Blindsided, I read most of what you wrote and didn't see anything he could use against you in court.
I'm not a lawyer.. but it sounds as if you are just stating facts of how he treated you in the marriage.
Not sure if you are in counseling, can afford it, but it does help to share the emotions! Also this forum, other's too, in healing, to just, let it out.
As you probably are aware, after split, & in these situations it's better to post our feelings in places like this than to send them to ex who doesn't get it, or they would not have done what they did/over & over.
I can relate I was married to one of these types.
He didn't want to work through anything, & while dating is one thing/people can choose to stay or leave, but marriage is another as to commitment & being true & working on.
What I have come to realize thusfar since ex has been gone & it's been long enough that I am not in the hurt stage /more in recovery stage as to my life now post divorce, but there is this chaos about these types that they want to keep things crazy, ungrounded. SO, this is an opportunity for you to have this solidness in your life & for your child.
These types usually don't change, what you have written sounds like he is abusive to you,maybe not physically but emotionally.
Something I think about a LOT as a single person/ now divorced,is that I have to protect myself. If I feel that I am putting myself in danger, then I do what I need to go to get to where I am safe. I pray to God, seek HIM, HIS PROTECTION & GUIDANCE. Pretend there is a shield, THE ARMOR OF GOD Surrounding you & your child/ren.
The healing comes in taking one day at a time, seeing The Light of God & believing in all things...
Fruits of The Spirit, Faith, Hope & Love.
Keep writing but post it here/ other places where you feel safe & can heal.
For me right now, I am trying to reach out for spiritual counself.. where I'm living. Trying to move outward now as I have done a lot of healing.
it's all a Process.
& I think about this a lot too. "Be Still & Know That I Am God."
Take care & God Bless!

BlindSided, I really don't think there's anything in the email that he can use against you. It broke my heart to read it, yep, tears dripping on my keyboard, but hey, that's OK. If he keeps the email, he should hang his head in shame and HIDE it so no one else sees it. There is nothing there that makes you look bad. In fact if I were you I'd hang onto it and draw from it when making YOUR case! I know what you mean about this being a throw away society. It seems that way to me too. It doesn't work out, get another. I am even amazed at people who live together to see how it goes and then decide to get married. I'm not saying anything about people's choices in terms of living together or not (that's a whole different thought process), I just mean specifically to see if they are compatible for marriage. You either love unconditionally or not. Seems like most love conditionally. And when they don't get their way, instead of dealing with it like an adult, working together towards understanding and compromise, they run away. Hmm. I just wrote "run away like a child" and then deleted "like a child". Children do not love unconditionally. You know as a mom. Don't know how old your son is, but sometimes you get mad at him right? And he at you. I know I've had my share of back talk and 'evil eyes', especially from my 16-year old! But there's always that underlying feeling of love. We can be furious at each other but never fear abandonment. My kids know I am always here for them no mater what and regardless of arguments. And I never worry for a second that either of my kids would become runaways. Because there is that unmistakable bond of UNCONDITIONAL love. That is what these men lack. I agree with you, love is a verb. Yours told you he loved you. Mine did to. And I think they did. But not unconditionally and not in the way we need to be loved. I consider myself pretty laid back, I do not demand things to be done my way, I don't expect people in my life to put me first and have no life of their own. I know we are all busy and I definitely don't depend on others for happiness. But that feeling of belonging, of acceptance, trust, and love, is so important. I have that with my kids but I never had it with my childhood family and most definitely not with my stbx. He would call me and tell me he's coming home from work and never show up. When he finally came home from the bars and I confronted him, he'd say he didn't hear love in my voice. Ummm...what??? Yeah, excuses to do what he wants and blame me. How stupid. Anyway, I wouldn't worry about the email, but I also wouldn't send him any more unless it was business-like. I am so sorry you have to go through this, to feel the betrayal from not only him but also his family. For me it is torture, been married almost 20 years and he has treated me awful the whole time, but it is also easier for me, I think, than to feel safe and secure in a marriage and suddenly have it all gone. I have never felt loved or safe with him so getting away is all I want. For yours to have lied to you to the extent of not even giving you a clue...that is really low and I cannot understand for the life of me how someone could treat another human being that way, not even to be there for the innocent children. So so sad and so wrong in indescribable ways. Love and peace to you and your son, stay strong.

I know that this was it. I had to get it all out because he was giving me complete radio silence. He was not giving me the opportunities for the closure I needed to start the healing process so when he wrote saying 'to get all the bills put in my name asap and that he would give me money for the time being (until the legal proceedings) and that he was walking away from the cell phone for the family contract (that is in my name)and I would have to write it up as an expense... oh and by the way, I am sorry for hurting you, I really am.
I feel that this man only knows how to give sucker punches. I am a homeschool mother and was trying to start a business at home but that has stalled for the moment, since my world went upside down.
I wrote all this so I can purge these horrible thoughts that bounce around in my head like angry wasps in a jar. I am not a typically angry person, so I just used the opportunity to say my peace so I can move forward without holding on to all this.
I was told not to write him anything because he could turn around and use it against me. I wrote this so fast and sent it that I didn't think about that until afterwards.
My though, it felt good. I hope he cries alone in his pillow every night. I hope he realizes that what we had was what everyone's fighting for and some people never get a chance at a loving family like he had their whole lives and he just threw it away and is sorry for it, I want sweet karmic justice at this point...but, I also want to walk away from that and get to the point again where all this hurt is faded and my life and that of my boys who DO love me unconditionally, will out shine all these hurts. I think this email was my last email and conversation on an emotion level...and the first step to my healing process. Thank you ladies for your input . I really am glad you are out there for me~

Blindsided, I think it's normal to react, to share emotions during a break up.
Something I thought of when I was reading your post & it is not directly related to it, and same here, I think it did not speak poorly to you at all, but merely summarized how you have been feeling & were treated.. what I was thinking is that in ending a relationship, or any type, even at work, when there is an end, there's often upset. An incident or incidents that cause grief/contention. One sees this in teenagers, when something is ending, there is often chaos of one sort/ as there is going to be a break in. The abusers will keep this a constant, either it's their brain functioning (inability to process correctly) or their upbringing. It would be one thing to have this on occassion then time to adjust.
My own situation is that I have been away from ex for awhile but not mended yet! I think it's great to let the emotions out, in places where there is processing, like here, etc., & to share in common, thus one can let go of the intensity eventually.
I think I am still shocked a bit at the amount of work post divorce. It is incredible. MAYBE, it is a bit of a blessing that some of this bulk has landed on Our plates? in that, we are forced to stall/stop/ think about & FEEL all of this;whereas the men that just walk away & act as if nothing happened leaving all to us, likely go about & recreate what was/keep in chaos.
Some days I am overwhelmed. BUT, if I keep God my focus, try not to expect too much of myself but be greatful for each little achievement along the way.
Then at the end of the day I feel peace & blessed.
When I push into something too fast or get confused, I try to remind myself, ok that's not from/of God.
There's a pace to what is from above, God's Will, & HIS TIMING.
Lately too I have been thinking about self protection, as in dating, & I am not talking sexual protection, as I believe it's wrong outside of marriage (fornication!), but that I am really just wanting to get grounded, without having to Worry about someone else.
When we die, we die alone, with HIM, JESUS, thrust into complete healing & Heavenbound is the goal.
When these thoughts are in my mind, then I just relax & take one minute at a time.. knowing that HE IS IN CONTROl.
My ex & yours, the abusive guys or controllers, don't often allow themselves to fall into HIS ARMS, but resist that complete surrender to HIS WILL.
We are never alone with HIM!
Your letter sounds very normal under the circumstances.. as you say, probably wise to keep future ones/ post other places where healing & closure will take place! It sounds like you're doing great!

thank you so much!

Quite a few years ago my neighbor's son was married with 3 daughters. They lived basically in the same neighborhood. His wife was a stay at home mom and home schooled her kids. they were quite religious (at least she was) not so much they were preachy and judgmental (we all know these kinds of people) but such that she had strong beliefs and was very loving and caring. he used to bike and even took his eldest (maybe 9 at the time) on long bike rides (I mean to places that would take 45min-1 hour to drive) and the daughter did great. I am sure the girls loved their dad a lot and the wife was a good woman. Then he left. Took off to Colorado with another woman. Guess it was too much for him. What about his wife? Can she just run away when it all gets too tough? It's hard with a family but it's a good kind of hard work. What about his girls? We had moved away about 6 months when I found out so I was never able to follow up with her but I think of her often. The baby of the three would be a teenager now. I really truly believe something is wrong with their brains. I see some women, who are hugely overweight and not friendly and snap at their men, but the men are there. Probably because something is not right in the woman's brain but he is a good man and sticks to his marriage. Even look at Tiger Woods, she was a super model and what beautiful children. Before the truth was released my daughter did a school project on Tiger Woods, I remember looking at their family portrait with the dog and thinking what a lovely family, how happy they look together. But it's just a picture. This man had money, fame, model wife, gorgeous children, everything. But it wasn't enough. SO doesn't this prove it is something wrong with THEIR brains, not with us? Some of us feel grateful for being alive, see a blessing in every shadow. Others are never, ever satisfied. They are selfish and greedy and completely miss what matters. Perhaps they are lower on the evolutionary chain. Perhaps we took to them because we wanted to lift them up and show them the truth, show them how powerful love is. But they don't get it because they won't. So time to let go.

Amen to all you said Strongspirit...you are so right about these men. It is such a sad reality. My ex is one that needs constant attention and instant gratification. He was and is never happy with what he has or gets and that is such a sad way to live.

Susan

As was my ex. He had it all and it still wasn't enough for him. His loss....

I have well over 70 emails from my ex telling me things like "you will rot in hell for what you have done to our family" "If I had it my way you would be dead" All kinds of threats and horrible things. All because I got tired of his lies, his cheating and him leaving me alone while he "played the clown" at the bar until all hours of the night...I couldn't use a single one of them in court. I think that if anything he will be ashamed to show any of this in court. I cried, but then I am not a heartless man...My thoughts and prayers for your healing...

You are so right strongspirit! Why on earth we expect them to suddenly have an epiphany AFTER the marriage ends when they were so clueless IN the marriage is beyond me, but like you said its seems hardwired in us to try to 'make him see sense', 'see my point of view'. They never did before, why would they now.
I guess these are part of the stages of divorce, like any death its a process, I still cry, not at what I lost, but what he left behind even though it was my decision to kick him out. He gave up, when I gave him the prime opportunity to step up. I wasn't expecting him to read my mind either, I spelled it out in very large letters what I wanted and expected from him and he chose to sidestep what I wanted and go to what he needed.
It's always good to get it out of your head and put it down on 'paper', read it analyse it. I wrote an email to my stbx, left it for the night, came back and re-read it and decided to send it, it needed to be said and whether he 'got it' or not didn't matter, it was in his head now.

I have been separated about 4 months and going thru the divorce process. I also did the letter thing about 3 months ago while we were going thru the mediation process.

I worked on my letter for a couple of days and then asked him to meet me. I read the letter to him not expecting a reaction which was a good thing because he said nothing. But the letter was more for me to say my goodbyes and to verbally say the words out loud to him.

He wanted out of our marriage so it still hurts and I still cry. But I know in time it will hurt less and less.

But my point being putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper does help. It gives you some form of closure not complete closure but it does help!

Dont know if he can use it against you. But I loved it. Tell him like it is !