Until recently, I had been entertaining the fantasy that my stbx will wake up and realize what he has given up, and come back. The fact is, most of the 20 years together I was not even happy with him; he just couldn't seem to be kind to me unless other people were watching. Everything was about him. But still I had that dream.

I thought I was in the acceptance phase of this process, but now knowing that he is actively seeking a new partner seemed to throw gasoline on that every so slightly smoldering fire. Jealousy is not just painful, but very dangerous. It can be blinding. My mind knows it won't work, it never did. But still the "wife" in me is still crying "Choose me -- I'm the only one who really knows you" and other nonsense. I know this is just a phase and someday soon, I hope, I will wonder how in the world I ever felt this way.

I have stopped praying that my stbx (20 yrs) will wake up. You know, even if he does, I wouldn't take him back. All these years he never cared, he never will. I keep reminding myself it is not me that is unlovable, it is him incapable of loving. I know this for sure because I see how he treats our kids...just like me. Ignores them, walks past them like they are not there, does fun things with his friends they would love to be included in but he leaves them behind. I think our kids are awesome!! I love watching them grow up, spending time with them, etc. he misses out on ALL of it. If he can't see this in them, how on earth could I expect him to see it in me? He has mental problems, can't hold hatred towards someone whose brain doesn't function properly. He doesn't deserve the choice between you or someone else. I used to give mine the choice between me or whatever he's doing. Now the choice is no longer his, I have made my choice and it's getting away from him! And seriously...good riddance!

I agree with Strong spirit. I had that dream too but I have realized that it will never come true and that i had that dream for 20 years while being married to him! One day he will wake up and see what he has, one day he will pay attention.. he never did.
I gave him a choice to leave his gf, stop drinking and go to counseling... he said no, it was more the drinking that he didnt want to give up, the gf was just extra.. I realized at that time that I was done with him.
Last weekend i dropped the kids off and picked up some old photos (some from when we first met) I got a little sentimental, but then I watched him go over to the couch to lie down, missed the couch by a half a foot, hit the coffee table, laugh then plopped on the couch. He was drunk as usual, and i thought to myself, i would never go back to that in a million years.
My oldest even told me that she stopped in one weekend while his gf was there, she said they were laying on the couch and he was sloppy and hanging on the gf and the gf was like leave me alone, lol she can have him.

Its the death of a dream.. the death of marriage, the death of being part of something.. to me it is not him I miss. The "wife" in me only misses being in a relationship. At my age (43) most of the people i know are married and I feel left out. I went out with married friends to one of those haunted places and felt like a third wheel. They are very kind to me, but I just feel like I am so alone sometimes. I was seeing someone, but he was younger and had major jealousy issues that I had to end it. I get depressed because i want to show my ex that i can get along just fine without him, that i can get a good job and be in a good relationship with someone else and be ok.. but none of those things have happened and i feel like, why? why does he get to have those things and i dont? yeah this is one of my bad days.

When we married we all had a vision of how a marriage should be. Mine was NEVER that way. Sure we had a few good days, weeks, maybe months, but my stbx never did treat me the way I deserve to be treated. He was far too busy worrying about himself. Now that he has screwed me financially and messed with my kids he is free to be free and do whatever the h*** he wants to do, when he wants to, etc.

I know how you feel. I always want him to tell me he loves me and wants us to stop the divorce process. But the truth is that I no longer want him!
It's strange, I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him either.

Isn't it funny how that works? My ex and I have been divorced for 9 months now, and he is with the woman for whom he decided to abandon me. But his health is suffering, he has started drinking and taking prescription painkillers, and she is escalating in her passive aggression towards me and my kids, dragging him along for the ride.

Pathetic. I care about him, but she could turn up her toes tomorrow and I wouldn't turn a hair.

And really, I think the main reason I still care about him is because of all our history together (25 years knowing each other, together for 18, married for 15), and because his health affects the kids.

Now, that hits the nail on the head! Evidently I wasn't able to make him happy, but I'll be ****ed if someone else is going to!

For me this is the most difficult part of the break-up -- imagining him with another woman, when I am so far away from being able to even imagine intimacy with someone else. And another woman even talking to my child -- makes me nuts! This must be some primal thing, because I feel very much like I felt when he cheated on me during our marriage. And we are trying to stay "friends". Which was going along fine until I found out he was dating.

Yup, the jelousy is a killer. Cant explain it. I could have him back and havent, but the jealousy has made me insane and run my entire waking day. I know in general their relationship is very bad, she is insecure about me (with very good reason) and he treats her in ways he wouldnt have dared treat me. Even so, I cant bare it at times.
I want him to be alone while I live my life. Crazy beyond words, totaly irrational, Im human, these are my feelings and im just hoping they go away one day. Im not proud of these feelings they just are what they are.

Im thinking this just has to be part of the process because when we were together I remember thinking if he ran off with someone, Id feel sorry for her, lols.
I think in my selfish way Im glad he is with her rather than with someone else because she is a liability and the relationship is crap. I have a perverse satisfaction knowing this.
We all have our dark side.

You know exactly how I feel, Abbey!

After years of his unhappiness being married to me, I also used to think "Just go find this perfect woman that I am apparently not - and good riddance!", and now I lose sleep worrying that he will do just that. The more this drags on, the more I am convinced that my many years as a long-suffering, faithful wife has set these feelings of jealousy and betrayal into motion. A biological reaction. My therapist says that when one has given everything she possibly can to a marriage, this is the natural reaction. Also explains why he is able to move on -- he didn't give everything he had, and thinks things failed just because he chose the wrong partner. Oh yeah, and on top of it, he says he still loves me. And I wonder why I am confused?!

This is such a roller coaster, and I never know what emotion is around the corner. Since these ugly feelings seemed to come out of nowhere, maybe I'll soon be surprised by a feeling of peace and acceptance. I hope the same for you!

Just remember ladies...these men are not the new and improved men on the market....They are the same old men that loved us just the same way many years ago...They have not changed. Sure, things are new and different, but in time... things will wain back to a routine lifestyle. He will age, she will age, there is no fairytale ending for anyone...especially cheaters....oh, they will get what they want by cheating, but they will not always want what they get. They will even talk themselves into believing what they did was worth it all...but do you really think building a relationship on lies, secrets and
treating your own wife cruelly etc....is every girls dream man. It's not the type of relationship I would want. It is natural to get jealous at times, but soon you will be over them and to busy with your own life to even care if he is still with her or not. I know what my ex is like. I knew him for over 20 years and I know even more about him now through this divorce and it wasn't pretty by no means and this girl will be okay with him as long as he is getting what he wants form her and I'm sure he will be okay with her as long as she is getting what she wants...But either way, for me, I want nothing these people have...like I always say, you can cover garbage with all the glitter you want and it still stinks underneath where it counts....Let them go and live again....you all deserve it.

Susan

Amen! Reading all the posts on this topic remind me of what I know is true. So many things resonated with me. I know that spending the time getting to know and love myself is far more valuable and peaceful than the drama and highs and lows of jumping right back in to find the next one. If I have love again, it will not be based on an illusion.

Good luck to everyone -- I hope we all have more and more good days than bad

My husband of 7 yrs and I have just signed the divorce docs. He left me 2 mos after we had our 1st child. For 2 mos he was gone and then he came back home and said that he wanted to try to save our marriage. Because I hadn't yet stopped loving him and bc we now have a child, I wanted to give him a chance. Also, I chose to believe that he only left bc he was suffering from depression (he had a history of it) I took in back and everyday was a struggle bc he would flip flop from wanting to be there and wanting to leave. I sat with him for hrs each nite and listened to him talk about his feelings and everyday he told me he felt better and that we would make it. Then 1 month after he had been home, the only nite that I had left the house for a few drinks w some friends, I came home and he told me he was leaving me again! I have sinced learned that he had been having an affair with his 23 yr employee and he was already living it her!!!! It drives me crazy that I gave so much and worked so hard to make him successful, and that little girl will reap all the rewards. The worst is that the girl he is with now, has also known me for yrs! She came to my baby shower and has even come to my home to visit my baby!