Greeting friends, I am lisa and my first post was: I feel as if I am stuck and un happy and in a trap.I am having a rough day. When dh is not at home or around I talk to myself and try to make sence of why is he not fighting for me and trying to do what ever it takes to make me happy. Why does he still have to blame me and thinkt hat this will just go away as it always has whe I was always the one to say lets try again. The last time I told him that I want to try again to save our marriage he agreed and said he does not understand why he says the things that he does and agree to continue to seek help. The problem is that this is all like a do over and it end in the same way every time. I don't know if it is that he does not know how to treat a women or does not want to treat me like a woman. Everytime I forgive him for the things he has done in the past and recent he does it again and it add more salt to the wound. Just six months ago I was ready to call it over and so was he , but then he says that he does not want to be with anyone else, and I say that is because no one else will have you. I try to give him his chance but he screws it up every time. Ladies he has more drama and gossip and talks about no one else but himself and his work and his new task. I want to be treated like a lady not the mother to his children and stay at home wife and mother. I want to be treated the way that I treated him by buying him small gifts, making our love making with a little spice in it. and being his mother, shrink and cook , maid, accountant but never his wife his lady. Tonight he started with his 4th stage which is he blames me and calls me crazy and that there is nothing wrong with him.. oh yeah then why are you seeing a shrink and I am not and all they talk about is his reletionship with his father and how he is doing with his A.D.D which was one conclusion in a year of seeking help. Only once did he talk about me and agreed he has problems but never ever has said he is sorry he goes to he does not know what he is doing and just does it and can't help it. Don't we all want to feel loved by just not taking care of of famlies but taken out to a nice dinner and little gifts here and there. I did it for him why not do it for me. i know I am going on and on but I am confused but yet I know that it is over otherwise he would come to me and want to work it out but instead he thinks I am just in my womens mode and will get over it in awhile. All he has to do is to know and understand what he has done to me and feel the pain and sorrow that I felt. I relized he has had more emotional affairs than I thougt. I think he would only want to make things right for his own sake after all if we were to seperate that means I have to return to work and that means he has to be there to take the kids and keep a schedule. He has a lot of problems but he will not talk to his shrink about it. I am thinking of calling the shrink and informing him of what is going on and request another session with me there and I need to tell him how I feel and what he has done without it being about him and his feelings. The heck with is feelings. So now what,,, Do I continue to live in a house that his father bought for us to live in so that we would not buy a house , his father had 2 bad marriages and thinks I would take him for a ride so as my dh would remind me every single day for 20 plus years, he does not have what he shoudl because he married me.. I need to be strong I need to show him that this is it buddy you lost. What do you think ? Btw; The kids do hear the argument from time to time but the past week I have avoided him and spend as much time as I can with our sons. I can't leave I have no place to go, shelter no.. i will not put my kids through that and he has no plave to go, he has friends but he would never talk to them about what he has done to me. His family sure he could stay with them but the last time he did that his mother drove him nut and that is why he wanted to come home. I know dumb . Anyone here live in the same house with their smean spouse and still file for divorce ?

This situation sounds frustrating and emotionally draining. It actually might legally benefit you that you're still living at home if you're considering divorce. It's really important to talk to a family law attorney before you make any major decisions (like leaving the home), even if you're not sure about where the relationship is going.

I wrote a blog post with a few tips on what to do if you feel divorce is around the corner. You can read it here.

I hope things work out for the best, whatever you decide to do. You certainly deserve happiness and peace.

Just wanted to say thank you to Mary for posting and offering helpful links. Wish you were in my state!

Lisa, I plan to file early next year, trying to take advice of others and get everything in order first so I know what I am doing! He is in my house. Well, sleeps in my basement. Doesn't speak to any of us. Most days we don't even see him, but sometimes he'll walk by to get to the basement, not even a word to his children. He refuses to leave. And there is NO WAY I am leaving my house and moving my kids! Not happening! WE live here. WE are a family. HE is an occasional visitor who sleeps in the basement. Sometimes he takes frozen food from our freezer (that I get for the kids as after school snacks when they want) but other than that we don't even share the same food (except when he makes coffee..and NEVER cleans the coffee pot...he'll leave it until the grounds grow mold if I don't clean it, he does it to bug me I know). But anyway...it is hard. I feel sick in my stomach. I wish he would just go away. I want to see if there's a way I can legally force him out. It is extremely stressful for me and my kids. We put on our brave faces and joke with each other and we are so close and good but inside I am dying and I cannot believe my kids are as OK with it as they tell me they are! I don't push the issue but I do remind them his behavior has nothing to do with them, that he has problems, normal people don't treat others like they don't exist! He came in the other day while we were eating, did something then left, and of course the tension is felt so I say, oh, did a robber just walk in or was that your dad? My daughter said she thinks it was a robber and of course we laugh and it broke the tension a bit but it is horrible to be ignored. To withdraw love and attention is the cruelest punishment. You always hear 'negative attention is better than no attention' right? My kids used to act up when he came around, now we all sort of tense up a bit but no one fights or anything, we joke and carry on. He has become the joke. But I hate it hate it a million times over. I wish I could make him leave us alone once and for all so we can be relaxed and happy together like we usually are when he's not around. I wish he'd be violent with me, at least then I could get him out and get help. But when 'all he does' is ignore you, well, no one cares and inside the heart slowly dies.

Strong Spirit : You are so right.. most of the things that your soon to be ex does i just to get to you. Mine is the same way. He will talk about anyting but the problems he will even have a conversation wth me like nothing had even taken place. I have to do the same that you are doing and that is just make a joke out of it. I guess our marriage was over a long time ago when I stopped sleeping in the same bed with him but I had never noticed or at least wanted to notice. The other day my older son said: I don't like my little brother that much because he is in mature he is 10 yrs old and acts like he is 8 mom ! I tell him well daddy is in mature but I deal with it ! He replies yeah well I can't he makes me crazy he needs to grow up. Then this morning my 10 yr old says, I don't see why you two got married you have nothing in common and mom is always right and you can never agree on anything. Husband was sitting right there... Those statements told me that the kids get it so when we do tell them the news , fingers crossed they will be fine with it. I want to add that you are very strong to do what you do, I hate it that he he here and has a right to be here, I hate it that he touches the things that I clean and makes a mess thinking I will clean it up because I like things clean and neat, hell I will leave it there until it grows I am not his maid anymore. It is sad that your soon to be ex does not talk to the kids, sounds like to me that he is playing a game with you and waiting for you to respond . You are doing the right thing with your kids and trying to keep it all together. Good for you and stay strong because he will do a lot of little things to get a reaction from you..