it's a difficult decision, especially when their is illness, or kids involved. I don't wish that type of stress on anyone.

I put myself aside to make him happy
I can't deny the fact that I filed first amongst other reasons because it was my closure to the biggest mistake of my life. I chose to take control of my life again.

I still believe in marriage, I just rushed into a bad marriage with the wrong guy, I ignored all the warning signs.

I had to go against every instinct in my being to file for divorce, because I realized that my logic was distorted
people kept telling me divorce is not from God, you have to show him love, he's just stressed out.

this little voice inside me said..

"In order to love this man, have you given up loving yourself, everything you are and believe in, and would God want that for you? God's plans are for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope"

I'm not saying that you should go by this
but it gave me PEACE remembering to breath again, to love myself and guard my heart first...helped me figure out what the best decision was...

sometimes it takes stepping back and taking it all in to figure it out.

Sorry to have such a long and complicated answer to a simple question, but here goes:

We still haven't filed, but as far as who initiated the divorce, we have told everyone it was mutual. What really happened is that over 20 years time he told me several times he was unhappy, saying he thought it was because of me/us, and then later taking it back and seemingly recommitting himself to married life. He had at least one affair that I could prove and that he had to admit, but lots of emotional affairs now that I look back. Then counseling followed by a lovely 2 year "honeymoon" where we were madly in love and we were both equally kind and considerate and relaxed...(this after the affair discovery, and after 18 years married). Really they were the only good 2 years of our whole time together! Then things returned to normal which meant that once again I was on his nerves --all the time, it felt, and nothing I said was right. It was after a particularly frustrating cross-examination about the way I had looked at him or cleared my throat or something, that I asked, sobbing, "When is it going to get easy?" His reply, "So you want a divorce?" Me: "Maybe we just need to move into a duplex and each have our own space?" Admittedly a lame way of deflecting the harshness of the moment. Thinking this was just one of many rough spots, nothing pivotal, I left the room to take a shower. By the time I got out he had calmly started making plans for our divorce. He started sharing the details with me, even mentioning that when he heard me singing in the shower he knew that I was as happy about our decision as he was. Huh? I had gotten in the shower under the impression I had smoothed things over! I stood there thinking, "Am I going to tell him that's not what I meant and once again pull this back from the brink?" Time seemed to stand still and it was then that I realized that divorce was unavoidable. I think he was grateful that I was the one who finally 'suggested we get a divorce'. But I didn't! I've actually never told this story to anyone before. I know it was the right thing to end our marriage, even though I am very, very sad about it. I'm sure one day soon I will be able to really appreciate my freedom. My divorce challenges seemed to have really started now that we are trying to figure out how to interact post-separation. Since one or the other of us has to initiate the process, I tell him that the burden for filing should be on him since he is entering into new relationships. Just sayin!

BTW, I also had cancer and continued to work, cook, clean and take care of our daughter as I went through surgery and radiation. My husband would occasionally ask "are you ok?" but other than that nothing changed. He did, however, make sure to mention my cancer to others whenever possible. When I woke up with night terrors about dying and leaving our child motherless, he was downright irritable, muttering "the dr. said they got it all" and rolling back to sleep. Since I seemed to function as normal, what's the problem, right? It was for my small child that I was acting like nothing was wrong, being as strong as possible and not interrupting the routine. I needed another adult partner to at least share the load, but nothing. And this from a guy who will stay in bed all day with a cold! So very, very lonely and scary. And we hung in for 10 more years!

Rock on, strong women!

Lori

ok so how did you get a hold of my diary'?!?! except for the kids it's like taking a page out of my journals.

Our husbands must be related I swear ;)

There is a lot of women here with illnesses, stress does make you very sick
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There are a lot of states which will give you assistance for divorcing based on abandoment, (especially if you have evidence of illness), If your husband is seeing someone and refusing to file first or playing games with you about when it will happen, and what's stopping you is mostly the money to divorce, you can call the courthouse in your state and they will send you to the probono divorce attorneys when you explain to them your situation, and they will help.

you usually have to go on a list for the divorce but only takes a few weeks of waiting to begin the proceedings.



and honey, excuse my language but your husband will eventually find out that KARMA IS A B!t@H WITH HEELS...


you reap what you sow! so let it go and take care of you now and your kids.

That made me laugh. My ex stayed in bed all day because he had a headache. Heck I could only wish to stay in bed for a half hour when I have one.....MEN!