Womans Divorce Forum
Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
hey Lisa,
I wrote a long reply last night and then it wouldnt post because my internet was playing up 
Yes I know all about the 'charm', my ex is quite a looker and he can be the most charming man in the world, women seem to que up for him. I think they like the devilish streak and want to be the one to tame him. Boy are they in for a surprise as that devilish streak will zap the life out of them.
My son would also like mum and dad back together, I have told him it will not happen but ever the optimist he tells me 'well you cant say that mum because you just never know'. Bless.
It struck me that the distance thing could be playing a major part. Your son loves his dad but in order to see his dad he has to endure a few elements of unpleasantness, the g/f's girls, the bad mouthing etc. You are clearly your sons rock and when things feel a bit unsafe you are there for him. I am wondering if the distance plays on his mind, that if things upset him at dads you are 'far away'. I dont know how you would put this to the test (a process of elimination to find the source of stomach aches)but I wonder if you were close by when he has contact if his stomach ache would start? Just a thought. With you he is secure it sounds as though things are not quite so when he's with dad.
Im struggling with the seemingly vastly different approaches to law and children in our countries. From reading on here it almost seems that the parents have more rights than the children when it comes to contact.
When there is disagreement over contact we can use CAFCASS to mediate. An officer will spend time with the child and find out what the child wants. The cafcass officer is basically a representative of the child and not the parents. The report will be submitted to the court and is presented as what is in the best interest of the child.
If the stomach aches are directly linked to seeing dad then obviously the contact or something about the contact is haveing an emotional effect on your son. Over here we would seriously look at this and try to find the cause and then put provisions in place to address the problem. Abuse can take many forms and emotional and psychological abuse are taken seriously. It may be that your ex just does not fully understand the implications or doesn't want to!
When there are concerns regarding contact we can ask for things to be put in place, for a fact we take people to court because of the bad mouthing and inappropriate things said in front of children. You have already asked decently that they don't say these things in front of your children, they have blatantly ignored you. I'm finding it difficult getting my head round your legal system when it comes to children but are you able to see your solicitor and raise your concerns asking her to write to them explaining that it is firstly inappropriate but more importantly emotionally damaging to your children. Are you able to say through your solicitor that contact will be stopped unless this is rectified?
Would the threat alone be enough?
If contact is upsetting to children and it can be proven then we put things in place to improve matters, this might mean reducing contact for a time, or putting specific conditions in place. Its not about stopping contact per se but improving the quality and sometimes looking at rebuilding parent child relationships (of course the responsibility for change lies with the parent and not the child).
Have you asked your son to be a bit of a detective and help you figure his stomach ache out? If he is involved from a different standpoint it might help. Ask him to help you by making a note of what happened just before the stomach ache started. Whatever is happening just before the onset is probably the key. Does he have stomach ache throughout the contact? Does it only start before he returns home? Was there an argument at his dads just before it started?
Knowing what precedes the stomach ache could answer quite a lot, so getting him involved is important. can you tell him its a very important job and you wonder if he is up to the challenge, because its like being a detective and doctor all in one. Can you give him a small note pad and ask him to just jot down the time and place when the stomach ache begins? Ask him if he can think of the last thing that happened or was said just before he noticed the ache. Children love to be part of a solution and getting them on board can be very helpful.
Is any of this a possibility? Lisa, where there's a will there's a way, sometimes we just have to keep looking. Let me know your thoughts.
Again thank you so much for taking the time to respond. The system here SUCKS! I feel like I am swimming up river all the time when it comes to protecting my children.
My ex was NOT stable when we first split, he was hospitalized he was to be seeing a therapist. His dr told me "Im not sure what path to advise you to take, (Joe's) walking a fine line between sane and insane. It's a waiting game to see if his anger pulls him towards insane." OKAY So why a judge would even give him rights to see my children is beyond me. But it happened, ( not legal to use a statement made by a dr unless it is written)I fought and fought but then realized that they do need him and he needed them too. I fought for them. There was no over nights and all visits were supervised at first. Then it went to 1 over night a month supervised at his parents house. Now almost 2 years later it's the normal 2 weekends a month. The same judge that ordered supervised visits also ordered counseling for my ex. I was to be given monthly reports from his therapist via attorneys and NEVER got a single report. At our last hearing in Aug the judge ( a different one) decided it was "digging up old issues" to even talk about it and she herself decided that my ex "seems to be fairly quite well with out counseling. I do not feel the need to further burden him..."
I was quite P*SSED! In the county I lived it is a "father's right " county. I think it should be children's rights every where not mother vs. father. You asked about the system and i had to answer how I felt
My son and I actually had a GREAT talk last night. He had talked to his Dad on the phone and suddenly his belly started hurting. I asked him out right if it had anything to do with talking to his Dad and he just shrugged his shoulders. Then we just started talking about everything. He is upset about the trip, it is hard on him he feels like their time is being cut short because of the drive. He said that the girls are always around and if they (the girls) don't want to do something exp:fishing, walks or throwing the football then they don't do it. He said he asked his Dad if they could do something just the 3 of them and he said he would see. He told my son that " The girls are a part of my new lif you are going to have to get used to them being around" Why on earth would you do that to your child???????
Also Lisa (yes my ex has a gf with my name, makes it easier on him if he keep us all named alike, no mistakes in bed
) has talked to my son about maybe moving there. She told him that she did it with her daughter. a month on a month off....LIKE HELL! I bit my lip through the whole talk, to the point of blood. I was so angry that he would do this to my boy. THe think that gets me most, he doesn't want my youngest. Never does my ex talk about my youngest. I told my son "Don't you ever think of leaving me, I love you too much to just give up. Your brother needs you too, We are family, the three of us"
So I have pin pointed the problem. I am going to see how all goes this weekend when he has them. COme monday if my baby cries his belly hurts. I will take him to the dr. Document it every time he comes home sick...then I will be calling my lawyer and seeing what I can do to protect my son. Not just physically but mentally to. I just don't know what else to do but love him and show him that I do care. And fight for him.
Lisa,
Your thoughts ditto mine. I would do it all ovr again because I have been blessed with 2 great kids-I'd have ended it sooner, though 
How old are your boys?
9 and 6. They fight, they mouth, they make mess after mess after mess..they drive me NUTS! But I wouldn't have it any other way. 
When they come to me crying, smiling or are just plain being brats I LOVE being their Mommy.
How old are yours?
Abbey I myself was beyond shocked! I went into the court room very confident. I have EVERY document I needed to prove 1) he was unstable 2) he was threatening me and 3) his anger issues I walked out in disbelief that a judge ( a woman none the less) would just throw out everything I had and give him what he wanted. The first judge that heard the case had supervised visitations with counseling as an ORDER. But his lady just threw it all out.
During the end of our trial when you are asked if you have anything to add I think I blew it with this woman from here on out because I flat out told her how I felt. I just stated the truth. " When my ex goes off the deep end like the mental health doctor from the clinic thinks he will they can call you as a character witness for him since he is 'so' sane in your eyes"
Yeah my attorney said I really shouldn't have done that but I just told him that maybe he could defend my ex if he though I was wrong. I have HAD it with the system here it is so unfair.
It is just going down hill. THis weekend my son came back sick again. My ex was yelling at me for not taking him to the dr this past week. My son WAS NOT SICK ALL WEEK except for Tuesday when he talked to his Dad. I asked my son what was going on and he told me he was upset because Daddy got rid of his ferret this weekend. The girls didn't want to take care of it so OW told my ex it had to go. Well dipsh*it shouldn't have gotten my son a ferret or any other pet at his house unless HE was going to take care of it. Also he promised my son that they would finally get his dirt bike painted and put back together this weekend and of course again OW didn't want to stay at his mother so that they could get it done they didn't. It is just another example of how he puts OW and her kids first. Heck he and OW dropped my kids off at my ex's mother and went shopping. like he can't go any other time. HE has his kids 6 days a month and he leaves them and goes Christmas shopping?!? UGH It is never going to end with this man! My poor son is so confused and so hurt I don't even know where to begin on how much I HATE my ex for doing this to him. I wish he would either GROW UP or GO AWAY so that I can raise my son in a happy solid loving household.