Hello,

It's been a year and half after divorce. In March it will be five years including separation since I left. He has not said one single word about it all even in the beginning. I have never received a call from him.

Why is it that these emotions come and go as they do? I had a spell a few weeks ago. Started having dreams about him then started missing him. Now I was feeling ok then today I found that we were driving next to each other on the road. I tried my best to not look at him so that I wouldn't start getting depressed. But, later driving home it started.

I am so sad and missing him. You see I divorced him simply because he told me he didn't love me and was separated from me in the house. We lived a marriage in name only. What am I missing? Why would I want a man that doesn't show interest in me?

Have any of you felt that?

I can relate somewhat to the situation you describe. I have lived for 20 years with a man that does not care about me, nor does he care about his children. I have left two different times and I come back with this dream of what could be but never is. Stay strong you deserve better than that and you had the courage to get out of an unhappy situation. I wish I had your strength.

Ashayah,

I think this is probably normal.
I've been away from my husband for awhile & now divorced.
What has been helpful to me, & it hasn't been as long as what it is for you, the separation, but I try not to block my feelings. I allow myself to remember my feelings, I know that I did all I could to make the marriage work. I don't try to replace the thoughts with something else, & at the same time don't try to make it into something it wasn't.
He was very mean to me a lot. But there was much love. I am very aware of what was & what wasn't in it & this seems to help me be content & peaceful.
I do not desire him back in my life. I'd never want to go through that again.
What I have done in my head is that the men in my life I have loved, I can recall easily that love.
I don't try to make it disappear because it doesn't.
The love I had for my husband was different than the others, as it always is, no person is the same one to another. I cannot replace my ex, not trying to.
I have no idea if I will find someone else & haven't even had the energy to try & figure that part out yet.. as to spiritually. People are Not replaceable & our souls are so unique. So, for me, when I move on as I have had to do after break ups or in the divorce that my husband wanted, I don't try to suppress any of my feelings. In fact if I find I am doing that I have to back up. Not go back, but back up to where it's OK to feel love.. that love, other love. I know what was in my marriage, he didn't want it. Fruits of spirit, peace, love & joy.. it's that flow of emotions & feeling. People that get divorced or break up & move on from love, the love itself doesn't die I don't think. We just move on for whatever reason but our hears EXPAND. I allow my heart to GROW.. to LOVE.. then I don't feel sad.
I have not missed him quite frankly either. I loved him so much that how can one erase it? why should one erase love? I don't know/it's just how I deal with things in my mind.. as to God & love & relationships.. :) I think we each have our ways...
but I can't & don't feel a need to erase the love & feelings.. Ijust make sure to move ahead/forward & keep growing in LOVE.
I'm sorry you are struggling.. Can you try not to block the feelings but be ok with it? Then smile & release it.. as in going on with your day.
I think when I try to block out this or that it just magnifies everything..

It sounds as if you never had closure. All you ex said was that he didn't love you anymore, but that is without any concrete reason. You need closure to understand why he felt this way about you so that you are able to move on with you life. I run a life coaching business that helps women get over hurtles like this if you ever need to obtain any kind of goal after your divorce, please e mail me deannafreeman@live.com I would love to help you through anything...best to you always
deanna

Deanna, that is my thought too that for some reason there was not a closure when her husband & her broke up. It is helpful when this happens but for some reason it doesn't always. In abusive situations the closure often is our own. Also, speaking to God & making peace, turning it over to The Lord, etc. helps.
I was of the same thought that there hasn't been a needed closure where Ashyah is @ peace with what happened. That does not mean it is your fault (Ashyah) at all, but that it just didn't occur of it's own accord.
Yes, I would try to get some help to where you can embrace what was, feel good about that, then let go of the rest.
Try not to block your feelings. But if you are able to separate what was your reality from what happened, how it turned out that hurt you and that you didn't want, then embrace the goodness of the love & positive of it.
I think people sometimes want to blot out all of these feelings but channeling them in our hearts & in direct connection with God, we can heal.
I will pray for you!

I read you comments and understand your plight. I am just now out of my 22 year marriage to a man that won't talk to me being roommates more than anything else for the last few years. I was blindsided, abandoned and left with no money or job to go homeless and he could give two ****s. I think about him but then again I realize that life goes on and we have two choices to make. We can wallow in self pity, blame ourselves and wish they were with us or we can look at our mistakes, make sure we don't make them again and move forward in life becoming the best we can be and find someone else. I'm already looking and I've been seperated 4 months. Is that cold. I don't honestly think in the long run I could ever trust him again. He broke my heart and has been cruel ever since - midlife crises too much alcohol an affair? who knows but the trust I put in him is gone. I don't know if i'm helping at all. I can tell you that I still dream about an x boyfriend from years ago - every now and then - why? because past relationships will always have a special place in our heart - hope you find a new love.

Paula, It's not cold. It's a fact of life. When I left my ex I knew there was no turning back, only looking forward. I did find someone else. He is great, not 'rebound great" just plain great. He understands me the way I wanted my ex to understand me. He listens to me, unlike my ex. He doesn't expect anything from me, like my ex did. I think sometimes we have to go through a rough patch in order to see what we really want. My ex was my knight in shinning armor, at first I thought I didn't want anyone else just him. I was willing to over look his "faults" because I loved him. Now I hate him because of his faults, they (his faults) drove us apart. Thing is if he would have at least admitted that he had faults and worked on them we would still be together. I would have tried longer. But he refused to see his and put all the blame on me. I know my faults I own them.
I think that is the key to moving on. Owing your faults and allowing his faults to be his.

At first I thought I wanted someone after ex left, but the longer he's gone the more I concentrate on my own healing. I have opportunity to date at times but just not quite ready & working through this right now in fact, how to deal with all of those emotions.
There are stages of healing in a divorce, it takes time. Surely I am not there yet (healed).
The difference I feel when I read the last two replies, is for me, "my fault," part of the divorce. I know I have flaws, we all do. But I tried so hard in that marriage & gave it my all. I did everything possible to make it work. He (& I agree & can relate to this) did nothing to work on himself & his part of the marriage. I guess my belief is that sometimes in very abusive marriages one can do Everything possible that is good & altruistic etc., to no avail. So in healing, it's not so much a matter of somehow admitting our own failures. I guess I really have a problem with that for myself because I think, there really is nothing more I could have done!!! I'm not perfect & that was never a goal or possibility.. but I did try so hard. He did not. He didn't care to work on... it was so simple for him to have done, the ability/ the possibilities in the marriage were there, but he just didn't care to try. So, I don't rehash at all / & I have thought about this too / my own failures in the marriage. I didn't fail that marriage! He did.
Now moving on isn't easy & that is where I am really having to work hard & have to process so much.
Also, I can rest at night knowing I did all I could to make my marriage work. I wanted it bad. He did not. I don't feel stuck as to on him, I have let go, can hold the good memories/ the love but that's it.
I think it's all just a process that we work through & with God. not easy though!

That is so true I didn't have closure.
I married this man that on the honeymoon night turned his back on me.Then it just went downhill from there. I too left a couple of times but, came back because I loved him and didn't have the finances to leave.

Before we went to court I wanted to talk. I told him that we needed to decide what we were going to do before going before the judge. He did come over but, just said that he didn't believe in counseling. I also tried to talk to him before we went into the courtroom he said I just wanted all of his attention. I said the only reason I am starting divorce proceeding is because I have waited for three years without a single word from you. He said he was waiting for me to apologize.

As you can see there was no other woman that I know of so I am still trying to figure out why?

Yes, I do need closure. He has never really said that he doesn't love me. What he says is that he is not sure if he does or not. He has been saying this for years.

I guess I just want to figure him out which I may never do. I do need to talk to someone about how I feel. I still have this string attaching me to him.

I actually went on a dinner date with someone a couple of weeks ago. But, that caused me sadness .It is still hard.

Ashyah, I think that's where one can get caught up with abusers, is the need to figure them out.
They say there is no closure in an abusive situation. I think I found the closure, of course not With ex in my life as he runs, quits, cheats, lies, very abusive.
For me, I feel that things have to make sense in relation to God, to Heaven. It is the only way that I feel @ peace. So, if you can think of God, Heaven, place yourself in your head with Jesus as your Best Friend, picture yourself in Heaven (that's the goal),
then try to find that linear place in your heart in this connect. If you see the ex there in your head & are at peace, great, whatever that is or isn't..
if you don't, picture the gap closing around you, you are safe & heaven bound, peaceful. NOONE else can harm you or hurt you. All you feel is LOVE, God's Love, other's LOVE.
Friends are great.. where we can share our experiences in dating/ marriage/divorce. It gets complicated when dating & divorce. Some can do it/ want to, other's don't or can't.
Be true to God, to yourself to your spirit, THE HOLY SPIRIT. Let the love flow from you to others.. whatever that is.. however it works in ways that are pleasing to HIM.
Letting go that the ex can work out his salvation with God (with fear & trembling as the bible says), may be the ONLY thing we KNOW sometimes when a marriage ends that we wanted. Perhaps we were ready willing & able to walk through all the difficulties & get to the other side & we even envisioned it.
But they don't/can't/wont. They are determined to play, to test God, themselves, they are spiritually immature.
Or that we don't, "get," what happened in our marriage, with this person.. we can't make any sense of it/ in connection with, our lives, God, Heaven, etc. Then to try to release it all to God, to God's Love, as God Is All Encompassing. He Is Love. GOD IS LIGHT & LOVE. To release it/ the pain, ourselves, all to HIM, for healing & fixing.
I think too, it's doing what we love doing, our hobbies, making new friends, loving our family, those that are in our path on this earth that stay, stick around, love us back. It may not be perfect, maybe not what we envisioned as to our desires thereof, that ideal, BUT it is what is.
The woulda shoulda coulda, is a guilt trip in ourselves I think. Not really productive.
If God Is Love & Love Is Light & we are transformed into HIS IMAGE, one with another, then releasing that guilt, that confusion to HIM, to God's Love, to burn out the darkness, that only Light & Love remain & embrace what is in our path that is true & right & pleasing to GOD.
There may be bumps in the road, uncomfortable times, things that don't make a lot of sense, forks in the road, but woulda shoulda coulda doesn't fit too well, but living NOW, to God's LIGHT, that it SHINE from our hearts, that we let in NO confusion, but walk in HIS PURE WAYS...
In ways I cannot believe what is happening, what coulda been but I tell myself too, oh well, it IS.
& I am @ peace & connected with God, & at each juncture there are choices to make & some of this is also my testing with God, healing, the path to HIS LIGHT. I have to feel good about each choice.
EX didn't want to take the journey with me ongoing.
oh well WHATEVER.. I did get to that point.
He's on another path. I'm DONE begging, finished with allowing him into my journey that he want to upset my life by coming & going.
The closure then, to me, is that safe feeling, that love, linear from us toward Heaven, with GOD, that noone can mess this up, our salvation, our love with others & HIM. NOONE. Not the confusion, the ex, the kids, relatives, friends, NOONE. Our choices we as adults can make & then do what is right in HIS EYES, that we feel love, HIS LOVE, other's LOVE.
PERIOD.
that LOVE is eternal... LOVE.
HEAVEN. the rest just does NOT matter.
That's my opinion..
It may seem overwhelming at times but HEAVEN is our true home. there will always be struggles here.
wrapping ourselves in HIS LOVE & LIGHT till we get to our true home..
(can't wait).