After my husband walked out on us because, I quote, " I can't communicate with you. I don't know how. We aren't going to change at this point." My 8 year old son hasn't asked to see or speak to him. In fact, after going to a restaurant with his father and seeing his father for the first time 4 days after his father left us. His father talked to him like we were just a family on a normal day having dinner..."how was your day, what did you do? do you know what guacamole is made out of?" As we left the restaurant, I got fed up with my ex for not saying something in the form of "hey, I am sorry I left, I still love you, this is not your fault"...nothing. So in the parking lot I said to my child, " Do you having anything you and to ask or say to Daddy?" My son's response was, "Bye Dad." and he walked away. My ex says "wait a minute, don't I get a hug?" After that night anytime my ex would call or ask to see our son, my son would say, "No thanks" I tried to get my son to visit with his dad the next day and told his dad to say something...give our child conformation as to why you did this (that is wasn't because of our son) and that you still loved him. I told him to meet us at Starbucks because I didn't want him to come into our home and give my son faulse hope that he was home again...He could buy our son a smoothie and talk. When I tried to get my son to go, he hid in the closet. I found him and after asking him if he didn't want to go he told me 'no, he didn't'...so I told him that I wouldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. Next, I told my ex to call after 7:30 pm when he wanted to talk to our son because when he called at any given time, it disrupted our house schedule and we were trying to maintain a routine my ex (who used to go to work then school and come home at 10pm and play WOW) tells me, "I'll be asleep by then." I told him that at 6:15 He never called back and has never called again.
Back to my son's feelings. He went to spend the night at my sister's for the first time away from me since my ex left...this morning my sister sad he had a rough night...he was crying and falling apart but it was all about his make believe world...my sister tried to console him but he would get mad at her...he said he was 'Super Boy but his battery was died' when my sister tried to pull him out from his imagination, she said, "Hunny, that's make believe, you are a real boy and your heart might be broken but you are not dead'...then she asked him if this had to do with his dad leaving and he got even more mad at her and said that, "It doesn't have to do with my dad, it has to do with my dinosaur friends, they are extinct!" and he started crying. He also said he was invincible and to prove it, he tried to bite himself. My sister felt so bad but this confirms my desires to seek counseling for him. I feel that subconsciously he is locking his feelings into his imagination because it is too much for him. He is overloaded and this is how he is reacting to compensate for his not having the tools to express himself. My big fear is that I do not want him to grow up to stuff his feelings like his father does. I want him to find a way for expressing his feels....any thoughts or advice would be greatly welcomed~

You are right to be concerned about your son and his feelings. Right now he is hurting and doesn't know how to express himself. The best thing you can do for him is find a good therapist that he can trust and talk to.

Oh my, you are literally making me cry!! That is so sad and I am so sorry for you and your son, I send you lots of love and peace! Someone else here had posted about divorce care. I have checked it out they also have divorce care for kids (ages 5-12). go here http://www.dc4k.org/findagroup and see if you have a group near you, maybe it will help (and as the other poster said, yes see if you can get therapy, but this group might be a good alternative if money is tight). The group near me has divorce care (for adults) and divorce care for kids at the same time so it is convenient. I haven't gone yet, it looks like January they'll start the next 13 week session but I did ask today if I could visit a class to see if I should start next session (here it is $13 for the workbook and I think there are 13 classes). Your stbx cannot be the man and father he needs to be, so look elsewhere for support for your precious son. Good luck to you both.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Watching our children hurt is the worst kind of pain.

My son is 9 and he is having a hard time dealing with his Dad being in a another state. He was fine when I told him about Daddy having to leave. A lot like your son, no real emotion. He didn't talk to his Dad for 2 weeks and even then he only talked once a week for MAYBE 5 mins. My youngest didn't talk to him at all, he still don't care to. Now my son comes home every time he is with his Dad with a belly ache, he complains of a bellyache the whole time he is at his Dad's house too. He is angry, cries and hits his brother over anything and everything. I try to talk to him and calm him down and usually it works.

Does your son like to write, draw or anything like that? I told my son to either write in a journal or do a drawing journal. I am also getting him a punching bag..maybe he can take it anger out on that.

The best thing I think to do is just talk to him, even if you have to allow yourself to play part in his imagination. If he wants to talk about the divorce by being a being a robot with a dead battery or a super hero with no powers or a dinosaur with no friends then I think you should explain it to him in a way that relates to the "character" he is being at the time. Counseling is of course the best way to go but I think that as their parent we are their best therapy. Maybe if he sees you trying to do it his way he will open up and talk to you in "the real world"

Imagination is a very strong part of childhood. Don't try to smother his imagination, work with it.

My youngest has 4 Moms and 2 Dads. He has a whole other life with each pretend parent. I play along with it. When he tells me his other mom is having a fight with his other dad I use it to my best advantage to explain to him that even when you love someone you sometimes fight, not all fights end in divorce. I want to ensure him that not all relationships are bad and that you can still love someone and be mad at them. Thats just an example of how I blend his pretend life to his real one. He is a very normal social being. He knows the difference between his pretend families and his real family. He just deals with it this way.

thank you all. I do revel in my son's imagination...I Love hearing him with his imaginary family and friends. Good advice about playing into it...I don't want him to lose his imagination....I just don't want him to lose himself to it and forget how to voice his true life feelings...I talked with him just a moment ago about how when you love others, you want to tell them your feelings and when they love you, they want to hear your feelings whether it is good or bad feelings...this way we know how each other is on the inside and we can better help one another through hard times and better celebrate through good times. I asked him how he felt about his dad not being in our home any more and he said "fine" I said, "use another word for me, fine is a good word but I want to hear a different description." He said, "good." I then asked him if he was using these words because he didn't know what else to say or if that was how he really felt...He said that that was how he was really feeling. Halloween night, he looked at me and said, "we need a new dad."
I told him no, that his dad loves him and that no matter what, he would always be his dad. That his dad just doesn't know how to talk about his feelings and some people, when they don't know how to talk, they think running away is the only way to fix it. I told him that running away never solves the problem...sometimes it only makes it worse. I told him that his dad was having problems with his feelings and that was why he left. That it was not his fault and that we both (mom and dad) still love him and always will. He then asked me, "am I going to be alone?" I said "No way baby, I will be here with you no matter what, I will never run away and you will have me as long as I live."
But I am still not sure. I keep calling this place here in my area that is supposed to call me back for an intake on counselling...they haven't called back. My ex took us off his insurance and we have no funds or health care. I am so hurt and angry...I want to cry...in fact I do. My ex is a stone wall...no emotion. I feel like a hornet in a jar that he is shaking...ugh~
thanks for listening.

You're son is 8 so I'm assuming there is access to a school guidance counselor. I have utilized them and they have been EXTREMELY helpful helping my kids through rough spots. They can often point you in the direction of outside help as well. Just call the school and ask to speak to the guidance counselor.

It's just not fair our innocent children have to suffer so much. Prayers for you both...and hugs.

thank you Becky, I homeschool but he has a school that he goes to on Wednesdays so, I will look into their facilities and see if they have anything available. I have tried to contact the Ace program trice and still....no call back :(

First I want to say GOOD FOR YOU!! That was a great way to express to your son how sharing is good. You didn't put Daddy down you just told the truth in a way a 8 year old can handle it!
Second...( I bold because this is very important info) CALL YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY!!!! HE HAS NO RIGHT TO TAKE YOU OFF INSURANCE YOU ARE MARRIED! My ex did the same thing, I called his employer and asked for the HR department and told the lady what was going on ( divorce not final) and told her that if I was not put back on the insurance policy i would be filing charges. I was back on the insurance with in the hour. Legally he can not remove you with out divorce papers. The courts will MAKE him pay for your sons insurance, First thing Monday morning call the court house in your area and ask for a number where you can file for child and spousal support, go file ( in PA it is free, I don't know about other states) Call his employer and the insurance company and explain that he walked out on you and cancelled your policy illegally. FIGHT until they put you back on. He can get into a lot of trouble for this. My ex was SOOOOOO P*SSED when he found out he cannot take me off his insurance, heck he can't take me off his insurance for 6 months after the divorce is final because I have to have insurance and medical assistance take 6 months after filing to get, I have Chron's and can't go that long with out.
I am so sorry you are going through all this at once. Some men are such cowards.
I'll pass on a piece of advice that I got from my sister in law...write EVERY THING down. I have a file on my lap top "List of Events" and I write everything that happens, everything my ex says to me down. Don't think you will remember it all, you won't there will be to much. Your brain will over load. Write dates, times, phone calls anything your son says down. It will be helpful when you see an attorney.

Wish I had a dollar for every hour I spent documenting... Probably wouldn't have to file bankruptcy.

Right I have 24 printed pages not to mention the ones still on my laptop. Didin't do me a bit of good because my judge is "pro father" but it has helped other people that I know...

yeah, I am writing quite a bit...but all the things that happened in the first week are so blurry...Wish I had a tape recorder for those moments. I am still trying to write them down.
Day 5 with no communication from ex but tonight my son is going to spend the night at my ex's parent's house...he used to spend the night over there monthly and they want to see him...I am sure that he will see his father there as well since his father lives across the river at his grandmother's house... but with such a stunted emotional personality that my ex has, I am starting to worry about the negative effects it might have on my child. I don't want him going anywhere with his father though...I have full temporary custody and want to voice that opinion. I don't want my ex taking him to see his dad...my ex's estranged father is crazy...funny how, after six years of silence with his father, he reconnects with him then weeks later, leaves his family...kind of like what his father did.

Note to self, get a tape recorder! my brain can't hold everything it is trying to hold :(

Not sure if I would let him go to in laws.......that how my ex took my kids and refused to give them back...his b*tch of a mom helped him. "Oh please let me see the boys, I miss them" so i did and then she gave them to ex...2 weeks I didn't hear from or see my kids.
I got one (recorder) at Radio Shack. Best $20 I spent, helps me remember everything. If I don't have time to write it down right away I will record what ever it is I need to write down on my way to work in the morning or before I go to bed at night. When my kids are asleep or not around, I keep it in my purse just incase I need it for pick up s and drop offs. That is when my ex gets nasty. He baits me in front of the kids. Now I just hit record as soon as I open my door.