I would suggest getting into therapy....reading and talking to others (such as on this site).

I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse. The book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Kind Regards, Allison

For myself I have starting seeing a therapist. I also have starting taking yoga classes a few nights a week. But, this website has been a tremendous help for me whether I post or just read other postings. I hope this helps somewhat.

Just hang in there! It will take time to heal your pain.

Everyone is right, you have to allow your self time to get through the pain. I know it feels unbearable at times, it's been 5 months for me since my husband told me he loved another woman and wanted a divorce, but it stlll hurts a lot. Expect to have better days and worse ones. For me it's been a roller coaster since the shock wore off. It seems I have a good day, where I feel strong and capable of surviving this but then that next day it's as if I used all my strength up and it takes a down day to recover. I do find that exercise helps me a lot if only because it tires me out. I have also been journaling, pouring my heart out on paper, getting the words just right helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings. I always feel better after writing. I've only been on this site a few days but the ladies here have already been tremendously helpful. You are not alone in this, hang in there.

My suggestion to you is to do anything & everything that makes you feel good & avoid anything that makes you feel bad. Surround yourself with good, positive & nurturing people. I try to adhere to this yet regress some days but that is ok too. Pray, have faith & keep telling yourself that you will get through this. I had an emotional meltdown the other day & almost contacted my husband after a year of no contact. I talked myself out of it, thank GOD! The next day I was horrified that I even had considered this. It takes time. You will get through this & come out of it a stronger, happier, independent woman. I know it is absolutely brutal but I have to believe this b/c it keeps me moving forward most days.

therapy, walking. Lots and lots of walking helped me- and I lost weight from it, too. Still in therapy. Not walking in winter, much though. Also: I discovered that sometimes I have to get throguh the day minute by minute, hour by hour. It helps to not try to think too far ahead OR behind. Whenever I get caught up thinking about his affair and the endless lies it is like drowning. When I start thinking of things that are improving about my life, I feel like I will someday be ok. Just don't expect to feel better all of a sudden, either. It is like a roller coaster. Some days ok, some awful, some great. Minute by minute, hour by hour...

Julie,
Everything others posted is good advice. A great therapist helped me to get through the worst of it. I also had to go on anti-depressants (I really didn't what to but could not after 3 months feel like I could put my loved ones through watching me cry at the drop of a hat. Never knew when it was going to hit and there was no way to stop it). I was reassured by my therapist and health care provider that there was no shame in having to take them. Didn't stop the tears 100% or make the pain go completely away, just made it easier to get through.

In the process of surviving my 2nd divorce. (First after 3 yrs, second after 19).My head KNEW that eventually the pain will go away but my heart was still hurting. It's been almost a year since he moved out, 5 months since the divorce was final, still think about him everyday although more with hatred now then sadness (and it makes me sad that it has come to this). Finally quit crying as often but bald myself to sleep 2 nights ago because once again he is thinking the worst of me. He believes I did something I didn't (not sure WHY I care).

You didn't say if you have kids. Easier if you don't, means you don't have to continue to deal with him after the divorce. I didn't the 1st time, do this time.

Here's what advice I have for whatever you want to take from it.

DO's:
Accept whatever help your offered. An ear, someone to be with you on the really hard days (holidays, anniversary, birthday, day of divorce, ect.)

Take good care of yourself. Take your vitamins, eat. You'll feel stronger and more able to deal with the pain.

Do things for YOURSELF that you haven't been able to. (I now have house cats who make me LAUGH). I went out and bought a new (2nd hand) bed frame and rearranged my bedroom. Ex didn't want cats in the house and I was constantly blamed that there was no money while rarely spending any on myself.

Try to keep yourself BUSY.

Don't:
Jump into a new relationship. You need time to heal. Everything I read says rebound relationships rarely work long term. We tend to be attracted to the same type of person we just lost.

Let yourself use alcohol as an escape. I did this time and am now fighting to break that crutch.

Let him make all the decisions. It is no longer about trying to make him happy but doing what is best for YOU. It is hard for us to do this after years of conditioning but important for our well-being.

Hang in there and know we are here for you.

Ah, you hit a chord with me.

Don't: 'Let him make all the decisions. It is no longer about trying to make him happy but doing what is best for YOU. It is hard for us to do this after years of conditioning but important for our well-being.'

Yep, I have been conditioned to keep the boat from rocking, and even though I do stand up for myself, I always cringe and wonder what the fall-out will be.

I still cringe also but try not to let it stop me. Praying someday that part goes away.

It stinks and it's a roller coaster ride, but that is normal. I went straight to the church, prayed with my pastor and left with the name of a faith based counselor. I sent out an e-mail and told my friends, briefly, what happened and asked them to pray for me. Perhaps that sounds a little vain, but I couldn't yet talk about it that easy and I wanted these people to know what I was going through. They can't help you if they don't know. I reached out and people surrounded me with love, understanding and kindness. Talking about it helps me. I try not to be overbearing to my friends, so I vent on this site. Hugs and prayers.

Pain for me is just but a state of mind. What I mean is, you should get yourself busy. Be brave and try to get familiarized with the basic laws on divorce.