Is it wrong to feel relief, loneliness and melancholy at the same time? I've made a conscious decision and have voiced this to now ex that I could no longer go on. Once a cheater always a cheater and I gave him four chances to screw me over and over.

I moved 5 hours flight away and its made it easier to move on. I had my suspicions with his mood swings, things I couldn't ignore. I'm a Christian and have grappled between my duty and my vows before God, but in reality, he was not the one I was supposed to marry (we were married for 7 years). We were together 12 years I was only 19 when we hooked up, during this time we were childless and broke. He's blamed everything on me. He's been living here illegally and he blames me for not helping him with his permanent papers. I've endured so much emotional abuse that, I think I am more relieved than anything. This is where my guilt and failure in my marriage eats away at me.

He also blames me for still having feelings for an ex-ex who made me feel loved just by looking at me. And no, we never acted on it. I thought admitting to my ex-husband that his treating me badly made me think of my ex-ex would make him realise I wanted him (ex-husband) to make me feel that way - instead, his perception was I wanted to be with my ex-ex... which in hindsight I understand... before you wonder about the break up between me and ex-ex it was because I didn't want to ruin my friendship with his sister. The ex-ex professed his love for me 5 months before I got married. During that time, I have seen him on numerous occassions and yes, maybe I did cheat myself by stealing stolen glances and locked eyes with ex-ex whenever we saw each other. I have not seen my ex-ex for 2 years now.

The loneliness comes when you just want to know that no matter what, someone loves you as a partner should, little did I know he physically loved many a partner!!

Melancholy due to the thought that I shall die an old lady and childless, and should I ever see that ex again, knowing I am not the sassy, slim lass he once loved, but an old broken and thicker version of my former self.

I think I owe it to hearing about my ex-ex's plans to finally get married, last year. Last I heard it was postponed/ cancelled. It took that shock to make me evaluate and realise that I was once loved before and no way was I going to go on letting this so called "husband" continue to treat me like dirt.

Where am I now?.. still dealing with the loneliness of broken rituals, phone calls and snippets of better memories from that marriage of which many have dark moments attached to it.

This chapter in my life has taught me to never ever ever compromise my happiness for no man... Apart of course for the man upstairs, who always sends a rainbow after the rain.

It sounds like you did the right thing, if he is cheating on you. There are diseases out there too.
Ex has been gone over year now, I had date last night. I felt more lonely & depressed than by myself.
The guy was nice, we had similar interests, energy etc. etc. but I really dont' want anyone else.
There's a huge difference I think between being ALONE & LONELY. When I figured that out for me, what that meant, I am finally @ peace. But to force a relationship with someone that it doesn't feel right with is also to me, LONELY & I felt it last evening.
The one thing that would appaul me is to have ex read this but I'll say it here.. is that I loved him more than anything & I am SO happy even though I am alone because I was loved how I needed to be loved & I believe that I gave him the love that he needed, even though he cheated & left, etc. I saw & knew that for him he is unhappy in himself. It was not that he was unhappy with me, & he would voice that he loved me often.
I think when one finally comes to a place where they understand their walk, with God (YES), with others, marriage, single, divorced, widowed, then there is that continuum that is peaceful & ongoing.
I see this thread if you will that connects me to Heaven & all that has happened makes sense to me, & to force something along that doesn't work/ fit in, just doesn't cut it. That's how I felt on that date.
I think he was very offended.. & I also know that when we do date, it's very important to not take it personal when someone rejects because it's not personal. Friendships within groups are a supportive connectedness but intimacy is a big deal & for good reason.
I was happily married, had all I could want despite my ex's abuse etc., I was happy, wanted to work on, not quit. So, I guess just knowing & living reality is enough for me. I want to make friends, rebuild my life & that is going to take TIME.
But as you say, to force something that is false, whatever that is.. & that Goes Against God isn't right. It doesn't feel right to the spirit.
I think too people live in darkness or light. the light propells us. We definitely need others but connections in The Light of CHRIST. That love, peace & joy.
It's empowering, freeing, & complete.
I think last night/ that one time date, & I have not been with another man since ex left, I have had 3 opportunities now but shut them down in any physical manner & could not go second date, all 3 were wanting to date me. I can't do it. I'm not bragging, there is nothing to brag about, it's just I can't do it.
SO, I think I need to resign to fact I may be DONE.
I have not been, "looking," for another & don't want to. I want to get on with my life.
God is my Spouse, God is my Father.
That's awesome! Complete.
In Heaven we are healed.
It's ok to have many feelings.. but last night showed me again, one has to be able to FEEL. I felt blocked, that somehow I was not going to be able to feel what I need to with this person, I was married, happy, once & that was enough for me. I will continue to FEEL & BE / Close to God...