So a little background, I have been trying to get divorced since about June 2010, been separated since June of 09. My husband of course wants to drag things out so things will be on his terms. All I was trying to do was just get things done and make agreements but we met with a snag. According to our laws he owes more than what he pays per month in child support. He refuses saying he cannot afford it.

The issue I am confused about however is my child's emotional development. Sometimes I can be a little bad and not see things right away but I always noticed that my child has problems adjusting to being with me after weekend visits with his father. He sometimes has behavioral problems like kicking and biting at his preschool and problems with controlling his bladder when at home. Just this evening because he insisted that he must use the same bathroom mommy went to, he wet himself instead of going to the other bathroom in the house. He had plenty of time to get to the other bathroom the house is not that big. But he deliberately stood there and did it. He also wet the bed the night before.

I went and did some research and this is something that does turn up but I am also thinking that it is something that my legal spouse is saying or doing when he has our child in his possession. My child is a normally well adjusted fully potty trained 4 y/o, and after the first few days he's back to normal and no longer has bad outbursts or behavioral problems.

The thing is I just want to cut visits for a while with Aidan, and I want to take him to a counselor to get fully assessed so I can back myself up in court because I know the first thing his father will do is say I am denying him visits. Really I just want to be able to supervise visits for a while. Like only have him see Aidan here. There is no formal agreement so I will not be in contempt of court YET. I just want to know if I am doing the right thing logically by limiting visits. I'm feeling very lost and I also don't know if I can actually tell my legal spouse that I want to limit visits because he still somehow scares me (he was abusive, this is why I left, in fact he claims everything is my fault, and I feel partially that it is...I am catholic and I feel like a failure, but then sometimes I come to my senses because in the end I was not the one that caused me to have to leave)

I just don't know what to do, I feel like a failure of a mom to have let this go on this long, I am still scared of this person and what they might do, I feel ill equipped...I just don't know what to do...

My children are older, 8 and 11, but I always have behavioral issues when they return from weekend visits. My counselor told me this is normal. However, my stbx, while a jerk, is not abusive. I do not worry about the safety of my children when they are with him. When my husband first left me my first stop was the church. My pastor pointed me in the direction of Catholic Family Services. They have worked with me financially and have been great with both me and the kids. I don't know if this is a local organization or if they are set up nationwide. I would seek the advice of a counselor, and perhaps an attorney. Best luck to you. Let us know how it works out.

I would get your son immediately to a therapist....obviously something is going on and your son is reacting emotionally and physically.

At this point with no orders, each of you has equal rights to access to the child. Just because you are the mom doesn't mean you can make up the rules.

If there is no formal agreement, then what prevents your husband from simply refusing to return the child to you? If you start playing games with his parenting time you might not like the result.

I tend to agree with Wendy on this.
I have two boys 6 and 9.
My 6 year old walks around this world without a care in the world. He adjusted very well to visitation, he didn't quite like the idea of sleeping over but he adjusted.
My 9 year old is different. He takes everything in. His father uses him to hurt me, he talks bad about me, he tells my son I don't love him. You name it he has used it to hurt my son, yet he loves him?
My ex had emotional problem when we split. I do not know if he is okay mentally or not. He acts normal on the outside but there is a monster inside that is just waiting to resurface.
I do not suggest you just stop visitation. Get your son to a counselor, have a counselor talk to him for a few weeks.
While peeing the bed is also a sign on abuse it is also normal when the child is upset about ANYTHING. Remember this is a very big adjustment for a 4 year old. My 9 year old sometimes have accidents after he comes home, I have learned not to make a big deal out of it. My boys have their own bathroom in their room and my son will pee his pants instead of using it, when he is being defiant.
Your son is going to push your buttons, buttons you did not know you had.
I know since I left my husband and I WANTED TO LEAVE, I have been a emotional mess. You get angry, worried and cry over nothing...remember that is how he feels too but doesn't know how to express it yet.
Get counseling, if there is no orders for custody focus on that, you don't need the divorce to be final to have custody/visitation orders. Like Wendy said if you start playing that game you will lose. NEVR use your child as a pond in the divorce.
I HATE watching my boys get into my ex's truck every other weekend...but I have no choice.

Hi
This is what I am worried about too if my husband and I split (which I want to).
I know he loves our children but I have always done the parenting and he is gets stressed with them so easy and doesnt give them boundaries. They are so good for me and after a day spent with him....haywire.

It is tough.

I hear it never gets any better either..UGH!
My sister in law was divorce for 5 years when she met my brother, she has a 8 year old and let me teel you when she come back for a month at her Dad's house she is a b*tch. But when she is here she is sweet as honey. Amazing how they change. But then her Dad does teh same thing my ex does, plays her emotions when she is there, giving in to her every want...that's the only whay they know to parent I guess. Give them what they want and you don't have to deal with them for another week (or 6 months in her case)