Hi

I have been married for 25 years. We have three boys. The oldest was from a previous marriage and the last two in this marriage. The two boys at home are 23 and 21. I have told my husband for at least 20 years that he had better change or I would divorce him when the kids were older. I recently filed for divorce. The problem was never other women, drinking or abuse it has always been financial.

I have always felt he could have earned more and had the education to do so. However he chose to do what he liked at a small pay and no benefits and I then became the larger income and medical insurance provider for the family. Not to say that he never carried the insurance or made a decent pay ---he just did not for the majority of the time. Anyway his parents were also the cause of many arguments. Mostly due to my feeling that they treated my son differently. I believe I have been a great daughter in law. When I had my first child with their son his mother said we completed her life.
They visited 5 out of 7 nights a week for years. Sundays we went to her home for dinner or years and the visit although 5 minutes away was always and all day affair. I am not saying I did not enjoy their company but I don't think there are many other women who would have put up with it.

I am now 54, have fibromyalgia due to stress and am tired of working like a dog. I would like to let him carry the ball now. However, he has had 4 heart attacks over the years due to blockages and now has 4 stents. The doctors however do not think he is a candidate for disability. They tell me that he has been fixed and is now as good as new.

The problem is this........in regard to my having been the bread winner my husband remarks "who asked you"? I guess he does not see that I had no choice.

His family who through the years told me they sympathized with my financial difficulties and did not understand where he (my husband) came from as he was not like the other successful people in his family. Suddenly now because of his heart attacks he apparently never did any wrong and they all "hope he finds the happiness he deserves"! My two boys who I thought I was protecting by staying in the marriage as long as I have also support their father because he is sick. Of course they are not so worried that they do the lawn or put out the trash but apparently feel that I should just stop this. In fact my 23 year old who pays no board and does absolutely "nothing" around the house told me and I quote, "well mom I already know how you feel but I like being in my house so I am going to take the selfish route and side with my father!"

The relationship broke down a few years ago with his mother and since then things have not been good. I do not stop him or the kids from going there I just don't want to be included and I no long entertain them at my home either. Suddenly I realized how differntly my husband and I perceived the past. How could we both live the same past an yet have two totally differnet views of what has happened? I am telling you this has BLOWN MY MIND! And what about the family who sympathized with me....they now wish he does what it takes to be happy. I had at one point moved out of the house and was still paying bills. I found a letter from my husband brother in which he said that he believed that I had abandoned my husband and that he (my husband) should take me to court for everthing he could get!!!!! I guess they forgot who freaking supported their brother to begin with. I don't know.......can anyone help? I feel so isolated and alone. I feel that I am the greedy ***** who doesn't care about this poor sick guy!

Well, Josie, I'm sure others will jump on with more thoughts. What caught my attention was your part about the differences in perceptions. Boy, can I relate! My stbx and I lived in two different worlds, or so it seems if you were to listen to our stories. I have tried to see it from his point of view but I am unable to. There are a few examples where I think "Well, maybe." But mostly I keep thinking "How much did you drink to screw up your brain that much?" SIGH!

Josie, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. My STBX spent at least 28 of the 32 years of our marriage doing what made him happy while I was the main bread winner. I went to work sicker than heck to keep things going and get the bills paid.

I have a bad rheumatoid flare going right now because of the stress. He now has diabetes. I resent the thought of having to support him any longer due to his illness. His illness is due in large part that he just didn't take care of himself.

First and foremost, I want to praise you for your devotion to the family....I too am a family woman who gave up her reign to "comfort" HIS family, at the cost of my own....OUCH!
It is amazing how two people can live the same life together and get two completely different experiences from it...I don't know if you have siblings, but if you do you may recall that you lived the same life, in the same home, in the same dynamic but came out of it with different blessings and unmet needs....marriage is like that too.
You are at a junction in your life where you CAN choose to let go...Your children are not children and you do not HAVE to sit back and watch him destroy himself...Nor do you have indulge in his family dynamic...that's their dysfunction...let them have it!
You have your own source of income...now release your burdens! Be free! If the worst of it is that you let the house go....well things could be MUCH worse...

I really can't relate to your situation, The flea(EX) was and still is the provider for my home. I was and still am a stay at home mom. He still pays my bills even though we are divorced. I did do the parent thing all by myself, I would take the kids over to his parent and entertain his parents, while he entertain himself with other women.

The thing about the kids, they will side with him because he is sick and you know it. Sooner or later they will see it is not exactly what they wanted. Don't stop giving your ex financial support but make sure you have proof, you have been helping him.

If there is something I have learned from all this is to stop caring what other think of me. Those thoughts only make you sick and make you second guess yourself. If you want out, just get out. Don't let anything tell you different. Take care and keep us posted.