I was in the same situation as the first responder to you. I had no idea, until I read the book (after the fact) that one should NEVER go into couples counseling with an abuser; I didn't know that and we went....it was a major disaster, and I stopped and went by myself.

36 years of abuse. you are the only one (unfortunately) when you are done; I would suggest being honest with your husband and yourself and therapist and make a decision. Living in limbo is the worst.....

hugs, Allison

I had the same experience as Allison, was married to abuser, counseling was a disaster (they lie & control things in counseling sessions same as out of counseling but then one has the therapist either beleiving abuser's lies or not knowing what to believe). If he is abuser, yes, the consensus is do not go to couple's therapy with spouse, but by yourself!
Also, I agree with the fact that it's better to make some sort of decision about what you are wanting to do or willing to put up with, whatever the case here.

Hi Marina,
I'll give you a condensed version of my marriage. I've been married for 21/5 years. My husband is of Greek decent and comes from a very male dominate family....men rule the roost with women and female children there to serve. We were happy until we started a family. Hubby couldn't handle not getting sex twice a day. He put tremendous pressure on me, even though he got "it" every day. Even with a newborn and a toddler running around, he would tell me that I needed to carve out some time to fanasize about sex. He told me it was my job to "put out". It became a job that very moment. Before that, I was trying my best to really please him. After that, I was just trying to keep the peace. He still got what he wanted. He would make lists of things he wanted to do in the bedroom. If he didn't get sex, he wouldn't talk to me. I enabled him by giving in. Although he did not physically force me to have sex with him, he did emotionally. I cried through sex and many times felt as though I was being raped. There were other issues to. He put down my family and never embraced them. When I had cancer, he was AWAL....even yelling at me when I said I was tired. He was an absentee father and husband, except when it came to sex. I suspected him of cheating on me, but never had proof. He has always been a good provider, but was very selfish. Nothing was a good idea unless it was HIS idea. If I didn't agree with him, he would get mad and accuse me of never supporting him. He would be verbally mean to me...telling me that I was a good mother, but that was about it. He threatened me with divorce countless times. Throughout the 20 years, I begged him to go to counseling, with his response being no way. He would never agree to it. The last straw was when he opened a separate bank account and refused to put my name on it. After 8 months of asking him to put my name on the account, I asked him why. He told me it was HIS money. I was done. Even then, I begged him to go to counseling. I told him that our 17 year old was crying because he was worried about his parents. I told hubby that it was the only reason he needed to work on the marriage. He refuse. A month later, I filed for divorce. Only then did he say it was time to go to counseling. I did not want to go by that time. I had done so much processing and was already emotionally divorced. I reluctantly agreed, but admit that my heart has not been into it. I cannot stand to be in the same room with him. We've been in sep bedrooms since August of 09 and marital counseling since Oct 09. I'm tired of being in limbo.

I've just given you the highlights, but there is more. My husband doesn't drink and is not physically abusive. He is controlling though. Through counseling, he has improved, but I still see his controlling nature emerge....it's still there...HE is still there. I don't trust my heart with him, I don't love him, and I don't respect him. I'm just done. I struggle because even though he has been crappy to me for years, I still do not want to cause pain to anybody....it's hard for me.
Thanks for any words of wisdom.

Mine wouldn't go either, still refuses to even tho he'll have no choice after the courts make him. Mine was abusive, good friends, medicaions, and the chicken soul book on divorce and recovery are helping me but I still cry everyday. What I was told and you need to remember too, is you can't change anyone, and what he was doing was abuse. I will pray for you, I hope you pull through this and get peace of mind soon.

My ex and I both agreed to go, but this was before he even let on about his affair...just acted strange and said things in our marriage were not working... but we ended up only going twice because, unknown to me at the time, he was only doing it to put on a show of making it look like he was giving it the "Ole' college try" He plotted and planned so many things before his affair came out in the open so that he could set up a nice clean exit from our marriage and try to come out looking like he was just an innocent bystander. It all just happened according to him. If you look up the word sociopath, you may just see his name there. He plotted and planned to get what he wanted and that is what he does everyday of his life. So going to counseling was just a waste of my time and he used it to ease the little guilt that he did have.

Susan

I begged my ex to go to counseling years ago. He refused becuse "Nothing was wrong with out marriage" LIKE HELL! He cheated, he lied and I hated him...great make up for a long happy marriage
When i left him he begged me to go, I refused. I had enough of his empty promises, I didn't want to sit in a room and listen to him cry about how muych he loves me one day thenteh next go cry to his GF about how bad I treat him.

LisaH, I'm just picturing the poor counselors too, listening to different versions & trying to piece together fact from fiction. Sounds like you are into reality, me too. Think that's why a lot of marriages fail. When at least one partner is realistic the false doesn't usually work ongoing.
Healing isn't easy through this but at least dealing in terms of facts not fiction does help!

Hey Jean,

First of all, I apologize for not replying to you sooner as I have been out of town. My heart really goes out to you. Talk about a controller (I recognized the behavior right away). My ex too did some of the things you said your husband is doing. At the end of the day when Love, Respect and those things you mention have long gone, there is no reason to remain in the relationship - this is totally up to you what you do but I am sensing that you (above all) need private counseling (just a suggestion because you specifically said "I don't want to cause problems", just like I said 7 years ago, which in turn tells me that you need to get stronger and maybe move on in your life (especially if there is no love in thye relationship. If however, you do want to work things out and your husband's behavior is getting better (through counceling) you may find it in your heart to resolve the problems but from what I read from you, it looks like a long, difficult path (the separate bank account story and suspecting that he may have cheated on you would worry me). The other thing is when your husband was yelling at you while you had cancer and of course the sex situation. I have definitely related to many things you said here.

Are you trying to get things to improve in your relationship with your husband OR are you afraid of leaving and possibly being alone for a period of time??

Next time, I will tell you more about my story with my ex. I don't want to overwhelm you right now with all kind of information.

You take good care of yourself and KNOW thatyou are not alone (even if sometimes it feels like we are alone) but many of us went through these things... it may not always be the exact story but the betrayals, hurt, abuse is the same or very similar.

Take care now!
Marina