Take care JLVR. No one here is judging you or your family. We know what it is like when our ex's lie about us. My ex really put down my family at the end and all they ever did was care for him. Now they are just hurt to see all that he has said and done to me and the boys. They trusted my life to him when we married 20 years ago and now he has lost that trust. There is only one true judge who knows our hearts and that is God...so don't let it bother you if your ex puts you and your family down. You know the truth so hold to that and let God deal with him. Don't let your divorce overwhelm you. Do what you can and put the rest in God's hands...You can make it through this. Just remember... this forum is always here if you need it. I have met so many wonderful women here over the years and it was nice knowing someone was only a keyboard away when I needed to talk about something. Hang in there and find your inner strength.

Susan

Susan, thank you. Me too, it is helpful to find others to share with..& this forum has been helpful/connection.

Where I find myself so blown away is that ex said I was other half, that we were supposed to be together & had mission from God.. & I am very religous so I bought into it, believed then followed...
what confounds me? is not, I think, how could he have done that me, & I am disabled & leave me in debt, divorce me.. & knowing FULLY WELL he is sleeping with other women, probably saying the same to them.. of God, mission, etc..
it just blows my mind.
All I do know is that I will live by the truth that I feel is God's Truth & the bible.
As you say this is about our healing now.
I also believe in Judgement Day..
You are right.. I hear what you are saying & I agree with you.. it's about the big picture. It's about the big picture, loving, healing, here & now.
I think ex knows fully well right from wrong & what is true & not true? but I believe he has not yet in this lifetime decided to walk in it.. I can only worry about me now.
yep, it's about our healing etc..
I do find myself needing to be careful on these forums because I hold back a lot, which isn't particularly healthy & then too at times I think he probably reads/posts places I might track.
dunno but suspect... not like i am being puffed up? but how could someone say to me all he said & for the length of time he did & then dump me in trash & wipe my name off chalkboard.. go figure.
I know we are dealing with similar things/ just difference details. HUGS & THANK YOU SO MUCH!
God Bless!!!!!!!!

Yes, I know how you feel when you ask: How could he be so loving and caring and then just throw you away? My ex did the same thing. We dated for two years and saw each other everyday of those two years and then for the first 10 years he did treat me special and care about what I thought at times....as I look back now he was always a little egotistic and selfish, but he included me in his life... he shared his life with me he just didn't let me share my life with him...it was always what he wanted to do and even if he asked me what I wanted to do for the day we always ended up doing what he wanted anyways...I did not mind because I loved him and he did like a lot of the same things I did, but then the kids came along after 10 years and I think he felt I was not giving him his one on one attention that he wanted. I know he felt this way then as time went on he grew distant and found this young married girl. I can't say for sure, but my gut tells me he cheated on me before this, but that they were probably one night stands. Anyways, once this married girl and I mean girl(15 years younger than he or I)came into the picture he dropped me like I was a hot poker in his hand. He threw me to the side to get what he wanted as he always does...takes what he wants. I thought the same thing as you...How could he throw 20 years down the drain? How could he love me so much at the start yet when he was ready to leave me how could he be so cruel and cold? I figured it out. People like him do not really know what love is...his kind of love is emotional and needy. True love is more giving and committed...2 things he never really knew about. He was committed, but only when he wanted to commit which is not really commitment at all...just selfishness and selfishness knows no love. Your ex is selfish to and I think you are beginning to see this as well: selfishness is laziness, it is self centered and taking, and needy and hurtful etc.......Selfish people have no true knowledge of love at all....They only know a selfish love...that centers around them and their own lives. You deserve better and in time you will be free from all these things to get it.

Susan

Hi Susan. That's what I can't get my head around & the longer he's been gone the more real it is to me... the magnitude of it all.
What he did was CRUEL. I know many stories on here are alike.. I agree, ex, being psychopath really has no concept of love/commitment/moral compass.
He tells people he does but his actions speak totally different. he would tell others this is how I am, but that was a lie.
I was nice to him, loved him, committed to him & the marriage.
He wants what satisfies him in the moment.
He told me that his beliefs are that marriage is for life. The only way he could marry again was if his wife cheated on him. Well I never cheated.
So if what he says is true to his belief, he is not free to date. But I believe almost without a shadow of a doubt he has been with MANY MANY women sexually since he left. He said his first two wives cheated on him.. & 2nd wife left him.. blah blah, I was #3.
Right now, I am going through a very difficult time again because of the legal/financial of it.. of course NONE of this has been his concern, his concerns I'm sure have been social/sex, getting on with his life.. I've barely had time..
He used me. He lied to me. He treated me worse than I have Ever been treated before. & all under the name of God.. which is why it's so hard to fathom.
I know we are struggling to get past things.. yes I think it takes time.
After all he said to me? to be with a woman again for him in my mind is disgusting, I don't know how he could live with himself & if what he said was not a lie.. he will have to face God & I don't wanna see that day...
I'll keep doing what is right to the best of my ability. He turned my life into ...........toast.
psychopaths seem to enjoy hurting people..
i don't know why. but that's my ex. whatever.
yes it's hard to make sense of.
HUGS & PRAYERS.

JLVR, I totally get your feeling about being worried and paranoid. I worry too, not about stbx online (he doesn't use computers) but others that I won't say (for fear they will read this!) Some people (two in particular) act a certain way, say certain things to me and I think huh? Have you been reading what I write? I give enough details that people who know me will know it's me. I don't give my real name for a reason. When you have people in your life who just enjoy your unhappiness and have proven over time that they will pry into your business and try to humiliate you, well, you start to feel like you have to watch your back at all times, and the madness this creates makes it easy to jump to conclusions. You said yourself you don't know if your suspicions are true or not, and neither do I about mine. But the fact we have these feelings is sad. yes, they might be watching. Or they might not, but they have made us so uncomfortable and so unsafe that we suspect everywhere we turn. It's not fair. This should be a safe place but I guess nowhere is truly safe. So, to anyone who reads here to get information on us and use it against us, I say, get a life and let us live ours. Sad they have nothing better to do. Sad they have hurt us enough to make us worried. Can you imagine a life without thinking someone is trying to get you? I have so many dreams of running away from something, the dream is just a panicked feeling of running and needing to hide. Not our fault we have people in our lives who insist on hurting us and getting pleasure out of it. But we can work on realizing it is THEIR problem, their sickness that makes them do this, not ours. Perhaps we have something they want: hope, faith, determination, perseverance, things they lack and so they want to take ours away too. Don't let them win. What a way to live, it is not right. So let's take control and not let them affect us. Hard I know, but I am 100% sure we are a million times stronger than they are.

JLVR, Wow! My divorce went through two days ago and while our circumstances aren't the same as yours, what you said is so much how I feel. We were married in a church, before God, we took our vows...till death do us part. So now in the eyes of the state, we are not married. In the eyes of God, we'll be married the rest of our lives. We both feel that way right now. I'll feel that way forever, but I don't know how long it will be before his eye wanders.

I don't feel hate. I still love him. Always will. God will watch over all of us. We just have to listen to Him.

Girl!, I don't give a rat's Ass what other people think about me or if they talk about me! I actually found out that my husband filed for divorce because a couple of my co-workers saw it in the paper ie. they knew before I did! I would suggest, however, refraining from sharing personal information that you want to be kept private-people talk!! Yes it sucks but point blank that is just the way it is. Choose your friends wisely.

Justme,

Yes, that's the clencher for me..
is him telling me I am his other half & making SURE that every last friend I had orig was dismantled & my life was miniscule of what it was prior & upside down, me in debt, he leaves with car, I'm disabled, & now divorced, knowing full well my feelings on marriage & he said he believed the same (till death do us part).. yeah. All I can think, over & over, is DIVINE JUSTICE.
as to ex, that's where I can't get past.
because I would tell him when he came back, that I am disabled & it's a BIG DEAL to leave me, create more debt, become center of my life (again) then leave me (again).
So, yes, it's the God Piece of it & all he said that was of God. & to walk.. over & over.
I hear a lot from women going through this it's like getting hit by a semi truck / then having them run over us again & again.
while they go along & sleep with other women, & start over again & again.. I just can't even get my head around it.
I said I would detach from here & I know I need to at least for a bit.. the reason of course is that if I think he is here then I can't heal. it upsets me.
he didn't want me in the end, he threw me in the trash can & stoked a fire.. that's how it feels.
I believe in God & I love. I have to keep that part of me alive, my spirit... & love.
it's just all more than I can really grasp.
Hugs & prayers... I pray that we heal. That our lives are peaceful, full of love & joy.
When I go to these forums what I desire most is prayer.. & to pray for ..
:)

Sue, you crack me up.
I hear you as to details. I am typically very cautious as to details but I also know the ex would recognize certain innocent comments too .. even leaving out details. My last # of posts in the last week of course gave many details ..
what I like about this forum, is that there is no connection to emails, one can change names if need be, etc.. so very anonymous.
There are good things & draw backs, as leaving a lot of details out doesn't really say in scope what is going on, however on public forums that is often best... & of course depends on each persons circumstances...
:)
we'll get past this .. I was actually doing pretty darn well until about a month ago & think it was little over a year & almost like starting grief process over again, & the financial piece dealings are HUGE & exhausting.. so just combination/also winter & holidays.. all of it.
my theory is it will take about 2 yrs total/ then will be centered again.
divorce is a big deal.
thx for reply/support.. & you're right, it doesn't really help to worry/stew over/take in everything ... it serves no real purpose & I understand what you are saying, about not caring about what others think...
it's not about everyone else..
i put on armor of God daily..
go to battle..
:) have a super day!

strongspirit,

I like your username! good choice.
I have to keep my spirit strong, doing what is right, & so much of the details really are not the issue but how we handle what comes along..
There's so many things that the ex did to me along the way & was connected always to his not trying, leaving continually then wanting back in my life..
etc etc etc.. said a good portion here..
but I hear you.. I risked SO MUCH for my relationship & marriage & I think that's fine if the other party is committed. But he Never was.
He would call me paranoid, yet I would haer from his family things he said about me, lies he would tell to others about me, confidences he shared.. he would lust women always, just the whole of this/ everything he claimed to be, turned out the opposite as to his walking it.. HOW I can heal, is to continue to be honest, with God, with myself, with others.
That's who I am. I was before I met him, during & still. I guess I just didn't seem to see that in him & that's what is heartbreaking also. Because I believed him, believed in him, but it didn't turn out to be true.. because he never ever walked what he claimed to be so.. I did.
I get it, it's like a story & I feel I see the outcome. WHEN I hold onto that. & my own truth, beliefs, in God, truth, & living the life that is pleasing to GOD for which I feel I am put on earth to do.. & keep the big picture in my mind.. I'm ok.
I love all of your comments, can relate & then I think of Sue's words, "I don't care what others think." Now if I hold onto that, & ultimately that is my belief because it's not about others.. it's about doing what we believe is right, good, following the highest regard for ourselves, our loved ones, GOD... believing all will turn out for HIS GLORY.
I HAVE TO KEEP THOSE THOUGHTS.. first & foremost,
then I'm fine..
my theory was year one will be total leg work/paperwork/ legal.. it has been. totally overwhelming/exhausting/ time consuming.
Year two will be social reconnections & getting my life in order that way.. it's already coming to pass this part ...
2 yrs is what I think.
So all works out, in God's Timing.
I don't think my ex is mature, or will be on this earth.. not spiritually, not in his life, as he didn't help out with the debt.. he didn't do anything in this divorce but sign papers, I was left to file, do all of it.. he never helped at all with the property, sale thereof, he left.. with car, to go start his life over with other woman/women/ all about him...?????????........ but I can't get stuck there in my head. It's not that he's with other women as to me I guess I just think it's gross that he would marry me then even think about being with someone else.. it really makes me think less of him.. it's not about who he's with.. which also hurts.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i go back to present, big picture, GOD, HIS TIMING, HIS WILL. I'll live the most upright life I am able to do, & love & pray.. etc..
when I think that he may be lingering?
it overwhelms me.
not in a good way... it makes me saddened, heavy feeling.. because he kicked me to the curb.
I just want to heal.
& get to Heaven.
I have loved hearing your story.. it's an inspiration!!!!
we'll make it.. we are to,
think about,
what is right,
what is good,
what is true...
(in bible)
:)
HUGS & PRAYERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!