Okay so I told you all about "my ex the jerk" I have written him a letter and would like some input on it before I give it to him. I don't have an address so it will have to be hand delivered, when he picks up my kids. I am a little worried that he may seek revenge by way of talking about me with the kids around, as he always does. Is it wrong if I send it lawyer to lawyer? Will he use it against me? Will he actually take my advise and try to move past hurting me? I just don't know, so many questions and so many ways this could go????? Any input would be great.


November 15, 2010
____,
I am writing this letter because you refuse to talk to me about the issues you have with me. When you call it is only to inform me that you are not picking them up, and usually you get an attitude about making up the days you are missing and I hang up. You instead talk to _____ and make comments that are upsetting to him. During your call on Tuesday, November 9th when _____ was telling you about his report card and about the possibility of him moving into advanced math. You made the comment “ Your Mother is going to hear about not keeping me informed.” It may have been innocent but it upset him. He feels like he is caught in the middle of all of this. He asked me the other day “Mommy what can I do to make you and Dad be friends?” You do not hear these things because you do not want to. His bellyaches are a direct result of his anger, pain and confusion. I talk to him. I am the one who comforts him when he is upset, deals with his anger and am trying to help him with his confusion. I would appreciate if you would work with me and not against me.
It’s been almost 2 years. You need to stop focusing on hurting me and focus on your children.
Now in regards to informing you on school, I had copies of his report card and the letter from his teacher already made for you prior to the November 9th phone call. I had them ready for the boys to give you when you were picking them up for your scheduled visit, which you called to cancel. It is YOUR job to get these from the school if you want them sent to you. I will make you copies but if you want them sooner call and have them sent to you. I am not responsible for anything but putting your name down on their contact sheet. You have a phone and a computer, use them. I made you copies and that is as far as I am going in regards of doing your job as a father.
You live in Maryland. I do not know what times you are available for meetings, that is your job to make a time to meet with their teachers.
I am asking you to please stop talking to ______ about things you want to know, he is 9 not 19. If you want to know something call and talk to me. Leave a message or call back if I’m not home. It is unfair to him. Stop using him as a messenger boy.



Lisa

Do you have an email address? I think I'd include that, that way you don't actually have to speak to him on the phone and you have records of the contact he makes. Can you email him the letter instead of hand delivering? Can you ask your kids to wait inside for a moment and then tell him quickly that your son is hurting and that it's important he read the letter? I know mine wouldn't give a crap and probably wouldn't even read it. Can you tell your son that it's OK for him to say it makes him sad when he says bad things about you? If you can send it lawyer to lawyer that might be a good idea. Can they help at all? I don't see anything in the letter that can be used against you. Why do they have to be this way? I wanted children so much and I love mine so much and most times I feel like I am glad I was with their dad because it means they were born but sometimes I feel so guilty to have given them this life. He is a scum and I should have known better than to have kids with him. But I loved him and believed his lies. And now my children suffer because of my choices. I try to be strong for them but I just can't keep it up any more. You sound much stronger than me, you are being a great mom and an admirable woman. I hope you can resolve this issue so your kids can be happy. Remind them of love and the proper way to treat others. My 16-year-old got mad at me last night for talking about his father. I was trying to tell him how he acts is not normal. My fear is he will turn into a man who mentally abuses his wife and kids because he thinks that's what a man does. I also worry they will take it personally, think something is wrong with them. I covered for him when they were little, sugar coated everything, but now we need to talk about it, face reality and learn from it. Maybe you can empower your son by letting him know if his dad says something that makes him uncomfortable it's OK to tell him so (we all know the pain of feeling powerless) and tell him his dad will still love him and want to see him, just sometimes even grown ups can be upset and when we are we say things that might be hurtful without meaning to. And tell your ex you assured your kids it's OK for them to do so and that he won't stop loving them, it's just a way of making him aware. Good luck.

I tired to talk to him about this issue before, his comment. "Our son is hurting because YOU destroyed our family" He wants no fault in the break up, he blames me for leaving him, he has tried to tell my kids that I was having an affair, I would love to know when I had the time, i was home with the kids 24/7. HA! If they only knew. He told them that I was being selfish and wanted to be single. I guess it makes him feel better to turn the tables. If I tell him anything he takes it as me telling him he is a bad father, I think he is but thats beside the point.
With the emailing, I don't want to give him my email address. He had proven to OVER use it. My email is the only ex free part of my life, I would love to keep it that way.
He has no intention of helping me right now. I was hoping that being with this gf was going to ease his guilt/pain ( and I say that with a biter taste in my mouth) But if anything it has made it worse. At least the first gf wanted to try to be friends, like that would have ever happened but okay she gave it a shot. SHe made my kids a part of their world. This gf ( OW from the first, second oh and third affair) is a B*TCH!! Never did like her, lol, could be that she was sleeping with my husband at the time I met her.
So this leaves the letter as my only other option..just don't want it to bit me in the ass. Not talking to him already landed me in contempt of court ( oh yeas I was the one punished for his moving with out telling me) and a lawyer fee that is a deep ache in my account

Can you create a new email account just for this purpose? I have my work email, my regular email that I've had for years and years and gets filled with catalogs, and a new one that is only for close friends because this one is simple and not inundated with junk! Just trying to think of a way you can be in contact with him without it being too much of an annoyance. Plus if it's an account basically for him, you can be sure to send him the info he needs and check incoming emails as infrequently as you like! Wow, his gf tried to be friends with you? Is she a complete idiot? Anyone who would have an affair with a married man is clearly lacking in intelligence (as is he) but to actually think for a second you could be friends? I think I would have to laugh at that, how ridiculous! And he had affairs and so you leave and he says you broke up the marriage?? Kind of sounds like mine, he goes to bars all the time and ignores us and because I am not willing to tolerate it, somehow I am the one breaking up the family. Yeah, uh, OK, I guess in the crazy world inside his head that makes logical sense, but in the real world with real people, mmm, maybe not. Sigh, just thank God you have a brain. I have been going through a really rough period dealing with this, but honestly, posting here and reading the stories of others, I am starting to feel better. They are the crazy ones. We are the caring ones. Keep caring keep loving keep going keep living. We love our kids so much and would give our lives for them without a moments hesitation but you know what? They will become legal adults and when they do we will be completely free from these stupid men and their idiotic lives. We can love our adult children and live the lives we crave. All in good time...

I think you said where you are in PA and it's a bit far from where I am in PA but I feel we can relate. Let me know if you want to be in contact. I'll put up my email for you if you are willing. If not, no worries, I understand!!

Oh sure I will never turn down the chance to chat and get to know people...dispite my b*tchy attitude towards my ex I am quite friendly
And as you know by now I am very open and will to talk about just about anything...or nothing, whatever the time calls for.

Great! I love your attitude no worries there! I have restored my old address: strongspirit101@aol.com please email to this. (I cancelled it before because spam was being sent from my account as if I sent it and I am nervous this will happen again, but here it is) I look forward to hearing from you!

you will be hearing from me

Hey ladies,

I have filtered my incoming emails from my ex to a seperate folder, so I gat to choose if I want to look or not. I told him once I filtered them staright into the trash folder (i was kidding but it got him going, lols).

Lisa, I think your letter is fine, open and honest, Id go with it. Then at least you have tried.

Let us know how it is received.

Most times they are much like bricks, but you never know!

thanks Abbey. I contacted my lawyer and she said to play the pass the note game since she knows how he reacts. Sad even a complete stranger knows he is a child. We've ( my lawyer and I ) have been down this road with him too many times to trust that he will act like an adult.

Lisa, if it were me & it's not, I am not dealing with a situation like this, no kids with the ex!, I think if you could minimize the emotion from your end, even though it's REAL & for GOOD REASON & obviously the ex is NOT WORKING WITH YOU & making you all's life hell... BUT, if you could keep it as just facts. Say in writing, sent in letter form, in fact if it were me, I think I would sign, have it typed, have it dated, then send it certified mail/ to where you make sure he recieves it, have it where he has to sign/ so tht way he thinks that this is some legal process, you are, "keeping records," of this contact with him, as the child's father, for LEGAL REASONS. I think this would shake him a bit more. Just ask what you want from him, as to communication in regards to child/ connections with the school, etc. If you have it in documentation sort of form he may think you are using this to put in your legal files.
If the guy is a jerk, he likely will just think, oh my ex wife the NAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG like they do you know........... LOL but ya wanna scare the dude ...
let him think it's legal paperwork/ make it look official. keep as much possible distance from him/ keep your emotions to bare minimum. Just ask what you want of him, period. not stating what bothers you etc.. make him think you have gone to legal status, keeping documents, & DO.. date all communication/ do so without being emotional but just facts & dates & keep copies......
:)
let em think you are an official ******
then go have a beer (one of course not 5 :)
lol I can't imagine having kids with someone irresponsible. You have to deal with them official like/ cause human warmth is probably not as much of an option/ not with ANY regularity!!!
I will pray/ golly gee it's not easy for me to not say what I think.. but I know these types, ya have to keep it facts or they flip it on us in an instant.
TAKE CARE!!!

It's so hard to take the emotion out of anything that has to do with my children. They are why I breathe, they are why I smile and they are why I cry. How can I not be emotional? I do understand what you are saying, though. When we do have phone contact, which is very little, I record them. I keep all emotion out..seriously I sound like a heartless b*tch. I guess when there is no emotion thats all that is left. He has no emotions. The way he is treating all of us, me and my kids shows that.
I did talk to my attorney today and she is going to read my letter and make sure it is okay before she sends it out as certified mail, to his attorney. We are trying to go about this as legal as possible. If you would see the ocean of paper work I have because of him you would die. I could wallpaper the White House. I have at least 6 letters sent to him by my attorney about his constant talking about me in front of the kids. I document everything I do with my attorney. Lol when i call I give my name and the AKA "the pain in the ass" She just laughs. Letter after letter all documented by the courts and he still doesn't follow orders. UGH I guess I was hoping a little emotion and a little humanity would work this time...but alas you are most likely right, he will take it the wrong way...Oh and I will check out that site asap, thank you

Lisa, hugs..
I guess I didn't read/ see where you were sending to attorney to proof. good for you!
OH MY GOSH gal, I hear you.. me too / I think it is so normal what you are feeling/ but was thinking of on his end.. how he probably twists it to you being emotional (which IS normal).
I don't have children with ex so cannot directly relate to what you are going through. I did see how the ex was with his ex before me & their kids.
I know a lot of the immature men relate to their children as a friend/ meaning confide in them & put on them what they should not instead of dealing with them as to them being the focus. They don't get that part. Ex would come back strongly into his kids life when he needed them then back way off when he didn't.
many games. It's what they do..
I bet you are frustrated & beyond belief.
Take care!

You have no idea how frustrated I am...heck I don't even know how to put it into words. I thought that by leaving him I was free for his heartless betrayal. Free of his crap, his using and his childishness. Boy was I wrong!!!! There isn't a day goes by I do not think about how this is effecting my kids. My son is starting the " I hate living here" " You don't love me" I wish I was dead, then you would see" attitude. Over the silliest things. I have set rules for my house. Have had them in place since birth. No yelling or hitting, no sass mouthing, no food or drink after 7pm, you make the mess you clean it, no TV on while in bed...these are rules i have had in place since my son was old enough to understand what I was saying. well now if my son doesn't get his own way one of those phases come flying out of his mouth. I had to laugh tonight, in a dry kind of way, my son had his weekly call to his Dad ( my youngest refuses to talk) we were all laughing having a good time and then suddenly after the call my son starts to be super ugly towards me, his brother, the dog and cat (really?! lol) Yelling at me, as if that was going to fly, HA. I demand respect from my kids, if for no other reason but I am their Mother. I send him to his room and he is crying like a baby. Kicking the floor hitting the wall....I just don't know what to do anymore and his Dad is not helping me at all...UGH there are days I want to pack them up and drive them to my ex's house and say "Take them, you want them take them." I bet he packs them back up and drops them off at my house in less than a month..last time he took them he had them for 11 days and called me to come get them, it was to much for him. Why is he fighting me so hard? I'm telling you if I don't go into remission with my Crohn's I will be amazed. My stress level is at danger levels right now.

Lisa,

I've had a lot of outbursts from my 11 year old son as well. He has been seeing a counselor and is diagnosed with depression/anxiety. He was having trouble before my stbx left, and that sent him right over the edge. It takes about a week and a half after a weekend visit to get him somewhat "normal" again-just in time for another weekend visit. IT SUCKS!

I have issues with my 16-year-old son crying (literally). He is fine, then if I need the computer...yikes. All of a sudden I am punishing him because of his dad (??? I NEED the computer for work, he is playing games on it!) He oversleeps 3 days in a row (I am pretty lenient, let him stay up as late as he wants AS LONG as he gets up for school) so then I say off to bed at 9pm and again, I am mad at his dad and taking it out on him (???) It makes me feel he will be like his dad, not being accountable for his own actions. I tell him point blank the reason why he can't use computer/has to go to bed, but I will NOT justify myself over and over to my child! As you say, we lay down the rules, they follow. I do not have crazy, unreasonable rules. They are for THEIR sakes. My daughter is good, she does not like me to be upset, she is a good girl. I don't like her to be upset either, we work together. She is wise beyond her years, she's my little sweetie. I feel bad she has to hear all of this crap. But he's a teenager and they act like this but that doesn't make it OK or acceptable. Sometimes...and yes, I post this under the protection of anonymity...I want my stbx to leave and take my son with him. Just me and my daughter? Heaven. Don't get me wrong, I love my son to death, I think he is amazing and I want only the best for him, but sometimes I think you want no rules? You want to do what you want when you want? Go ahead. Go live with your dad. Let your grades fall. No one will make your school lunch. No one will make your dinner (no one will be home, maybe he can eat pizza every night). No one will get you to your activities. No one will make sure you get on the bus. No one will care. No one will listen when you talk. No one will look at the projects you are proud of. No one will guide you. You think that's better? Enjoy. Yeah, I'll be bald soon from pulling my hair out! He's been getting better but taken a downturn again. Sigh. I guess the reality of the divorce is hitting home. I know it's hard. But there's only so much we can do as parents. We can't hold a marriage together alone, so when it falls we all fall, but when it comes down to it, we'll be there to pick each other up. That's what love is.

Lisa, have you seen this page on this website?
I googled to see if there is any way to keep records of this sort of thing. This is an interesting webpage!

http://www.womansdivorce.com/parenting-custody-calendar.html

Lisa,

breathe. We know why it happens, we know when it may happen and we think of every thing to try and avoid it happening. Sounds like your boy is venting and who else can they vent with than the parent they KNOW they can rely on and be forgiven. The parent they know isnt going anywhere. Children take it out safely, on those they know can take what they dish. It doesnt help Lisa but he can take his frustration out with you because he is safe in the knowledge that your love is unconditional, you are his emotional safety net. Just keep those boundaries in place, you know how you parent is right, you are in charge, you know whats best. They know that too. Which is why 'dad' doesnt get the deal you do. As frustrating as it is for you it is aknowledgement that you are trusted by your children, their rock and their constant.
Might not help you feel better but its my two pennies worth.
Like us, we only vent where we feel safe to do so knowing we will be loved when the vent is over.

Kids, you gotta love em!!

Your two cents is always welcome Abbey. I just get to the end of my rope and end up crying myself to sleep sometimes. I love my children more than life its self. It's hard being a parent, let alone a parent that is going through divorce...My heart aches for my boys, I feel like I have turn their lives upside down..but we will make it through, we have to...

Lisa, I look at my own boy and feel the weight of my decisions bearing down. I know exactly what you mean. It IS hard, often harder for us because our children are our all.

They are powerless in the decisions of the adults around them. Thats why we grieve for their loss, their pain and their lack of control in their own lives as well as our own. Our burden will always be tenfold. But that is why we are stronger for them, that is why WE dust ourselves off and begin a new day. They are our reason for trying to calm the storm. Our love for them helps us to cope with their off the wall behaviour when they are struggling.

Girl, there are times when we think we cant take anymore but you know what, we get up again and take the next knock...for them. For them we are unable to give up.
And its never one sided, we do this for them because they give is something worth more, they give us the reason to live, to fight, to stand again.
Just like we have a bad day, they can be forgiven for theirs. As we love them more than life, who truly truly loves us unconditionally? Our kids do!
Ive behaved badly at times, my son behaves badly at times, we forgive each other. I forgive myself for wanting to strangle him at times LOLS. We are all human.
Be kind to yourself. You are human too.

That is so hard to do Abbey. I sometimes feel like there is no room for mistake. I have had my share of "bad mommy" days..yelling at them for no reason, sending them to their room because they know what buttons to push to tick me off....they don't last long. I get mad and then I tell them I'm sorry. I asked my son one day if I was an angry mom..he told me "no Mommy sometimes you yell but usually you do because me and ____are acting up" He is my honest one. He is not afraid to tell me if I am being unfair, even if it is only because he is not getting what he wants...I understand my boy, he is angry confused and hurt by all of this. Yet he loves me. When he smiles and his beautiful blue eyes sparkle with love it melts my heart. My baby well he is just a bullheaded little cuss. His beautiful hazel eyes get HUGE and sparkle when he is being his little "Dr. Evil" self. I LOVE it. Yes I do the whole Mini-me act with him. we are always taking over the world...lol. I do love my little men, they crack me up. Sometimes they crack my nerves but at the end of the day, even the ones I wished I would have slept through, I know that I will find the strength to do it all over again. For no other reason but I love them. I just want to be perfect for them, but even perfect has cracks