I am a mother of 2 age 10 and 13 yrs old. Married for 20 years. Most of the marriage was filled with pain. He used to call me stupid, ugly low life and would tell me that if I did not give him sex that he would get it from someone else. The past 10 years he has increased his abuse to threats. We live in a house that his father bought and will not put it in dh name because his father was burned twice by his ex wives so very little is in my husbands name so that I don't get anything. There are very few times that he would treat me like a lady. Those few times are in public not at home. He is seeking prof help and has for a year but, I feel like it has gone no where. He still abuses me and makes threats and yells and even yells at the kids over stupid stuff because he has a temper. He has never hit the kids but we have been in a match or two ourself's. A week ago I guess I woke up and said to myself: I am tired of being treated like this, how many times do I have to tell him how I feel for him to get it. I know he has treated me the way that he does because I let him with nothing to loose. Well today I am done with that. I told him how I feel and I don't want to be his wife because he has caused me too much pain and I do not trust him he has had emotional affairs and says: i don't know why I do it. He blames his A.D.D for everything. We have seeked outside help but he always returns back to his old self. I feel stuck because I can not work in the day because I take care of the kids and there is very little night work but I continue to search. I have no place to go and my family is not willing to get involved. He tells me that he will tell his father to sell the house and I will loose my kids because I have no home to go to and no job. Besides he does not make a lot of money anyways but he is from a wealthy family that would ony help if they could controll everything and I mean everything. So now we are living in the same house. I dont speak to him I cant even look at him. I pretend to talk to him on the phone in front of the kids and say I love you so they do find out. As far as not sleeping together we have not done that in over 7 years because I put my kids first and their needs. So I am stuck I cant do anything without his family finding out and taking controll. I just want to be happy with my kids that's it !

If you have children he can't just up & not give you anything.
I'm not sure when you talk about the intimacy in the marriage what exactly is going on/or not.
Have you denied your husband intimacy for 7 years?
or is it mutual?
The bible states we are to put our spouse first. That includes intimacy. Again, I'm not sure why you have not had intimacy in that long but you did mention the children. I am not sure I understand how the two are connected. In fact it's healthy for your children to see you being physically loving toward one another.
It sounds like there are a lot of deepseated problems & that counseling for you & maybe the kids too, would be the way to go, so that everyone is able to vent & move forward somehow.
Could be too you all have just gotten in some really bad places together & someone has to make some bold moves whatever that is. Sounds like you're ready.
I will pray for you & your marriage.

Thank you for your response. I guess I should have mentioned that yes we have had a active sex life.. I felt as if I have to so that he does not go else where as he has made threats to in the past. I have seeked outside help and have comet to the conclusion that there is a lot of pain that he has caused me.. he has made me a victim over and over . I have tried to give it my all even when he was not. I would be understanding, loving, caring, thoughtful and even when he would talk about another woman that he works with and how smart she is I would agree. The kids have seen us hug from time to time and hear us say the words I love you very often but we said those words out of habbit with very little meaning behind it. I have tried to put myself in his shoes and feel what he is feeling but he can not seem to do the same thing. I think either he does not want to out of shame or just does not think it is a big deal. Either way I still live in fear every single day, I am worried that he will take my kids that are my life because he has made it very clear that his father would help him put me in a small house and I would have very little child support. When you hear it for years and years that someone can take something so dear to you because they have the money and means to do so you think it is true. If I have to live in the same house with him for the sake of the kids and we set rules then I will.. I am a bigger and better person that I can do what is best for them. I just hate living in fear and being worried, Thank you all again and God Bless.

Lisa, I'm sorry that you feel stuck. Reading the first half of your post was like reading a chapter in my own book of life. My ex is such a baby. If he didn't get sex when he wanted it he would say the exact same thing...only he actually went out and did it. I did every thing for my ex. Cleaned the house, cooked, took care of the bills the kids the animals...everything. He told me he loved me and I would say it back, out of habit and because I was trying to hide my distaste (if you will) of him from the kids. He had a temper and we often got into BIG fights, broken chairs,holes in doors and walls kind of fights. He never laid a hand on me or the kids but his temper was a HUGE issue. I used to feel trapped too because I didn't work and had no way of supporting myself with two little kids. It's hard to take the step to leave. My ex didn't listen to me when I told him how I felt either....
Be strong enough to show your children that love is not a one way street. Love them like there is no tomorrow and they will know that you tried your best.
"Life is a journey best held hand in hand with those you love" That is how I view my journey of parenting. I am no longer wasting time loving a man who is "emotionally handicapped"
JLVR, I'm not sure if I agree on you on the part of putting our spouses first. I think that we need to focus on our own lives before we can put someone else in front. How can God expect us to make every one else in our lives more important? Personally I did that for YEARS and it destroyed my faith. And when your sex life with your husband is more like a "moneys on the bed stand" relationship then why should he be first? I lost a part of who I was because I put my ex first. The only other people we are responsible for in the eyes of God are our children. We as their parent are responsible for teaching the right form wrong, teaching them the word of God and guiding them to the right path. And once they reach a certain age we are no long responsible for their choices. That doesn't mean we are to stop praying for them or loving them. I am not responsible for my ex's soul. Yes I am to show him God's love but not at the price of my own soul. I prayed every day for the strength to show my ex love, the strength to love him as a wife loves her husband. I forgave him when he cheated, I forgave him when he lied and I forgave him when he treated me like a worthless piece of trash when I was bed rest for weeks after surgery. BUT when he (my ex) refused to change his behavior the "forget" part of forgive and forget was really hard. I prayed for the peace of mind from his actions and never got it. Tell my mind and heart to forget when he is out at 4am and you only thoughts are "Is he sleeping with her again?" "What lie will he tell me this time?" My heart became cold. In the Bible it warns us about hardening of the heart. If your heart is cold then there is no way of entering the gates of heaven. Only now that I have saved myself from anger am I free to try to receive forgiveness from God for my actions. I can not and will not go to hell because of the hatred in my heart towards my ex for hurting me so many time. Healing takes time and honestly I no longer hate my ex...everyday anyhow, but I continue to pray for the strength to love myself enough to make it through the day. I continue to pray for the strength to love my children enough not to show then hatred for their father even when if rears it's ugly head.

My stbx "moved out of our bedroom years before he moved out of our home. As far as I'm concerned he left me emotionally when he left our bedroom. There is no lonelier feeling in the world. As for intimacy-that disappeared a couple of years before that. There may have been occasional sex, but that's all it was...sex. I'm sorry to hear you are going through such tough times. Are you able to get counseling?

I know you feel "stuck" but you aren't; when you are living in limbo, that is the worst place to be. There are many resources; call a women's shelter, get an appointment with an attorney (1st visit is usually free) to see where you stand. There are LAWS, he cannot NOT support the children. I stayed for 31 years and I know how scary it all is. Abusers RARELY change; they are excruciatingly INsecure and will do anything to hang on to you. They usually dislike or HATE themselves and take it out on YOU. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with HIS issues. Do what you need to for yourself and your children; children aren't blind and deaf; even tho you think you are hiding it, they sense what is going on; get into counseling with you and the children. There is a lot of help out there, and I hope you will get it. As I said, I stayed for 31 years ; verbal abuse and some physical, The book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Feel free to e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com....I am a moderator of an abused survivors group.