Womans Divorce Forum
Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
I am curious of how many of us on here were/are stay at home moms.
I was a stay at home mom for 18 years, except for working the tax season 5 months a year for 13 years
(if you need tax advise let me know
).
I always worked here and there since my first daughter was born, but it was always around his schedule so we didnt have to get child care. Doing taxes was perfect for me because i set my own hours. Although i had to pay daycare for my two youngest for quite a few years, the money i made paid for it, and when they were all in school I didnt need daycare and it was good extra money. Although my stbx would tell everyone that he paid for the child care so I can get out of the house.. i paid for it.. he hated me working, and made it clear that it should not interfere with his job. He had to watch them on sundays (the one day he didnt work) and ******* about it every time, and alot of the time he would work and i would have to find and pay someone to watch them. One day with his kids was just too much 5 months out of the year. But thank God I never gave in to him and now have that experience. Now we are separated and i have moved out, he is supposed to pay me child support and alimony because i did not make alot of income and didnt work all year long. Problem is he isnt paying the full amount and while i receive unemployment when not working, it just isnt enough to pay for living expenses. I am trying to find another job that is all year long but it is difficult to find one that pays enough. I still need child care although my kids are older, they cannot be left home alone for reasons beyond the scope of this post. By the time i pay taxes and child care I would be left with less than what i get on unemployment. I do have an interview next week in which i told the prospective employer that i needed a certain amount of pay to work for them. He was ok with it, but I am still uncertain. the job is an hour away which means gas, more child care time, and God forbid the kids get sick or something. so even if it pays 100 more a week than unemployment even with paying taxes and child care, is it really worth it? coming home at 6-630 at night, helping kids with homework, dinner etc?? I will be exhausted. I will go to the interview and see what they have to offer. It may be worth it in the long run depending on what they are offering. My tax job is trying to find work for me outside the tax season (they know my situation, dont want to lose me and are willing to work with me regarding the kids). I am waiting to hear from them on what they have to offer me. If they can pay me more than unemployment and i wouldnt have to pay for child care cause i would be home when the kids are, i will take it. even if they don't have much work over the summer. I can handle getting unemployment for two months but not 7 months. My stbx does not understand this. He has to realize that he kept me home all these years and i just cant go back to work now making enough money to support me and the girls. Believe me i would rather not rely on his support, after so many years of hearing how he works so hard ( i did nothing according to him and his family, i guess staying at home with the kids and doing everything so he could come home and drink was doing nothing..umm did anyone see what a stay at home mom would earn if it was a paying job??) yeah ok i sat home eating bon bons everyday watching soap operas, I didnt have time to sit around and God forbid i got sick! Anyway i guess i am just venting out and a bit nervous about what to do about the job situation. I was afraid to ask the prospective employer how much the pay was, but i had to..didnt want to drive an hour for an interview that I wouldnt be able to accept the job if it was offered to me. I thank God that at least i am getting unemployment and i have my tax job to go back to. Sometimes i think i should just do that and let child support services get on him to pay me the money, but then i think i am being selfish (why? idk) plus i would feel better if i didnt have to rely on him. I just dont want to struggle and work 5 days a week and do everything else too just to save him money. On top of it, he hasnt been working as much since child support kicked in, and even tho he says it is the economy, i am sure he is making it a point not to take any overtime. after all, he only took it for his own selfish pride and didnt want to be home doing things with us, now he wants time off to spend getting drunk and being with his girlfriend. He could have worked one saturday when it was his weekend with the kids (of course could not get anyone to watch the kids for him even though his family is right there) he said, "it doesnt matter, i would rather stay with the kids than work, should have done it all these years" sounds like an epiphany ya think? only he did not spend any time with the kids when they were there, just got drunk let them run around the neighborhood,etc. his roommates were playing games with them while he laid on the couch. He just doesnt take the overtime cause he knows he would just have to hand the money over to me. Like i am living a life of luxury here, still trying to figure out how to pay my rent this week. Its hard enough living all these years with him and feeling like crap for not making money while he got idolized for it, and now not being able to make it on my own and having him and his family say I am money hungry.. are you kidding me?? I would do anything to get a decent paying job so i wouldnt have to ask him for a penny! The reason i cant is cause he insisted i stay home with our children!! I never was lazy and worked my whole life, they seem to forget that.. when he made barely nothing and put us into debt because of his drug habits and trying to open his own business (while on drugs).. i worked to help pay the bills and lived on nothing and never complained about not having money, he didnt always make money, but they all forget that. He started to drink heavily and see the other woman when i went against his wishes and went back to school to get a degree (i even did it online so he didnt have to watch the kids or pay child care). I did get my associates and need to go back for my bachelors, but i have to see what happens with my job situation, i cant put more on my plate just yet. Sorry ladies, I just needed to vent and wanted to know if other women are experiencing this.
Because I left. It didn't matter to the court that I had GOOD reason to leave. The judge said that I should have never left my ex with out him knowing where I was. Plus my ex cried that I refused to let him talk to his children. I left because my ex tried to kill himself in my house with my children upstairs. I left because when I kicked him out he returned to the home uninvited fighting with me every day for a month. I left because he would get drunk and threaten to kill me.
Funny how they always tell an abused woman to just leave, run and hide. When I ran and hid because this man went NUTS I got moved back. He would call my cell about 30 to 40 times a hour. He filled my voice mail in less than an hour...wonder why I shut my phone off (BIG head scratcher there) In one day I got over 75 emails from him, threatening email not cute kittens in a basket emails. I had page after page of printed emails, PAGES of phone records, written statements from the local bar tender who was willing to testify that my ex threatened to kill me. The judge did not care He told me I had a choice. I could move back to the marital home with my children or I could stay where I was, but my children had to be in the marital home by Monday. It was Friday. So of course I chose to be with my children. But I made it VERY well known I was not happy. My ex's family member drove down the street the day I moved in calling me a F**king Wh*re...I called the cops and filed harassment charges. He was fined $2500 and thrown in jail, he hasn't been driving legal since 1985! LOL!! I told the cop that I was FORCED to live there but I was not FORCED to put up with that. It made a big statement to his family. His sister who lived right up the road never even looked my way when she drove past. It was her husband who went to jail 
His brother used to throw beer cans in my yard every night. I collected them calmly and then when my garbage bag was full I went to his house and dumped them in the back of his truck with a note that said "You might want to turn these in to help pay your legal fees" Did you know you can by finger printing kits? I did and I took prints off every can.
I may be blonde but I am not duimb
I also got a dumpster and trashed ALL of the stuff he left in the house. Legal because what he left became mine. He tried to sue me for it but the judge told him that because he knew I was to be moving in he should have gotten his stuff out. What he left he must not have cared about.
I got my revenge in little ways. He thought that by forcing me back he would be able to come and go as he pleased but I had an order in place where he couldn't even drive up my road, his father had to pick up the kids for visitation.He is NUTS his family is NUTS and I was stuck because a judge who didn't even want to listen to me decided he had the right to see his kids.
I told my husband I was leaving him May 2009. I moved out a month later. He was there the day I left. I told him I had to go away for a while to clear my head. Having him there every day was to much stress for me. I asked him to care for my furbabies because I couldn't take them to my brothers house. He knew I was going to my brother's. He did not know where my brother lived, he had just moved and my ex never went to his house. IDIOT that's what a GPS is for.
He harassed me by phone and email. My brother had to change his home number because he called all hours of the day and night. I got a letter from his attorney saying that I had to be in court on Aug 14, 2009 at 10 am. I had no lawyer, no idea what was going on. I got an attorney and found out my ex filed for custody and filed for Special Relief and "Writ of Ne Exeat" I had to move back by August 17 2009. Because he cried to the judge he had NO IDEA where I was. I guess he forget that he was there the day I left, that he called my brother and talked to me and the kids, that his attorney had an address to send me the papers?
Oh and as for my furbabies....he got rid of my precious pit Leroy Brown because his gf had a dog and Leroy didn't like him. He didn't call my Mom who said she would come get both dogs he just gave him away. He called me on my birthday and told me my sweet Cocker BO died. He told me he got up in the morning to find him dead. He said he must have died of old age, he was 14. I had him for 12 year, I worried about him all the time and always took him to the vet for stupid things like he didn't eat all his food in 5 mins. flat like he used too, lol. I had just had my baby at the vet before I left, healthy as a horse. "22 lbs of Sheer Health" as my vet said. I was coming to get him in a week and he knew that. Well when I asked him to let my Daddy come get his body and bury him in my fav. spot at the family farm he told he he would..never called my Dad. He told my son he buried him in the yard. I never believed him about the cause of death. Neither did my son, I found him on day trying to dig up the spot where my ex told him the dog was...broke my heart. I called my Daddy asked him to come check for me. My dog was not here or anywhere else near where he said he buried him. He always hated that dog and I think he killed him. Anyhow.....
I was granted the ability to move in June 2, 2010 and was out of that house by June 7 2010. I was not staying there any longer than I had to.
I am so frustrated with the system. Here I Am trying to just live my life and he will not leave me alone. He refuses to divorce me and lives with his new gf (OW) I just want him to go away. He makes me miserable. He fights paying child support he fight time, place and every other stupid issue he can think of when it comes to our boys. He had no interest in being a good Dad he just wants to come out of this looking like the victim.
I NEVER told my boys about the threats. They have no clue their Dad is a monster. I refuse to down grade him in front of them. I have seen that ruin to many children. He how ever is more than happy to tell my kids all kinds of lies about me.
I have with in the last month got tired of it and started to tell my son just a few things...I will not risk losing my children to protect him. I am gentle in my wording but I have told my son some things. I just told him that Daddy tried to hurt himself and was in a hospital..that night he went to the hospital I told my boys he was away for work. My ex told him he was in the hospital but did not tell him why. GO figure he will give just enough info to make me look bad but refuses to tell the WHOLE truth. He knows the WHOLE truth is he was a jerk from day one and continued to be a jerk until this day.
And all wonder why I pray his harness will break while he is 350 ft in the air?!?
My counselor tells me I can't tell the kids bad things about their dad, but she also says I don't have to protect him. Kind of hard to do both. LOL The system stinks. My stbx is refusing to pay child support but it doesn't affect his visitation rights. So my housing in jeopardized because I can't pay the mortgage but he can take the kids for "his" weekends. His housing isn't jeopardized. Jerk.
My ex has the kids, the bank account, and the pets. If I didn't know beyond the shadow of any doubt that he loves the kids and the pets as much as I do, there would have been NO way I would have allowed either to stay with him. My daughter is "human momma" to one of the cats (the boy) and the other one (the female, LOL) has latched on to my oldest son. Probably because of all the kids, he looks and acts the most like Mama...^_^
But it makes me sad - every time I talk to my daughter on the phone, the cats hear my voice and, as she put it, "try to get to [me] through the phone"...and I can hear my Maine Coon yelling "Mama, Mama". 
The pets usually do suffer. I was very very fortunate. I talked the ex into getting the boy cat, and he talked me into getting the girl cat...it took her a little while to warm up to me, but once she realized I wasn't going to *hit* her like her two previous humans did 
she was - and is - the sweetest thing. Her first owner had her declawed in the front - the old-fashioned, barbaric way, where the actual *knuckle* was affected. So she is like half-pawed in the front....but I have to admit it is the cutest thing in the world to watch her try to claw things like her furbrother does. 