Hi Jean, no it wasn't boredom. We were together 17 years, in the beginning it was alcohol (his not mine-I rarely drink). Control has always been an element and I lived many years in my bedroom once I had put our child to bed (my husband stopped drinking for 7 years and work took the place of alcohol). He was very negative about everything, belittle me one minute tell me I was wonderful the next.
His moods became darker and he started becoming really abusive verbally towards me.
I would sit upstairs thinking 'how can I get away from this?'. I remember looking at places to rent about two years before I actually left. I would let things go and if we were ok it was wonderful but it just always turned bad because of his moods. I never really argued would just try and keep the peace but nothing was good enough. The good became so infrequent. One day he carried on so much I was rooted to the spot through fear (I am not a fearful person). I think that was the moment.
He sees all this now and regrets his behaviour, says he was a fool. He also says if given the chance he would make it up to me.
I didnt have contact with my friends and barely my family because he fell out with all of them, I was isolated. I coped with it all except his behaviour, it became so bad I used to park up on the way home from work and just sit wasting time so it would be nearer to him falling asleep. Crazy.

Of course there is another side to him, the one I see more of now, the good side. He says the 'real him'.

I put everything into our marriage, always the one to 'give up' things. He provided though and it was as if that was enough for the marriage. It wasnt. I used to say, we would like less things and more time with you.
The irony, his business is falling apart and he barely goes in, says he doesnt care. He drinks and gets himself into more trouble. this is a man who now is quite familiar with the police and courts who had never been in trouble.

He is without doubt a difficult man, he knows this. His life is in bits now, he says he needs me to make it right.
I fought so long to escape and now Im baffled that I want to go back. Im seeing all the bits I loved about him.
Sometimes we connected so strongly, we have been through so much together. When it was good it was incredible but when it wasnt it was truly awful. No halfway measures.

He is arrogant, rude, cruel, funny, sensitive and insecure.

If I had never walked out my life would be pretty rubbish that I know, but now, maybe it would be what we used to have.

But there are others to consider. Sometimes we make our beds.

I cant believe this is my escape, I thought it would be so much different, thought my heart would be relieved and free.

A lot has happened throughout and there are some things I dont know if I can forgive. It hasnt been pleasant.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired and never seeing the end of the road.

Sorry, Im always bleating about feeling this and that, I know, but it just seems never ending.

Abbey, much of your post could describe my stbx. He worked non-stop, drank excessively (which was a side of him I had no idea existed until a few years into our marriage), made me feel insignificant. We would have a blow out and then he could act as though nothing happened. What I found, though, was that just when I thought things were getting better, he ALWAYS reverted back to his old self. He is controlling and can control by saying or doing just the right things. Now he works MUCH less. He is taking part in activities I didn't even know he had interest in. Drinking? I suspect he still drinks excessively, but I don't think its as frequently. If you were to go back, I believe you would find that your ex would be better for awhile, but it wouldn't be long and you would begin to see more and more of the person you needed to leave. Hugs.

Becky

thanks for that. I guess I just don't know a) how to let go of the wonderful bits of him and b) if I will ever love to that degree ever again.
I feel like I haven't felt 'normal' for such a long time. Always a burden of hurt inside and I so want to be 'me' again. It's just not happening and I'm beginning to think going back must be the only answer. Yet even that option is difficult because of the choices I have made, often in reaction to the things that have happened and my attempt at moving forward.

You mentioned that you want to be "you" again. Many times when you're putting so much into somebody else and trying to keep the peace, you do lose a sense of "self". The same thing happened to me...lots of emotional abuse, control..manipulation. I did not have the drinking issue to deal with. You also mentioned in an earlier message that you were living with someone and didn't want to hurt his feelings. My opinion is that you might want to consider distancing yourself from all men for a time. You need to find that happiness within...without men. If you can afford it, go to counseling to sort out your feelings. You are strong! Stand strong and reconnect with yourself. Find peace at church and pray. I know this is all easier said than done, but you can do it.

Thanks Jean,

more than anything I want peace within. My situation is such that I am now in a corner. I have committed to 10 months financially and can not possibly make a move independantly now (as I would still have the committment I have agreed to, I have effectively shot myself in the foot because circumstances played against me). Had there been an option to stay where I was I would have taken it for the time being.

I am not materialistic and would walk away, keep the financial agreement and stay with friends. If I was sure it was the right thing to do. I do know that if I ask my partner for 'time' once more I will lose him.

I have read the article Strong spirit mentioned. Im fighting with all I have to make my ex a whole person instead of splitting him which is what I have been doing.
My feelings for my ex are now ruining every good thing I have. I am becoming distant and closing myself off emotionally, I see myself doing it and can not stop it from happening. I have a loving, good man who adores me. He is moral, decent and respectful. I am pining for a man who is rude, a liability, risk taking. The fun bits were few and far between but they seem to have taken over in my mind. He happened to be a cool dad most of the time too. I miss that for my son.

Going off at a tangent.

Its as though I have protected my memories with my ex by not making new ones with my partner, I do things seperately, especially with my son. I dont know how to change what Im doing. My new partner said I was existing within a bubble. Think he is correct. I think I try to avoid situations where I can watch him with my son, compare and feel dissapointed that its not his dad. I already do it in the house so ...

I drove to work this morning and I was hurting so bad, I aknowledged it outloud and said , 'yup this hurts but its ok Im getting through it'.

Im scared above all that I love my ex in a way I will never feel again. Im confused that it hurts so much after so long.

Rant rant rant, 2 steps forward 4 steps back.

I shall check out the site Stron spirit mentioned, I have the book but I have got stuck already with the 'no contact' bit. I dont make contact but when I get an email I respond. He doesnt have my telephone number so he has to email me. Then I can get 20 a day or more. Just general chit chat. I dont feel strong enough to stop the contact, I feel like an addict after a few days Im (well Im like I am now) and the fix just calms me down (except it doesnt really does it because then Im stuck here).
I know it, I see it but I just cant stop it. I thought it would be easier with time and its just not.

Sorry, dont even know if Im making sense anymore. I am begining to feel pathetic and embarassed. Ive stopped talking to people because I feel they must be sick and tired of me. Man I feel that way about myself.

I dont want to be sad forever and yet right now thats how I think its gonna be. Im scared it will never ever go away. Stupid really.

Jean, this is my gut feeling too. I know it has been long enough after my ex left that I am getting over him & processing the feelings. BUT I could not have done it with another man around. It has to be OK to FEEL the feelings & with another man nearby there is resistance to allow this to flow/ with them feeling jealous or not sure about where they fit etc.
My own situation, there is now someone that is wanting to date me. I can see possibilities definitely. HOWEVER, my gut tells me he is not completely grounded past his divorce & I do not yet feel grounded. I am seeking counsel to figure out some of these things. My gut tells me I will create a better safety net around myself by distancing from all men for awhile. This new guy was not pleased with that statement to him.. & I am going to talk to someone in regard to get feedback. But it does seem that it's very important to allow time to heal completely, have good support systems in place, before venturing into another relationship. That's my understanding of healthy.. I know there are grey areas to situations.. but it seems more prudent to get self healed before walking in wounded to another love/relationship. I'm still, "healing in progress," but that's my gut feeling too. Take some time to heal if you can/ or at least process with counselor. Even the bible talks about seeking counsel.
:)

Thusfar I have not been able to, "date," since divorce. I wonder if it's scarey to think of being on one's own for people married a long time. I was single quite some time before marrying, so the idea of being alone is not frightening to me at all, BUT it does take time to reorder one's life after major loss. I know it's not black & white..
I wonder too, if you couldn't take the step of getting your own place for awhile. I have not, "dated," anyone since ex left. I've had some interested but just cannot bring myself to getting close. Lately is the closest I have come yet I still see how vital (LITERALLY) to my wellbeing, having strong supports is. It takes TIME to heal & one needs a circle of friends, a smaller circle of friends & a few close friends, to feel, "healthy."
I know from being single a long time, being alone/single is perfectly ok, but not having supports /being grounded, is not!!!
Pray & ask God To Help you.
He Will Not Steer you wrong!

Abbey,
go to www.gettingpastyourpast.com and create an account and log in (it's free, someone else mentioned this site in a post a while ago and I checked it out and it's good). then scroll down the right side to "Recent posts" and click on "the pain of splitting (good/bad)". Susan Elliott (the person who wrote the book and runs the site) is really amazing. Her words in this post will speak to you. She writes about 'splitting' a person into a good part and a bad part. How we hold on to that good part and wish the bad away. Here's the end of the post:
"The splitting is tough but when you’re doing it…holding onto the loving person…remember to concentrate on the person who hurt you and know they are the same person.
If you’re splitting, work on grieving the good person but keep acknowledging the hurtful person. They are one and the same.
And be glad that neither are still in your life.
But you still are.
Be good to yourself and put the two haves together…and then dump them both.
You can do it!!!"

I am using this advice too. I take my stbx back over and over. I hold onto those thoughts of when he is my best friend and lover and awesome father. But truth is those times don't even make up 1/4 of our relationship. I would say it's been maybe...1/10 of our 20 year marriage. That's just not good enough. The 'bad' him and the 'good' him are the SAME person. One does not exist without the other. Anytime I feel myself questioning my decision, I remind myself of this. Remember your post a while back when you thought you had lost your relationship with your new boyfriend? remember how glad you were when you got back together? Go back to those feelings. Your ex says he 'needs' you to be OK? No. He NEEDS to grow up then. This proves he has not changed. A true man can take care of himself and a good relationship is when people are together because of mutual trust, respect, and love, that you WANT to be together, not NEED to be. You really sound like you have gotten away and can have a peaceful life (you deserve it) and I really hope you can see how blessed you are. Sometimes the turmoil, the drama, is our comfort, it's all we've known forever. And when things are good and calm, it's almost like, woah, something bad is sure to happen soon to mess it up. Let the calm continue. Pray a lot. Anytime the ex comes to your mind, think of all the crap he did you you, think of how much nicer your life is now, and say thank you to God for getting you away from that and show gratitude by appreciating what you have. I really hope you can be happy, it would truly break my heart if you got out of a bad marriage, got into a good relationship, then threw it all away and got back to square one. Please keep us updated. You have lots of positive energy sent your way from all of us who want you to be happy and DON'T GO BACK!

That spoke to me. My friend (the psychotherapist who says Im his ongoing project!) keeps telling me that i split my ex into two people and that I lose sight that he is one.
So your words have hit home.
yes I was in agony when I thought I had lost my new partner and heaven knows what on earth is wrong with me now.
I am going to look up that site, I am in hurry now but wanted to thank you so much.

Thanks Jean

I just wrote a long reply and lost it (grrrrr).

I have shot myself in the foot and put myself in a situation.
Financially I have committed to the next 10 months (property) so I can not afford to move out unless I stay with friends. I would not feel moraly able to walk away from the commitment I have made, so I would be paying every moth for a place I wasnt living in which would mean I cant afford to rent somewhere myself and would have to scrape by staying at friends. Possible but something I need to be very certain of before doing. If I walk out from my partner there will be no more chances, I have asked for 'space' too many times, it isnt fair and I wouldnt excpect him to wait (again). I did not want to make the move and would have stayed where I was for longer but the owners decided to sell the property I was in so I had to move.

Its almost like I met the most perfect man but at the wrong time. I will lose him for good if I throw another wobbler.

My partner is kind, decent, together, upstanding, respectful and adores me.
My ex is a liability, no respect for anyone, negative, foul mouthed, vulgar, a bit of a wild card.
He is probably about to lose everything WE built up over the years because he has gone back to drinking.
BUT he is interesting, I can listen to him for hours when he talks (he stopped talking and slept mostly but has started again). When he laughs it is the most wonderful sound to me and when he smiles, well.

But this man, my ex has almost destroyed me. He has done things I never imagined possible, he blames the seperation and drink. I think I am emotionally crippled, thats how I feel.

I dont do things with my new partner because I live in a bubble, the bubble protects my old memories by not making new ones because I am scared they wont live up to the old. How weird do I sound?

I find it difficult watching my son with my new partner because my head is full of, 'its not the same' 'ex would have found that really funny' 'ex would have done it differently'. Its a constant comparason that I cant stop in my head and then it just hurts.
Going on holiday is a battle I constantly fight because I think it will be a disaster when all I will think about is our previous holidays as a family.

I do everything seperate with my son, I can see Im doing it and cant stop myself.

Im still a mess after all this time. Ive stopped talking to people because Im sure they must be so bored and tired with me. Im embarassed and ashamed of myself that I havent progressed, that my feelings are still in control and that I cant get a grip. I look like I have but inside Im all over.

Every waking moment Im trapped in torment, have I made a mistake? Should I go back? will it work? Will I lose the best thing ever to happen to me?

I dont care about the finances, I can go bankrupt at my ex's side if my heart is at peace, if its the right thing to do.
How would I live with the guilt of breaking my partners heart who REALLY does not deserve any of this?

Why can I not get a grip on my emotions?

I ggot the book (How to turn a breakup..) and stumbled at no contact. I never make contact but my ex does. I understand why he does it because it is like an addiction, and the longer the time the worse it gets. So he emails me asking how Im doing. he cant call me doesnt have my number, but I look forward sometimes to the email. My fix, makes me calmer except my head knows that it doesnt because it simply feeds our addiction to each other and keeps us stuck. I have ended contact several times when we have had major fall outs and I wanted it to stop there because it was easier, but when he is nice it just seems impossible to put a stop to it. We may go a week, then I get a message begging me to contact him (sometimes from a third party) because he is in trouble. How, after everything, our lives together, can I turn my back when he is in trouble? I cant. He knows I cant.

He loves me and he says he knows I love him. I tell him it isnt enough.
I have lost respect for him. Ive never met such a liar.

I was so happy with my partner and now he is still wonderful and it doesnt seem to be enough. I sound ridiculous, im so frustrated with myself for not being in a different place. I never thought it would be so hard and long.

Constant constant constant.

Abbey,
I think what you describe, that overwhelming exhaustion is typical in divorce. When grieving one has take things one step at a time. It IS crazy, that's how it feels to me. All the dreams, that entire life planned out, with now ex, that easily could have been is not, merely because of his selfish greed. I think prioritizing is so important.
OK what DO you have? you have your son, he is a key player in your life, today & ongoing, so that would be priority. As to your boyfriend, he knew you were grieving when you hooked up/ either still with your husband or not, he was aware of the situation & the potential for being hurt, it's too bad but he's an adult so that's just a fact. It is RISKY when healing to get closely involved, it happens, sometimes it might be successful but oftentimes there has to be work done in self first.
You husband, you have detached from years ago it sounds like, you psychologically separated a long time ago, BUT you have to grieve it properly to conclusion for your peace of mind & to be a good mother to your son. That's the way I see it.
What I do, is try to keep God my focus, to do what is pleasing to HIM. For some reason, as nuts as things can seem & they often are in this/ at least I know JESUS Is my Friend & Guide.
I think your goal would be to find a place of your own, maybe a little tiny place, where you have quiet time, stability for you & your son, get your finances in order with the ex. As to bfriend, my dear, he is adult man, he knew when he got into this with you that it was complicated. He is a big boy & I think you would do everyone well to worry about you, your boy, & working to simplify.
"Be Still & Know That I Am God." We do not have to prove anything to anyone, it's about our salvation, doing what is right in HIS EYES!
Maybe start by mothering yourself & your son & then recreate that order you need again!
God Bless you!

JLVR,

thank you so very much for your response. Im going to ponder on what you have said. I do tend to think of everyone else first, the impact of whatever I decide.

Yes my son is the be all and end all.

I actually have tied myself in so nicely I couldnt afford even the smallest of places, but in the end I can work around that, Ive suffered hardship many times in the past and it really doesnt phase me, how my heart feels does.

Thank you.