That spoke to me. My friend (the psychotherapist who says Im his ongoing project!) keeps telling me that i split my ex into two people and that I lose sight that he is one.
So your words have hit home.
yes I was in agony when I thought I had lost my new partner and heaven knows what on earth is wrong with me now.
I am going to look up that site, I am in hurry now but wanted to thank you so much.

Thanks Jean

I just wrote a long reply and lost it (grrrrr).

I have shot myself in the foot and put myself in a situation.
Financially I have committed to the next 10 months (property) so I can not afford to move out unless I stay with friends. I would not feel moraly able to walk away from the commitment I have made, so I would be paying every moth for a place I wasnt living in which would mean I cant afford to rent somewhere myself and would have to scrape by staying at friends. Possible but something I need to be very certain of before doing. If I walk out from my partner there will be no more chances, I have asked for 'space' too many times, it isnt fair and I wouldnt excpect him to wait (again). I did not want to make the move and would have stayed where I was for longer but the owners decided to sell the property I was in so I had to move.

Its almost like I met the most perfect man but at the wrong time. I will lose him for good if I throw another wobbler.

My partner is kind, decent, together, upstanding, respectful and adores me.
My ex is a liability, no respect for anyone, negative, foul mouthed, vulgar, a bit of a wild card.
He is probably about to lose everything WE built up over the years because he has gone back to drinking.
BUT he is interesting, I can listen to him for hours when he talks (he stopped talking and slept mostly but has started again). When he laughs it is the most wonderful sound to me and when he smiles, well.

But this man, my ex has almost destroyed me. He has done things I never imagined possible, he blames the seperation and drink. I think I am emotionally crippled, thats how I feel.

I dont do things with my new partner because I live in a bubble, the bubble protects my old memories by not making new ones because I am scared they wont live up to the old. How weird do I sound?

I find it difficult watching my son with my new partner because my head is full of, 'its not the same' 'ex would have found that really funny' 'ex would have done it differently'. Its a constant comparason that I cant stop in my head and then it just hurts.
Going on holiday is a battle I constantly fight because I think it will be a disaster when all I will think about is our previous holidays as a family.

I do everything seperate with my son, I can see Im doing it and cant stop myself.

Im still a mess after all this time. Ive stopped talking to people because Im sure they must be so bored and tired with me. Im embarassed and ashamed of myself that I havent progressed, that my feelings are still in control and that I cant get a grip. I look like I have but inside Im all over.

Every waking moment Im trapped in torment, have I made a mistake? Should I go back? will it work? Will I lose the best thing ever to happen to me?

I dont care about the finances, I can go bankrupt at my ex's side if my heart is at peace, if its the right thing to do.
How would I live with the guilt of breaking my partners heart who REALLY does not deserve any of this?

Why can I not get a grip on my emotions?

I ggot the book (How to turn a breakup..) and stumbled at no contact. I never make contact but my ex does. I understand why he does it because it is like an addiction, and the longer the time the worse it gets. So he emails me asking how Im doing. he cant call me doesnt have my number, but I look forward sometimes to the email. My fix, makes me calmer except my head knows that it doesnt because it simply feeds our addiction to each other and keeps us stuck. I have ended contact several times when we have had major fall outs and I wanted it to stop there because it was easier, but when he is nice it just seems impossible to put a stop to it. We may go a week, then I get a message begging me to contact him (sometimes from a third party) because he is in trouble. How, after everything, our lives together, can I turn my back when he is in trouble? I cant. He knows I cant.

He loves me and he says he knows I love him. I tell him it isnt enough.
I have lost respect for him. Ive never met such a liar.

I was so happy with my partner and now he is still wonderful and it doesnt seem to be enough. I sound ridiculous, im so frustrated with myself for not being in a different place. I never thought it would be so hard and long.

Constant constant constant.

Abbey,
I think what you describe, that overwhelming exhaustion is typical in divorce. When grieving one has take things one step at a time. It IS crazy, that's how it feels to me. All the dreams, that entire life planned out, with now ex, that easily could have been is not, merely because of his selfish greed. I think prioritizing is so important.
OK what DO you have? you have your son, he is a key player in your life, today & ongoing, so that would be priority. As to your boyfriend, he knew you were grieving when you hooked up/ either still with your husband or not, he was aware of the situation & the potential for being hurt, it's too bad but he's an adult so that's just a fact. It is RISKY when healing to get closely involved, it happens, sometimes it might be successful but oftentimes there has to be work done in self first.
You husband, you have detached from years ago it sounds like, you psychologically separated a long time ago, BUT you have to grieve it properly to conclusion for your peace of mind & to be a good mother to your son. That's the way I see it.
What I do, is try to keep God my focus, to do what is pleasing to HIM. For some reason, as nuts as things can seem & they often are in this/ at least I know JESUS Is my Friend & Guide.
I think your goal would be to find a place of your own, maybe a little tiny place, where you have quiet time, stability for you & your son, get your finances in order with the ex. As to bfriend, my dear, he is adult man, he knew when he got into this with you that it was complicated. He is a big boy & I think you would do everyone well to worry about you, your boy, & working to simplify.
"Be Still & Know That I Am God." We do not have to prove anything to anyone, it's about our salvation, doing what is right in HIS EYES!
Maybe start by mothering yourself & your son & then recreate that order you need again!
God Bless you!

JLVR,

thank you so very much for your response. Im going to ponder on what you have said. I do tend to think of everyone else first, the impact of whatever I decide.

Yes my son is the be all and end all.

I actually have tied myself in so nicely I couldnt afford even the smallest of places, but in the end I can work around that, Ive suffered hardship many times in the past and it really doesnt phase me, how my heart feels does.

Thank you.