When I go sleep at night I have these dreams that I can't get rid of. It is him and her together in the kitchen that I helped build once a long time ago. It was the place that I once had some good memories once. The place where I once envisioned that I would start a family in not get divorce papers. I knew we had problems previously, but I absolutely refused to acknowledge those red flags that say look, LOOK! Proceed with caution!! This person is bad! I never realized how love was so blind. I got taken advantage of financially, mentally, and physically by this person. I bent over and beyond for this person of whom thinking of his name makes me cringe and how he lied, cheated, on me and on top of that gave me a **** bacterial infection from this home wrecker. We weren't even married for a full year before he threw his marriage out the window to be with some 19 year old home wrecker.How do you do that to some one you claim to love and be in a relationship with for 8 years? I understand about being unhappy and wanting out but why rip someone's heart out and crash their world to be selfish? The sick thing is his parents knew, enabled him, and let this behavior be acceptable. They claim to be upstanding Christians but if I do recall adultery is one of the ten commandments is it not? This has nothing to do with religion though. He moved this girl into our home before I even got a chance to move out completely. Our divorce wasn't even final. He betrayed and stole from me. All she had to do is lay on her back and get a house she did not work for and the dog I raised. Still to this day he blames me for everything and lies to this girl and makes me out to be this horrible person that isn't even true to sleep at night. I had no choice but to cut ties and communication and move out of state. I met a wonderful guy of whom treats me like a queen and I am happy and in love with, but I can't get my past out of my head. I can't get that horrific memory in a box and lock it up, and keep it there to move on. I still am so angry,resentful of that situation, and disdain both of them. All I want to do is know that they are suffering on some level. How do you let this anger go? I would love some feedback.

You have to let it go because you will come to a point where you will realize that hanging onto it will only destroy your own happiness. You deserve better and deep down you know your anger serves no meaning to them at all. They couldn't care less and by thinking about them you are only emotionally and probably physically hurting yourself with all the stress and anxiety.

I was betrayed like you and wondered how, after 20 years, someone I loved with all my heart and soul could not only do what he did, but how could he think so little of it...I had to realize that he wasn't me. In marriage we are to become one in raising a family and bonding our lives together, but I now realize God does not want us to lose ourselves by only becoming what the other person wants us to become. He does not want us to only give and give without getting anything in return. He wants us to share our lives...not give it away.

I thought my husband loved and respected me as much as I loved him because I was looking at love through my own eyes. I now realize my ex is not me...he has no compassion, he has no respect, he is selfish and needy and lives for what he wants and wants everyone else's life to revolve around his own needs. I was blinded by love as they say and I always though my ex thought as I did...now I see why he did what he did. He wasn't me and I couldn't understand this at first because I couldn't comprehend myself ever doing all the awful things he did to me.

You have to let go and know that you never will fully understand why he did what he did...because you are not as selfish and uncaring as what he turned out to be...so let go of holding on to all that anger and pain, free your hands to grab on to your new life and get what you really deserve. Let go of the anger caused by your ex so you can feel the true love of someone who will share your life and appreciate you for who you really are. It can be done. I had to let go as well...it takes time but you deserve it.

Susan

I just wish this process would fix it self over night but only in a perfect world that would happen. Thank you so much for reminding me of this. I do have a wonderful support network from my family, friends, and significant other that have helped me through this. I just let that negative seed slip into my brain and the flood of emotions takes over. I am really glad to know that I am not alone. I always have to set positive reminders in my brain of exactly what you said about I deserve better and I am not in that position. Thank God. I thank God every day for giving myself the strength to get out of that position to be a better position. How did you get through it?

Susan,
You seem to have such a wonderful grasp on this. How long did this forgiveness and letting go take? I feel like it is taking forever even with help from friends and prayers. I so want this anger to leave me.

WOW I wish I was where you seem to be. I have no patience and just want the paid and sadness to leave NOW! I really liked your point about how God wants us to share our lives and not give it away. I feel like that's what I did. I lost myself in him and revolved my life around him and his happiness.

I know time will heal my pain. I just wish there was a time frame like months or years. Then I could say OK it will all be better on this date.

Your post was very helpful! Thank you!!!

I got through it one minute at a time which became one day at a time which became one week at a time until time and learning to set those thoughts aside allowed me to heal and move on to doing it without thought...there will come a day when you will say...Wow, I did not think about him today and then in time you will say, I don't feel angry or hollow this week and then you will look back and say...It doesn't hurt so much anymore. It takes time and know that thoughts of them may pop in your head from time to time, but what you choose to do with those thoughts is up to you...you can dwell on them or find other things to occupy your thoughts and life. In time you will realize that it just comes natural not to think about him or her anymore. It is like placing a new habit into your life. You learn to redirect your thoughts to the future rather than dwelling on what they did and then eventually it becomes a subconscious habit that you don't even realize you are doing.

Susan

I think forgiveness and letting go happens for people at different times. There are so many factors that affect a persons life and each life and marriage is different. I think some of these factors are things like:

How much you loved your ex

How long did you know your ex

How much did you give to your marriage

To what extreme did your ex hurt or betray you

What morals and values do you depend on

How much did you trust your ex
etc....

I was married for 20 years and loved my ex deeply. I have been divorced for about 5 years now and I have been feeling pretty happy again for the past year or so. It took about a year to really get over the shock of it all. After this I slowly began to feel alive again. I began to enjoy a sunset, see colors bright and alive again, feel the breeze of the wind on my face. Before this I was numb to the world with the pain and anger of it all. By about my third year of divorce I began to feel joy in everyday and started to see the blessing in all the pain...by the forth year I was starting to let go and move on. I still get a thought or a memory that brings up a sadness now and then, but I know how to release it now because the pain is gone or should I say just about gone. Some scars take time to heal and some still give a twinge of pain now and then. But for me, I am so much farther than I though I ever would be. I really thought this divorce would kill me, but it didn't God used it to make me stronger, happier, wiser, kinder, grateful, appreciative, etc...We can let something destroy us or we can choose to allow it to form us into something better after breaking us down. If I can make it through I know for sure that you all can.

Susan

Yes Susan, your post does help. Thank you for sharing.

My Momma tells me "only in a perfect world would there be no hurt. No pain. No cheating. No lying and no divorce."
I manage my anger by realizing that he ( my ex) can only hurt me now if I let him. I to am in a relationship now. He treats me like I have never been treated before. Like I am worth loving. I have to let go of what my ex did to me in order to move forward. Who wants to live painful moments in rewind? I do not that is for sure. I still have flash backs of what my ex did to me. I will NEVER forget the night he came home and woke me up to tell me that he had had an affair. Only difference now is I don't allow the pain to overwhelm me. It didn't happen over night. It took me years to burry the hurt, lock it in a box, as you said. That was hard and painful, but unlocking the pain is easier than hiding it away in a box. We have to live through pain, it is a process that allows us to grow. If life had no pain, no heartache then we would all be weak. It's going through the hard time that God shows us who we really are.
My Momma reassures me by this little saying ( it may not help you but it has brought me through so much) "God only gives us what he thinks we can handle. If he didn't think we could survive then he wouldn't allow it to happen. Put your trust in him and he will guide you through the rough patches in life"

My situation is different from yours, haven't been cheated on after thinking things were fine, but have been trapped with an addict for 20 years. So my suggestions are more general and are what I do. I still have lots of anger issues but he refuses to leave my house so I have the daily reminder of him and his stuff. Anyway, here are things I do.

- When thoughts of wrongs he has done me come into my head, I ask my "inner self" why I am bringing this up. Why am I going over and over things in my head that will only hurt me? Doing this gives power to the memory. The more we go over something, the deeper it is etched in our brain, making it harder to let go. I consciously FORCE the thought out and replace it with another.

- I tell myself all he ever wanted was to hurt me. He doesn't have to hurt me anymore because I do it to myself now by reliving the pain.

- I have secrets. My life might be taking a sudden change (if I do well), he doesn't know (if he did, he'd try to sabotage me). When his actions bring me down, I lift myself up knowing I am taking control of my life and working towards having a better one.

- This one's a bit immature... but when he is out getting drunk/high, I get angry because I imagine him living it up and having a great time while I am stuck home working on house and taking care of kids. I change my perception. Truth is I am a home body and prefer to be home anyway. I love my kids and taking care of them is not a chore, it's a privilege. I imagine him, all smelly and out of it slumped over at some gross bar, maybe I'll throw in his peeing on himself or something gross! Then I feel, ha, he gets what he deserves! I think it's so great you moved state and found someone new, that's what I want to do to. But unfortunately your memories have followed you. If you imagine them together, imagine them MISERABLE. Imagine her screaming at him and bossing him around all the time, imagine her cheating on him, whatever you want! You don't know what is going on, so anything you imagine may very well be true. One of my favorite quotes, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change".

- Last, remember they will have a higher power to answer to one day! My "ah ha" moment happened one day when my kids were fighting. My son was yelling at me "why don't you punish her? Why don't you take the TV away and send her to her room?" I was getting mad and yelled back at him "I am her parent not you! I decide whether to and how to punish her, not you! I got it, thank you very much! Why don't you worry about YOUR behavior instead of HERS?" And after those words came out of my mouth, I wondered if God was yelling the same thing to me about my husband. Mine drinks/drugs, and does not get in accidents, does not get caught by cops, does not lose work (he's self employed, he can just say he had an emergency). So I would yell at God, why do you let him get away with this? Why don't you punish him? So when this happened , I thought, hmmm, yes, God probably thinks the same about stbx. He is His child, He knows what he is doing and will choose the punishment, not me. I need to focus my energies on my actions, not blasting his. Reminding myself that there will be some divine justice makes me feel better, and knowing when or how that happens is not my business helps me to let go.

One other thing, you mentioned how his parents knew and enabled him. It reminded me of the poem "Blue Blanket" by Andrea Gibson. In the poem she talks about rape, and in it she says what will you tell your daughter, but at the end she says it's not what you will tell your daughter, it's what you will teach your son. This is so true. It's not only our responsibility to teach our daughters about how they should be treated by men, but also to make sure our sons know how to treat women. I try to do this, my hope is that on my son's wedding day, my daughter-in-law will hug me and say "thank you for raising such a good man"! Shame on him and the girl for what they did, and shame on his parents for helping it happen.

Sorry, getting a bit "post happy" here! Try this website, someone on this site suggested it a while ago and I think it's a very helpful one.

http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/

StrongSpirit,

You really hit home with the part about your children fighting and you realizing that you are in charge and you decide the consequences of their actions and not them. My boys are the same way....always saying one is getting more punishment than the other. I used to wonder why it seemed to me my ex was getting way more out of this divorce than I ever did and he was the one who brought it upon us all. I look at your words and it brings back memories of how I felt back then and next time my boys bring up these issues it will remind me that God is in charge... I love this song called "God is in Control" I am not sure who wrote it but it just puts me at peace when things seem to spin out of place in life. I found a copy of the song on You Tube and I downloaded it to my desktop so that when I am feeling a little lost or overwhelmed at times I sit down and listen to it. Thank you for the analogy of the parent and the child.

Susan

Lisa, tell your Mom thanks. Since mine's not here maybe I can borrow yours?

I personally think(or try to believe) that although the men in our lives are w/others & seemingly happy, they blame others & lack accountability as a form of denial that will come back to them in some capacity.
I am not blameless regarding my contribution to the stress in my marriage. I know I did everything in my power to acknowledge my weaknesses & reconnect with my husband emotionally. I literally had no idea that my husband had thoughts of leaving me & would have never expected him to be unfaithful. I do think many men have a difficult time expressing their emotions & with confrontation so avoid it by engaging in "the whole grass is greener approach."Once emotions get involved, they realize the grass isn't greener!Unless one is willing to work on his/her contribution & communicate in a commited respectful manner, the behavior will continue in every relationship. When the ex's/stbx's jump from lawn to lawn to lawn they will one day realize when they are eventually alone what the common denominator is! I know I intend on working on my issues so that I am a healthier person & partner in the future. I also have some semblance of integrity knowing that I didn't lie, cheat, & take advantage of another person's emotions. I don't have that emotional burden when I sleep at night. I cannot imagine that my husband in the depth of his being doesn't know that what he did was quite frankly sleazy & immoral. Either way, I don't want a man that would do this. It is not OK!!!! I feel miffed & stunned also knowing that not only as a wife but out of just basic respect for another human being that my husband was willing to put me at risk. I became fearful in my own home that perhaps some of these women were in my bed & I was their competitor ie. (fatal attraction-you just never know!). My husband used me & my vulnerability in a very manipulative opportunistic manner. While I was at work at night caring for people & making extra money here & there to pay off our mortgage, he was cheating on me.
~As for the head/heart issue comment posted earlier, I have truly been emotionally struggling but I force myself to let my head dictate my decisions. I deserve better then that. ~xoxoxox~Ladies

I agree with this...most definitely!