Simply because I didn't have the money. However...when push came to shove, he didn't have the cojones to file the vital statistics paperwork (e.g., the final decree papers) for the finalization of the divorce. I did that part. And wasn't he surprised.

I filed. He was to happy being married during the week and single on the weekends to change a thing about our marriage. His girlfriend was a big factor too. I got tired of being alone.

I filed first!
I found out I had cancer I told him and he reacted by going on a drug binge leaving his job, and bringing drugs to our home.
a year after moving out after I was blindsided with his drug use, and extramarital lifestyle, a ton of women, and various attempts "on my behalf to be-there-for-him" while I dealt with the ongoing illness completely alone. the jerk even told me to wait to get treatment, because he wasn't ready whatever that means. I took the steps and filed for divorce reason mental cruelty.


he is still not responding to the paperwork, although he said he was all for the separation because i didn't understand him as a person.

Wow! What is it with some men? I also had cancer and my husband left me high and dry to take care of myself, our house, and our three children (one of which was 2). He felt it necessary to play golf instead. Yes, he served as a wonderful taxi cab driver to and from the hospital, but did nothing else...Oh wait...he did call his mommy to help out (while he did his own thing). Even after I begged him to take care of me, he wouldn't. He even yelled at me when I said I was tired. Ugh! Pure selfishness. Apparently, I was getting in the way of his fun.

That has been a big hurdle for me. My husband had been very controlling a manipulative, but that sent me over the top...never got over it. I finally file, and THEN he decided it was time for counseling...Flash forward one year of counseling...still feel the same. I want to refile.
I want peace...I want to get on with my life.

wait your took you to the hospital and to appointments? same with the mom's though :( except mine called my mom and dad and said "I don't want to be her slave so take care of her." the slave comment is just a huge slap in the face seeing how I worked 60 hours plus a week while he sat at home "looking for work...found out later the loser was online chatting up women telling them he was some high class executive...did I mention his guy friends found my phone in his cell and started calling me to give me the reality check, telling me your better than our loser friend! Akward and embarrasing, having people you don't really know telling you all your husband is doing behind your back.

is it weird that now I see my illness as a blessing, had I not been put into such a ridiculous explosive situation, I wonder would I had stayed with the jerk forever compromising everything I want for my life...because truth be told everything I wanted in a man and out of life in general was completely the opposite of what I had with him. Change is hard, it took me 1 1/2 years of waking up crying and screaming, from all the anger and frustration of having to deal with so much alone, my husband did the same "chose fun". I got everything else, the cancer/thebills/the eviction, because My husband was out partying and I was deciding if the money I had left over should go towards chemo or rent./moving boxes and storage etc...and of course peoples questions, constant questions and looks of pity which only made me angrier.
When my husband heard I was losing my hair from the chemo, he sent me an instant message and offered to meet me at a motel to shave my head.

and I realized...

Life's too short to wait another month married to this exhausting excuse of a man. Not one more breath for him, not one more and so I got my Bald headed, tear stained, undereye circled faced self up and filed for divorce.

GOOD FOR YOU LILLY!!!!!
It seems that more and more you hear storied of how the men in our lives bail when we need them the most. I think it is because they can not handle life. My ex checked out on me when I needed him the most. I have Crohn's and battled time and time again just to make it through the day. Some days the pain was so bad I literally crawled out of bed and down the steps, downed my pain killers just so I could make it through the day. I worked 40 hours, took care of two children, cleaned the house and made the a$$ dinner every night. I would spend hours throwing up in the bathroom, lost 12 lbs one week because everything I ate came right back up. I was living hell on earth. Had surgery to save my life, 33 staples & 5 metal clips later I get attitude for my husband because he has to get up during the game to get my son a bottle. I had to take my baby up the steps to bed because he refused to take him and I needed to use the restroom. First I wasn't allowed to hold anything heaver than a bag os sugar and second I wasn't allow to climb the steps. I ended up peeing my pants lol ( I can laugh now, but with a bitter taste in my mouth) I had to go to the drs the next day because my staples started bleeding and one of my clips bent...did he feel bad? No, he was mad at me for getting the surgery in the first place. That's when I realized he was selfish and would never change. I only stayed with him then because I needed his $ ( rotten I know but I couldn't work for months after that) Then I stayed a little longer because I was afraid of how it would effect my children, my family and lets be honest it was easier to stay then to leave. I am soooooooooooooooooo glad I finally grew balls and filed.

it's a difficult decision, especially when their is illness, or kids involved. I don't wish that type of stress on anyone.

I put myself aside to make him happy
I can't deny the fact that I filed first amongst other reasons because it was my closure to the biggest mistake of my life. I chose to take control of my life again.

I still believe in marriage, I just rushed into a bad marriage with the wrong guy, I ignored all the warning signs.

I had to go against every instinct in my being to file for divorce, because I realized that my logic was distorted
people kept telling me divorce is not from God, you have to show him love, he's just stressed out.

this little voice inside me said..

"In order to love this man, have you given up loving yourself, everything you are and believe in, and would God want that for you? God's plans are for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope"

I'm not saying that you should go by this
but it gave me PEACE remembering to breath again, to love myself and guard my heart first...helped me figure out what the best decision was...

sometimes it takes stepping back and taking it all in to figure it out.

Sorry to have such a long and complicated answer to a simple question, but here goes:

We still haven't filed, but as far as who initiated the divorce, we have told everyone it was mutual. What really happened is that over 20 years time he told me several times he was unhappy, saying he thought it was because of me/us, and then later taking it back and seemingly recommitting himself to married life. He had at least one affair that I could prove and that he had to admit, but lots of emotional affairs now that I look back. Then counseling followed by a lovely 2 year "honeymoon" where we were madly in love and we were both equally kind and considerate and relaxed...(this after the affair discovery, and after 18 years married). Really they were the only good 2 years of our whole time together! Then things returned to normal which meant that once again I was on his nerves --all the time, it felt, and nothing I said was right. It was after a particularly frustrating cross-examination about the way I had looked at him or cleared my throat or something, that I asked, sobbing, "When is it going to get easy?" His reply, "So you want a divorce?" Me: "Maybe we just need to move into a duplex and each have our own space?" Admittedly a lame way of deflecting the harshness of the moment. Thinking this was just one of many rough spots, nothing pivotal, I left the room to take a shower. By the time I got out he had calmly started making plans for our divorce. He started sharing the details with me, even mentioning that when he heard me singing in the shower he knew that I was as happy about our decision as he was. Huh? I had gotten in the shower under the impression I had smoothed things over! I stood there thinking, "Am I going to tell him that's not what I meant and once again pull this back from the brink?" Time seemed to stand still and it was then that I realized that divorce was unavoidable. I think he was grateful that I was the one who finally 'suggested we get a divorce'. But I didn't! I've actually never told this story to anyone before. I know it was the right thing to end our marriage, even though I am very, very sad about it. I'm sure one day soon I will be able to really appreciate my freedom. My divorce challenges seemed to have really started now that we are trying to figure out how to interact post-separation. Since one or the other of us has to initiate the process, I tell him that the burden for filing should be on him since he is entering into new relationships. Just sayin!

BTW, I also had cancer and continued to work, cook, clean and take care of our daughter as I went through surgery and radiation. My husband would occasionally ask "are you ok?" but other than that nothing changed. He did, however, make sure to mention my cancer to others whenever possible. When I woke up with night terrors about dying and leaving our child motherless, he was downright irritable, muttering "the dr. said they got it all" and rolling back to sleep. Since I seemed to function as normal, what's the problem, right? It was for my small child that I was acting like nothing was wrong, being as strong as possible and not interrupting the routine. I needed another adult partner to at least share the load, but nothing. And this from a guy who will stay in bed all day with a cold! So very, very lonely and scary. And we hung in for 10 more years!

Rock on, strong women!

Lori

ok so how did you get a hold of my diary'?!?! except for the kids it's like taking a page out of my journals.

Our husbands must be related I swear ;)

There is a lot of women here with illnesses, stress does make you very sick
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There are a lot of states which will give you assistance for divorcing based on abandoment, (especially if you have evidence of illness), If your husband is seeing someone and refusing to file first or playing games with you about when it will happen, and what's stopping you is mostly the money to divorce, you can call the courthouse in your state and they will send you to the probono divorce attorneys when you explain to them your situation, and they will help.

you usually have to go on a list for the divorce but only takes a few weeks of waiting to begin the proceedings.



and honey, excuse my language but your husband will eventually find out that KARMA IS A B!t@H WITH HEELS...


you reap what you sow! so let it go and take care of you now and your kids.