The feeling of loneliness is killing me. Not that I didn't feel this way while married. Or when a child. I guess it has been with me a LONG time. I try so hard to reach out but I don't know how. I pray a lot and try to have a relationship with God and tell myself I am never alone. My head gets this, my heart doesn't. I feel deeply, desperately alone. Like there's a hole where my heart should be. I talk to people wherever I go but usually get the feeling that they just want me to go away so I do. I have ideas of how I can meet people but never have time for myself. I have no help with my kids and they are old enough that I can say take care of yourselves for a couple of hours I have to do something and they are fine but I only do this rarely and if it is work related. Time I think of for me is early morning but then I tend to change my mind and opt for a bit more sleep! I even contacted a local church about a divorce support group and got no reply. My stbx ignores me and treats me like I don't exist and sometimes I wonder if he's right. I went to Al-anon meetings but now it's hard for me to get there because of kids schedules plus I don't feel like I need help dealing with my stbx drinking problems, I need help in getting him out of my house and getting me energy so I can do what needs to be done. But this darn loneliness is like a beast and steals my energy and fills my head with thoughts of worthlessness. It's making me self-medicate with alcohol so I don't have to care if I can't think or feel and it screams at me that I am just as bad as him. Sure, he is never here and goes out and drinks at bars. Sure I am here for my kids and go to work and function well but then when no one is looking I drink and dull the pain enough so I can sleep. Which makes me feel weak that I have no better way of coping but I don't have social support here and I try music and meditation and distraction but ultimately the feelings of self-loathing take over and I can't function so i figure I am not functioning anyway so might as well put a wine bandaid on it and go to sleep and then I am mad at myself for not doing what I should have done and for having self-pity and so the cycle continues. How to break free??? I feel I KNOW the person I truly am, I know my potential. But these nagging feelings and constant negative chatter in my head stops me and I can't break free. I try to use thoughts of my potential success as a way of showing him he can go to Hell but it's just not enough because I feel so lonely and I know other people feel this way sometimes, i am not unique, but understanding that doesn't help either. So if anyone had this feeling and BROKE FREE please give some advice! Each day I hate myself more and more and I am trying so hard to be good to myself so this is not working! It's like I keep replaying everything i do and say how how stupid I was to do that and how I should have done things differently. I am sure I'll regret posting this in 5...4...3...2...

StrongSpirit, I hope you don't regret posting this. You are reaching and you NEED to do that. If you are self medicating with alcohol perhaps you should see if you can make it work to go to Al Anon to help yourself find other ways of coping. I very much understand the problem with children's schedules interfering with other things you may need to do. Do you have any support? Any family that can take the kids just once a week for your meetings? Is individual counseling an option for you. Having a church not returning a phone call when you are reaching out is something like being put on hold when you dial 911. Have you looked into other churches or nondenominational religious based organizations? If for no other reason you need to take care of yourself for your children. Your children need you and need you to be well, even if that means you will have to be away from them from time to time to get the help you need. It is good that you are reaching out to God. I am reminded of the poem "Footsteps" where it ends by saying that those times when there was only 1 set of footprints in the sand, those are te times our good Lord was carrying you. Hugs.

Wow! StrongSpirit, that was a powerful post. There was a time I felt that way. I'd sit on the front porch and watch the cars go by, hoping someone would stop by and say hi.
About that church that didn't return the call, call them again, and again if needed. I've heard those divorce support groups are really helpful. When you finally get into the group, bring up the fact that nobody returned your call. Somebody was remiss there and it needs to be straightened out.
I think that the way I broke the cycle was by talking to peope about them. Not about me, about them. People love to talk about themselves. Ask them about something that you know happened in their lives or compliment them on their clothes. Anything about them.
And definitely join a group. Hopefully, it will be the divorce support group.

Thank you both for your replies. I was in individual counseling for a while. I was doing better. I stopped for a while and when I called back to see if I could continue I was met with a cold attitude and felt like I was being annoying that I stopped then a few weeks later changed my mind. I was told to call a certain company and see if I could continue to be compensated for the sessions. I didn't bother. I guess I should have but I felt like when these people are dealing with emotionally fragile people they should be a bit more compassionate and the cold attitude just put me off so I didn't. I guess that was immature of me, but I just felt like...ahh, forget it. If I am being annoying, it's OK, I can do this on my own. I have looked at other churches for divorce groups but I can't find one. Maybe I'll see if I can at least get counseling. I still try to talk with people, I don't ever talk about myself (nothing good to say!). It's usually asking how old their child is (when I am somewhere with mine and the kids are off together), or ask about their dog, stuff like that. Just people are usually with their friends so don't want to talk to me, I am just the weird random lady who starts chatting. I try to not be invasive or overly chatty, so maybe they think I am just making polite small talk and go away now, or maybe they think I am annoying and go away now. Or maybe I am too sensitive and assume they want me to go away now I swear, if he was NOT IN MY HOUSE I would feel better. Knowing we are still married and knowing he can come by any time (or not) is stressful and makes me feel lonely. If he is GONE, I can relax and enjoy my time alone, nothing there to make me feel worthless. Today I am working at home (taking a little break here!!) and he was here and I called down to him in the basement 'when are you leaving' because his mere presence is draining. As soon as he leaves...I can breathe. Anyway, thanks for your responses, made me feel NOT alone and NOT invisible, so thank you!

Hey Strong spirit, you are certainly not alone in your loneliness and believe me you acn feel that way with people around you, its the feeling of no one really getting how you are feeling inside.

At teh risk of sounding slightly crazy, I cant paint, cant draw, im rubbish. I always wished I had artistic talent. On a whim I bought myself some acrylic paints and decided that because I no longer had words to describe how I felt I would just paint my feelings.

And boy did I paint. Dying trees, vortexs (just use of colours) I became quite obsessed, because the painting was a way of getting my feelings in the open.

Maybe you could try it or something you always wanted to try and never dared? In your own time do something that eases how you feel.
No one is there to judge.

LOLS, Strong spirit, if you read my typos you can probably tell Id also had a tipple to help with the stress!
Ive never been a drinker but of late took to having a glass or two during the evening just to unwind and stop the constant natter in my head. It will pass, its a phase, seems to me we do what we need to during phases, nothing to be ashamed about and yes at one point all I did was sleep.
We try different coping strategies until we are through it i think. its ok, whatever you do to cope and however you feel is ok, you will get through the other side, we all will, we do what we must.
Not everyone 'gets' where we are at, but here, here is a safe place for us. You are not alone. everyone here can understand where you are at. we are all over the globe but we understand. never be afraid to say how you feel, ive also had dark hours and regretted hitting that send button the next day. Actually Ive had more strength and encouragement from here than anywhere else.
Hit that send button, share how you feel, let those feelings out. We are here to listen, to support and to simply say, we actually care.
I cant tell you the times Ive gone through my day thinking of one of you guys on here, the compassion and understanding though on a screen is coming from real women who share your feelings.

I thank God that I found this place because the honesty of the women on here has often really given me strength and let me know that I am not alone. just as you are not alone.

Its ok to feel like crap as long as you know its a phase, it will pass and it is not who you are.
You have offered strength and hope to others, truth, I am one of them.

You WILL get there.