My ex and I both agreed to go, but this was before he even let on about his affair...just acted strange and said things in our marriage were not working... but we ended up only going twice because, unknown to me at the time, he was only doing it to put on a show of making it look like he was giving it the "Ole' college try" He plotted and planned so many things before his affair came out in the open so that he could set up a nice clean exit from our marriage and try to come out looking like he was just an innocent bystander. It all just happened according to him. If you look up the word sociopath, you may just see his name there. He plotted and planned to get what he wanted and that is what he does everyday of his life. So going to counseling was just a waste of my time and he used it to ease the little guilt that he did have.

Susan

I begged my ex to go to counseling years ago. He refused becuse "Nothing was wrong with out marriage" LIKE HELL! He cheated, he lied and I hated him...great make up for a long happy marriage
When i left him he begged me to go, I refused. I had enough of his empty promises, I didn't want to sit in a room and listen to him cry about how muych he loves me one day thenteh next go cry to his GF about how bad I treat him.

LisaH, I'm just picturing the poor counselors too, listening to different versions & trying to piece together fact from fiction. Sounds like you are into reality, me too. Think that's why a lot of marriages fail. When at least one partner is realistic the false doesn't usually work ongoing.
Healing isn't easy through this but at least dealing in terms of facts not fiction does help!

Hey Jean,

First of all, I apologize for not replying to you sooner as I have been out of town. My heart really goes out to you. Talk about a controller (I recognized the behavior right away). My ex too did some of the things you said your husband is doing. At the end of the day when Love, Respect and those things you mention have long gone, there is no reason to remain in the relationship - this is totally up to you what you do but I am sensing that you (above all) need private counseling (just a suggestion because you specifically said "I don't want to cause problems", just like I said 7 years ago, which in turn tells me that you need to get stronger and maybe move on in your life (especially if there is no love in thye relationship. If however, you do want to work things out and your husband's behavior is getting better (through counceling) you may find it in your heart to resolve the problems but from what I read from you, it looks like a long, difficult path (the separate bank account story and suspecting that he may have cheated on you would worry me). The other thing is when your husband was yelling at you while you had cancer and of course the sex situation. I have definitely related to many things you said here.

Are you trying to get things to improve in your relationship with your husband OR are you afraid of leaving and possibly being alone for a period of time??

Next time, I will tell you more about my story with my ex. I don't want to overwhelm you right now with all kind of information.

You take good care of yourself and KNOW thatyou are not alone (even if sometimes it feels like we are alone) but many of us went through these things... it may not always be the exact story but the betrayals, hurt, abuse is the same or very similar.

Take care now!
Marina