I can really relate, we are certainly in similar situations! It is horrible having them around but not being able to make a move. When your life is in such a precarious balance, who knows what a move will do, will it just shift the balance or send everything crashing? So hard and scary to think about. We stay strong for our kids but we are killing ourselves in the process. I can only imagine what 20 years of chronic stress has done to my body. I don't get the panic attacks anymore, Ia m pretty much numb. I am up late tonight and he came up from his hole in the ground (he lives in my basement). I think he noticed the lights and saw me. I didn't turn to look. My old instinct would be to yell at him what are you leaving? Are you off to the bars? Going to get high? But the urge to yell at him wasn't there. I heard him get a drink of water in the kitchen and thought I bet he was going to leave and now he is pretending he was thirsty so I don't yell at him (not going to yell at him, we haven't spoken in almost 2 months and I have no desire to do so). Know what I did? I turned off the living room lights and brought my laptop up to my room! I thought tom myself 'you want to leave? Don't let me stop you.' Responding to other posts, I sure have had more than my share of 'I wish he'd just die' thoughts. Why is he so protected he can drive drunk and high for SO many years and get away with it??? Just crash into a tree and die already! But, God has his reasons so I know my job is not to worry about him but to focus on myself. I use songs for inspiration, too. I also turn to God a lot, keep praying for peace in my heart and to let it go and to trust God and His timing. If I didn't have this firm belief that all will be OK I don't know what I'd do it's hard enough as it is. I have spoken to 3 different lawyers, each very condescending and quite frankly rude. So I wait. I am trying to get things in order and prepare myself. No more warnings or threats to him it's coming. Just one day when I am ready (this is something I can control since he is too lazy to do it himself) I will serve him with the papers. He has no conscience whatsoever. I don't even hate him now I think, I just want him to disappear and leave me alone so I can live. Everything about him disgusts me. And to top it off I work with someone who has a serious personality disorder, she gives me the creeps and I feel I should be ready to call security if she just snaps one day. Just wish I had a safe place to breathe now and then. But we keep going, right? The alternative is not an option.

I have to say my situation is not as bad as yours,but i do sometimes wish his brakes would fail or something like that. He doesn't do drugs and drinks only a couple times a week. Although he does smoke that K2 **** and I told him he needs to stop that cause I don't want to have to take care of him too. But anyways..... I'm sorry for the situation you are in. I do hope it gets better. I'm doing what I know I can right now to eventually leave him and that is getting my education. I just know that in order for me to get the job I need to become independent is gonna take another three years and I don't want to wait that long. I just wish there was a quicker way out of this situation.

If your situation is not as bad as mine you can make it! I went back to school for 4 years starting when my daughter was 3 and my son was 9. I earned my degree in the biological sciences (actually, double majored). I cried everyday on the ay there, everyday on the way home and sometimes at school! I asked myself why I was doing it and wanted to quit. I had to put my daughter on teh toilet while she was sleeping and dress her as she slept on to get her to daycare (long commute) before my early class (second long commute). If I got 3 hours of sleep it was a blessing! But I NEVER GAVE UP. Because this was my ticket out. TRUE, I am still here, but of course he was threatened by this and was 'trying' on and off after I graduated (I actually thought he respected me more for doing it and for working instead of being at home). I was so emotionally drained and physically exhausted I took his attempts as a break, as buying time. But now I know if I want to leave I have a job. I could get one that pays twice as much as I make now if I changed the area I work in, would just mean longer commute (believe me, after those 4 years I wanted no more of traffic!). So if you think you can tolerate it, keep going with school. Get that education. Look at it as earning your way out. I don't cry about him anymore. Sometimes I cry when I get overwhelmed with memories, but I don't cry about anything he does now. I used to think if I wasn't sure what to do regarding divorce, then do nothing until I am sure. Now I know for sure it is over, it is just a matter of getting things in order in terms of educating myself about the process, getting documents together, and finding a trustworthy lawyer (is this possible???) Anyway, 3 years will go by fast. My only advice for going to school while you have kids...don't send them away from you. My biggest guilt came when I would say 'not now, I'm studying' or when I'd pass up a weekend activity and have them entertain themselves while I wrote a paper. If I put off the work, it will still be there a couple of hours later, unemotional about being left on the desk. But my kids? They will grow up. they will remember the hurt of being put aside. i told myself they are way more important than grades and you know what I did just as well this way as I did the there, I just learned to work more efficiently! Good luck with everything, believe in yourself and your abilities, and know you will get free and be happy!

I was married for 11 years. stay at home Mom for the last 6 years. I have Crohn's and sometimes it's hard to hole a job when you throw up all the time or have to take days off for treatments...but I am surviving. I have a good job, great understanding employer and the child support helps. I do not have an education, was scheduled to start classes in September but had to back out because my attorney fees are too much and I can't pay for school. My saving went to attorney fees and now I'm living pay to pay. It's worth it though because I am finally free.

Lisa

I had taken loans out while my stbx was living with me. I got my associates, but I have an $18,000 college loan to pay for now and I dont have my stbx's income to pay for it. Hopefully I can get some money for it in the divorce settlement if he ever files for divorce. But when he moved out, I got financial aid for the last semester of school. So if you are not living with your husband, you should be able to get financial aid too.

"I am still the mother AND father, do handy-man work around my house, and make every decision: I really feel like the only thing he does is make money, which is big because I can't make any."

That was and is my life. I was inferior because i could not make as much money as he did. He doesnt have a degree and barely made it thru high school, but being a man, he can get labor work that pays. I have my associates degree now but still can't get a good paying job. I need to go for my bachelors, but have been putting it off because I want to find a job and dont know if i can handle both. I did classes online for my associates (mainly because he would have never let me leave the house for classes). I am debating now whether to continue online or go to classes. Problem I have is that the only time i can go to class is during the day when kids are in school, but I will be back at work at least by January, so i wont be able to take day classes then. I could go back to online college, but I worry if a bachelors from an online college will be good enough to get a better paying job.